03/28/2008 02:45 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dickipedia: Tom Brady

He plays quarterback, the dickiest position in a sport played by dicks, for dicks (many of whom are trying to mask the smallness of their dicks). His team is the New England Patriots, whose fanbase is made up almost entirely of the type of dick who wears fleece vests, listens to Dave Matthews, and pisses on parked cars outside Fenway Park.

Brady is a dick not necessarily by virtue of what he's done, but by what he symbolizes: a system that rewards athleticism, intellectual vapidity, a cleft chin, and several extra cc's of testosterone with multi-million dollar signing bonuses and the opportunity to bang Brazilian supermodels at will.

Tom Brady is everyone you hated in high school all rolled into one.