Amy Ephron On Women Wronged

Amy Ephron blogs here at HuffPost:

I just want one of them, Hillary, Silda, to stand on the steps of the house, the White House, the Governor's Mansion and stamp their foot and say, "And another thing, I'm keeping the house."

Why do they show up? Why did Silda Spitzer appear at her husband's side at his press conference today? The picture in the New York Times' is so telling, so sad, so perfectly humiliating. And you just want to ask, why? Why do political wives -- especially when they seemingly have no political aspirations of their own, it's not like Mrs. Spitzer is going to run for office -- show up for their husbands when their husbands have behaved so badly?

A HuffPost slide show of women who stood by their men:

• • • • • Hillary Clinton watches then-President Clinton as he thanks those Democratic members of the House who voted against impeachment in this Dec. 19, 1998 photo.

Comments

[gretmoe]

wow lifeinfullcolor! That last sentence of yours is powerfu! I've been thinking the same thing. Millions of betrayed spouses could have their payback at the polls this election year. Very interesting indeed.
I see these "stand by your man" types as very vulnerable and hurt women who truly love their husbands and will not divide the family especially when young kids are involved. It takes guts to stand up and tell the philanderer : "our kids will not be uprooted and hurt because of your wrecklessness, so prepare yourself for the long haul!" Divorce is too easy and very painful to the innocent children. I would never do that to my children but that's just me.

[ullabella]

It is like this: when a marriage gets rocky the rocks are in the bed.
It is only right that the wifes share their husbands agony and embarrasment because maybe it was they who put the rocks in the bed in the first place.
Sex is like food, if nobody is cooking at home you go and eat out; if your bed is only filled with rocks you go out to find a bed with no rocks.
Just simple human nature 101.

[ObamaEdwards]

They have a contract to play the devoted wife, and they want to retain their rights to all the rewards for that. In other words, they do it for the money. They can't do or say what they want. As prostitutes, they are being paid to shut up and do as they're told. What's the mystery? Clinton does this, too. She has covered up and made light of her husband's constant, inappropriate sexual behavior for decades. It's a contract and she's in it for the big rewards, regardless of the humiliation.

[MetryJen]

I don't get it, myself. If I ever bust out a man cheating on me it would be over, zip, finished. If I'm in a relationship, it's been mutually agreed upon to be monogamous, and therefore it's a major breach of trust to do anything else. I don't know if it's better or worse if it's paid for, personally. I can't love someone I can't trust. These Stand by your Man type women are really baffling to me, I can't help but think either there's an "arrangement" or they are in shock or something.

[mingusman]

I liked Hillary's hair much more back then.

[Denni]

It's not about an immediate divorce, the issue is about why women allow themselves to be used to beg the public for their husband's forgiveness? Why don't they have enough self-esteem and dignity to let their husbands stand on their own and privately beg for THEIR spouse's forgiveness?

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/3/11/4230/52843/872/474077

In some cases, the husbands are serial adulterers and the wives, instead of protecting themselves (Spitzer liked things that 'weren't safe' according to one of the sex workers), they protect the men who abuse their trust and who potentially cost them their lives (and the futures of their children).

The unkind cut... he met a sex worker on VALENTINE'S DAY!?!? C'mon!

[kickemout]

There is one other reason none of you seemed to entertain. Perhaps she loved her husband in spite of his foibles. No one is perfect, and all have feet of clay. Also forgiveness is possible. The idea of an immediate divorce is stupid.

[JDBishop5]

Right on!

And many women will still think they should get the house.

[richcpl]

I'll never understand why women can view hillary, with her public acquiescence to her husband's humiliating philandering, as a good, strong role model for girls and women. I sure don't see her as a role model for my daughters. This kind of thing goes right to the core of character. Deep down, hillary's shallow.

[foreffectivegovernment]

I have the following observations relating to your article.

As long as the majority of the people in this Country accept the premise that sex is dirty and make it illegal and the invasion of anouther Country is good and legal, this Country will continue to have very little legal sex and many wars.

As long as women refuse their husbands legal sex they will get it illegally. As long as wives refuse to give their husbands oral sex, they will find others who will.

As long as young girls are taught that abstinence is the only birth control, they will give oral sex to their boyfriends. (This is a statistical fact).

Because of what I have observed, I don't think Hillary Clinton will ever become President but the next generation will not have the same hangups that have produced the scandals that have harmed her campaign.

I am from the generation where sex education was learned out behind the barn so I have had many years to witness the changes in society and I never thought I would witness what has happened to this Country and I think Hillary Clinton with help from an able administration is the one to change things but I fear the people are not ready yet.

[Darwinita]

I have the following observations about your comment.

Your shameful mysogyny takes a male's betrayal and rupture of his wedding vows and makes it a woman's fault.

If a man wants sex outside of marriage, he needs to end the marriage and be an honest human, if not a kind one.

It's not the sex, it's the lies.

Good job blaming the woman for the man's wrongdoings. I can't express how disgusting I find your comments fully- the moderators would scrub my comment. I can only assume you're resentful of being called to task yourself, and I hope to christ your ex-wife cleaned you out.

[angryhumanist]

You misread the comment and/or you can't tolerate the truth.

[accountability]

You shout it out woman!
I'm right there with you.

What a pig!

[anghiari]

I believe your whole premise is wrong...Mr. Clinton and Mr Spitzer had/have a sense of entitlement. It has nothing to do with what wives will or will not do in the bedroom...it has to do with what a lot of men (note I did not say all men) believe is essentially male behavior. He had needs and he needed a female not his wife to satiate those needs. Bull!This whole uncontrollable urge, this whole male need crap has gone on far too long. Keep your damned pants zipped and live a life of integrity, if not for yourself and your wife, then your children. What is it about men they don't learn a damned thing from one another. You create enough enemies, they will find your flaws and they will reveal your flaws to the world and to your family. I am so sick of some idiot standing apologizing to his family after he has put them through public humiliation. Why didn't he think of them in the first place? And this bull about it being private and personal matter and that it should not taint his public persona. How accommodating. If a guy is not going to honor the group of people closest to him, why do you think he would give a good damn about honoring those with whom he has no familial ties? Thank goodness there are zillions of grown up males, who understand there are always consequences to your choices in life...and for those who don't, take heed, karma is a bitch!

Would it be really bitchy to mention that Anthony Villaraigosa, Mayor of Los Angeles, and Hillary Clinton National Co-Chair had an affair with a news anchor from Telemundo who had been doing a series of stories on the L.A. Mayor and the woman had the arrogance to announce the breakup his marriage (because of her-though she didn't mention that) on the air as a news story. Now Mr. Spitzer, who has also endorsed Hillary has his own little scandal to deal with...Hill didn't dump Tony because she needed the Latino vote in L.A. and her female supporters didn't hold her feet to the fire and say hey this guy's wife was having cancer treatments and he's out fooling around with another woman. We would prefer he not be the face of Hillary Clinton in California. I cannot imagine if these guys had endorsed Barack Obama instead of Hillary, you wouldn't hear women shouting from the rooftops for him to disown both of them...double standards!

[Hufffan]

ForEffective says...."As long as women refuse their husbands legal sex they will get it illegally. As long as wives refuse to give their husbands oral sex, they will find others who will."

Speaking as a 54 year old man I sarcasticaly wonder what century you live in. Are there really men who still think this way? Unfortunately the answer is yes. This is the pathetic self-righteous way some men justify all irresponsible behavior in there lives. I frankly am ashamed of men who embarrass themselves by even thinking that it's some sort of right to expect a wife or girlfriend to fall in line with their fantasies or suffer more humiliation by expecting men will threaten to go elswhere.
In Spitzers case, he has humiliated himself, his wife, his children, and everyone who believed in him. This man is an outright fool and we have all been duped by another person who led us to believe he was better than this crap. Does Mr. Spitzer explain to his wife that if she acted like more of a "whore" this wouldn't have happened? Puh-lease!
And for all those people who question Spitzer's wife for standing next to him?? ...STOP humiliating her MORE! I see her as a remarkably courageous woman to allow herself to suffer publicly because she may very well love her husband and her children. Why do we need to judge her so negatively? Her standing with him displays the amazing courage of this individual woman, not the weakness some are so quick to conclude.

[akzidenzgrotesk]

as much as i am a little offended at the wording of foreffecti­vegovernme­nt's statement, he does have a point. although it's not just that wives owe their husbands sex, but that everyone owes their partner understanding and attention and affection, however it may be that that partner wants it. as dan savage likes to say "any model that doesn't come equipped with oral sex/at least a little bit of GGG (good, giving and game) should be returned to the manufacturer." sure, lack of sex on the homefront isn't a good excuse for infidelity (and is actually rarely the cause anyway, although the use of prostitutes does seem to indicate that), but the fact that a lot of women have been taught/encouraged to use sex as a bargaining chip in their relationships with men is a very bad thing. i agree though, that the next generation (my generation) should be markedly different than the current one in terms of sexual mores vs. actual morality/values. women my age have been brought up in the age of feminism, so we don't have the knee-jerk, throttling need for control of our lives that our mothers and grandmothers have. we were born with it, it's inherent in us, and can never been truly taken back now. when half of the population finally feels free, i guarantee that freedom will bleed over into everything else.

now, back to the subject at hand. while i agree with kickmeout on the one hand (if my partner cheated on me, i would give him a second chance; i would "stand by my man"), i also agree with nora here. most people in real life say they would never forgive a cheater. why then, have there been absolutely ZERO political women who leave their cheating husbands? sure, a lot of them probably would stay anyway (for political asperations, children, love, any number of reasons), but you would think at least one or two would be unable or unwilling to stand by after such humiliation and betrayal. there's something going on, and all i have to say is that it would be really interesting to see if the tables were turned (if a powerful female politician cheated on her less powerful husband) how the man would react. would he be able to willing to stand by his woman?

[StarkRavingNakedEmperor]

You are right on!

[OverIt]

Ms. Ephron, perhaps you're assuming too much about the Harvard Law educated Mrs. Spitzer. Although it would SEEM that she has deferred her professional goals for her husband's career and has taken up a life of philanthropy as they are shored up by his family's 100s of millions of dollars, she may yet have her own political ambitions.

After all, based on the example of Sen. Hillary Clinton, at least a few million Americans, certainly a good number in NY state would think her qualified for the Governor's Mansion in her own right. After all, she was married to Mr. Spitzer during all of those campaigns and moments of crises. And did sleep next to him during that proverbial 3 am phone call... Actually, scratch that. Maybe "Kristen" should be the one running for NY Governor... but then again, there weren't exactly "sleeping" were they. Nevermind! At this rate, let's just elect whichever hooker clocked in the most time.

And for the presidency: Gennifer Flowers/Monica Lewinsky '08!!!!!

[accountability]

what a pig.

[Politiking]

Because at that very moment, they feel hurt, shocked, world is upside-down, wronged, betrayed, deceived, sad, fear, weight of the world, numbed, and most especially, vulnerable. It is sad but true. Not everyone could adjust quickly; mentally and emotionally it takes time to reconcile all of it.

[camcat]

I think it's naive to assume the wives in these circumstances are innocent of their husbands' transgressions in the womanizing department. On the long ,hard climb to the top of the ladder of success they made a deal with the devil (as it were), to suffer through whatever it took to get there and partake of its rewards. That might include a few flirtations of their own when Mr. Gov. is distracted. It isn't a pretty place where they are. Don't try to attribute real human emotions to them. That said, if Spitzer was really repentant, he'd resign. End of story. Let's move on.

[accountability]

Damn,
What a bunch of heartless, self righteous misogynists on this thread. It is bad enough when men are such pigs but when its a woman it is even more despicable.
Stockholm sndrome perhaps?

[AcademyKP03]

This really couldn't come at a worse time for Hillary. Hear me out. All this does is bring up the whole Bill Clinton / Lewinsky affair - and having the governor's wife standing there, just as Hillary did years ago, doesn't help her. In fact, the more I think about it ... I believe that Hillary DID HAVE A RED PHONE moment. It was learning about Bill's affair. How did she react when she found out? I personally, think if she would have held a news conference and told the world that she was effectively divorcing her husand - she would have instantly been respected. But no - she didn't, she was too close. So my question to fellow readers is this: Was there any bigger RED PHONE moment than finding out that your husband, the President of the United States was having an affair with an intern?

[camcat]

In Hillary's autobiography she wrote that she screamed and cried when she learned of the Bill/Monica thing. Not a very impressive RED PHONE moment. But a good job of pandering to American women.

[Counterglow]

Did she grab the nearest blunt object and let him have it right across the face, as she must have been tempted to do? Are you so naive that you believe presidents and their wives don't argue...even have knock-down, drag-out scream fests just like almost every other couple in the world does once in a while?

Ask yourself this: What kind of human being would take that kind of news calmly, especially when they didn't have that voice in the back of their mind saying, "I am the President of the United States. I must NOT crotch kick my husband"? And would a person so icy and unfeeling make a good president?

It seems to me your hatred of Hillary Clinton has seriously impaired your logical faculties. How will you feel if Obama wins, and makes her his VP?

[OverIt]

Having the affair is one thing. Lying about it under oath is another. Having your wife find out all about it during a depostion in a lawsuit in which Paula Jones is accusing you of attempted sexual assault.... that's the vast right wing conspiracy IN YOUR PANTS! Maybe that was a code name all along! Hmmm!

[pundit27]

Exactly. . . and she muffed that red phone moment in many people's eyes . . . re: her vaunted experience: actually she failed at the only position that was officially hers: First Lady . . . and given her failure in her other great experience, health care reform, is it any wonder that many are convinced she is a total fraud, duplicitous, ultra-secretive, and ultimately, devoid of a lot of "normal" human mores? Sputzgate will surely not help her, unless she can respond with something genuine, which her people are likely to try to keep her from doing before the polling comes in . . . how sad. . . .

[ibsteve2u]

To answer your question with another, Amy: Must be a helluva prenuptial, eh?