BeckWatch: The State Of Beck's Buttcheeks

I was so, so excited to receive my daily email missive from Glenn Beck today, because in it, he directs the recipient to a very special content offering: his State Of The [Glenn Beck] Program address. He billed this august occasion as "another big day for the program and for the first time since his cocaine days, Glenn did a show on zero...hours of sleep." Why didn't Glenn Beck get any sleep? Only he knows for sure! I slept like a baby last night, secure in the knowledge that for once, President Bush wasn't going to draft me in some sort of crazy sci-fi escapade to fight Islamofascists on Mars.

But, as Beck hinted, he doesn't need narcotics to get waist-deep in the crazy swamp! His mock state of the union address was straight DEMENTED, referencing his recent surgery, rabies, pastries, liberal bloggers that want him to be fired, YouTubes, something about dog feces, standing in a chowline, and how he's so colossally wealthy right now that he doesn't have to answer to anyone.

You are hereby urged to gawk at the text in its entirety, but after reading it, I got to thinking about how much fun Max Follmer had last night using Microsoft Word's auto-summarizer to boil Bush's entire State Of The Union address down to a piece of text that was less than one hundred words. So I pasted Glenn's speech into Word and ran the same auto-summary. This is the complete and unexpurgated result:

Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That I had on my butt. Many people laughed at my expense. Thank you. Doughnuts! You can find hope in that. Thank you and God bless the Glenn Beck program. Fetch, fetch!

Truer words were never ranted by a sleep-deprived loon!