Sex-Starved Women: America's Best Kept Secret?

Psychology Today blogger Michelle Weiner Davis addresses what may be a growing epidemic.

As someone who is in the front lines with couples, I have grown increasingly aware that women have no corner on the low libido market. In fact, based on my clinical observations and casual conversations with colleagues, I'd say that low desire in men is America's best kept secret. After all, in a culture where virility is inextricably connected with masculinity, why would any man want to broadcast his drop in desire? Most of the data available on the incidence of low libido in men is based on self-report and estimates vary widely. Do we really know what goes on behind bedroom doors? I don't think so.

You can read more on sex-starved women and the male libido here, as well. Or, check out Michelle Weiner Davis' book on the subject of sex-starved women.

Some women are even getting in on the prostitution trend. Click here to read one woman's story on why she pays a man for sex.

So, all you female HuffPost readers, are you starved for sex? What are some of the excuses you've heard from the men in your life? And to the men out there, how are your libidos? Can't imagine turning sex down? Tell us your thoughts, we're all friends here!

Comments

[VeryTrue]

I have to say I'm shocked at the nastiness and ignorance of many comments here. The issue being described is very real and is not due to women being annoying/too fat/ugly/boring/etc. Rather, men like my longtime boyfriend do not always fit the stereotype of the sex-crazed male. I have endured sexual frustration for the last 12 years, since we fell in love in high school. We did seek therapy and I believe my partner's low desire results from a depressive state, which affects all his primary behaviors: sleeping, eating, sex, etc. He is extremely loving in every other way, so in essence is the OPPOSITE of the male partner many women complain about. And, unlike in marriages where the man "gets tired of" the woman and roams, he truly has no sexual desire in anyone and never really has. This difficult dynamic is the one weight on our otherwise wonderful relationship. I encourage members of the psychology field to research the issue. Oh, and by the way, in response to posts here that women not desired by their husbands/partners must be overweight, etc.: I happen to fix social beauty standards; in recent years I've been a Hooters girl, cheerleader and calendar model. My boyfriend and I also are emotionally very compatible, enjoy one another's company and love each other thoroughly. None of the above matters regarding core sexual desire. Low libido is a physiological condition, not a test of a partner's worth.

[smokepole]

There are so many issues at play¦.children, both parents working, divorce, Viagra, getting married later etc. I don"t think there has been a decline in male libido as much as that libido has wandered elsewhere. The guys it seems get tired of the same old stuff as Eddie Murphy says "Hey, I just got some regular old crackers." I do think that many women have gotten more adventurous with their partners so they will not stray or out of boredome as well. Walk into any adult shop and you will see couples and women alone shopping and looking at videos together, 10 years ago that video room was in the back of the store and lit by one flickering light bulb and full of middle aged men browsing.

[heydee17]

This is such an interesting subject matter. If we take out the religious and ego driven aspects, this is not a surprised based on our true human nature. How many couples are truthful concerning their sex lives. If we base this on our true human nature and analyzed it, the fatigue factor of being in a relationship combined with our human need of sexual conquests makes this pretty evident from both a male and female perspective. Why do so many people sleep in different bedrooms than their partners, why do we suddenly think there is true monogamy when we spend most of our early adulthood going from partner to partner searching for compatibility, why do even the most attractive people have their partners cheat on them. These questions and many others alike have one thing in common, it is the factor that makes us human, the factor of biology. Before anyone jumps down my throat, ask why so many people both male and female cheat on their spouses and partners, why there is a very large and vibrant swinging lifestyle sub-culture and why is there so much sex in the beginning of a relationship. This isn't just a new phenomenon. Isn't there an old saying that if you put a marble in a jar every time you have sex during your first year of marriage and take one out for every time you have sex after one year of marriage, you will probably never empty the jar.

[DatelessNerd]

In part, you can blame the typical American diet and sedentary lifestyle, which lead to fat-assed women and limp-dicked men.

Then, there's the inverse relationship between age, attractiveness, and male/female sex drives. As men reach middle age, they appear more "distinguished," but their sex drives peaked at age 18. Women tend to "lose their looks" as their sex drive increases.

We've become a nation of horny, unattractive middle-aged women; and middle-aged men who can only get it up with Viagra and a 20-something hottie.

[TheCowman]

There's really not much to figure out about what men want.

1) Sex
2) Food
3) Sports
4) Beer

That's pretty much the top 4 interests for a man...damn, probably even for gay men...maybe substitute sports for shopping.

Anyway, for a woman though...holy cow...really not sure...kinda like this I assume:

1) Shopping
2) Cuddling
3) Talking about shopping
4) Trying to cuddle
5) Watching Oprah
6) Wishing she was shopping
7) Complaining about her man wanting to have sex with her.

Anyway, the point is women...it's really not hard to figure out what men want, it drives me nuts when a girl friend of mine asks what she should get her boyfriend, "hmmm...maybe I can get us tickets to Phantom of the Opera?" And I usually say "that's a good idea, and you can remove his nuts during intermission.

No, women, if you want to get your man something nice, cook a dinner, put on baseball, give him beer, then bang the hell out of him. That's happiness :)

[byablue]

Stereotypical bullshit. Women raised for centuries in an environment of "good girls don't, sluts and all boys do," it's no wonder women grow up with a warped sense of themselves and sexual relationships, or feel abnormal if they have a positive attitude toward sex. If a woman is complaining about not wanting to have sex with you, maybe it isn't that she objects to sex in general, just sex with you. Also, timing is everything. A man whose only concern is what he wants when he wants it will be rejected more than most.

[DrJimmy]

You're missing the point....and let me say...if the woman just doesn't want to have sex with their husbands anymore...that is fine....that is a legit statement. But at least be honest about it...just say it so we can deal with it.

[DrJimmy]

If a woman did those 4 things her husband would do anything for her.....and she doesn't have to do it all the time. Fact is women just become disinterested in sex........and after a while men give up trying.

[tathagat]

Marriage and that too a sacrament... same wife for a lifetime and same woman in further incarnations!?! It's like pledging, wowing to have the same dish for the lifetime... of course this leads to boredom, routine, monotony...

beside ignorance about the female anatomy... in me lands of kaamaasutra guys married for years and not even aware what and whereabouts of holy clitoris... woman's finger pointing to the moon... Ignorance is bliss?!? nah!!! it's sheer hell... even women not aware of their sensuality and art of sensual pleasure...

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Mulla Nasuddin was making love to his wife Guljaan and suddenly mulla asked the wife... am I hurting u dear? Guljaan the wife said "no, what made u think so..." Mulla said nothing "I thought u moved" :)

In here if she moves, she is loose!! She got to have inhibitions... we got all our minds filled with garbage like this... no wonder the women wouldn't move... two counts disagree with Buddha, the polite articulation & not looking @ women :)

[Emmagoldmanbabe]

Women aren't getting enough sex and that is their own fault? Wow.

[kevin1006]

Wow, that was really weak to remove my post after it had been approved. Way to encourage free expression of one's opinion.

[DrJimmy]

One of the most famous jokes is how sex stops after you get married....but is it really a joke?
Most women give up on being a mate, a lover. They don't care about trying to keep the spark alive.
They don't find it important. Most married women behave during sex with their husbands like they are taking one for the team.. Every guy who I know who has strayed from his marriage does it for one reason....not power, not cause he wants to get caught, not because he is a addict......They all feel that their wives have give up on them as being male, a mate a lover. Don't ask what another woman offers ask why aren't wives offering....

[dawlishgal]

Why is it that men are always the ones who need their ego-fuel refilled? Can't married couples talk about SEXUAL aspects and try to learn to do what pleasures the other? Can't they at least try to respect and cherish each other, rather than giving up at the first sign of boredom or the first big-busted bimbo who feigns interest?

I have been married for 40 years to a guy who still lights my fire. Why? Because he respects me as a person, and he recognizes that women will be more amorous and less exhausted if they have some help around the bleeping house. Besides that he is funny and interesting and we laugh about the same kinds of things and get mad at the same kind of injustices.

I am lucky and I damn well know it. But that kind of luck is a two-way street. I have been respectful and supportive of his work and his needs too.

[Johnagain]

It sounds like you've found something that many have not. Your advice is therefore probably the best on the subject, for miles around. Unfortunately most wives do not think like you do. You are a true exception, in my experience. Sex is typically low on the list of priorities for many middle aged women. They are sex starved in some sense, but it is often due (at least in part) to not being willing to make an effort to keep the sex alive in their marriages.

[DrJimmy]

DAW....this has nothing to do with ego. Trust me I do my share. We have been married for 10 years. 7 of those I have worked 2 jobs, built an extension on my house stay at home on Fridays to be with my kids for a full day. Take them to school etc...
Why is it women always assume that the husband is lazy, does nothing but drinks and eats and watches sports. I have talked to my wife about this aspect of marriage and in conversation she agrees....but in practice not so much. All women say, we're tired, we work, the kids, the house...that priorities change.....which is true, I get it , I understand that....but when maintaining a sexual relationship with your husband does not even make the list.......
Then don't complain when a man strays.....just a fact.!!!

[ExRepublican]

"I have been married for 40 years to a guy who still lights my fire"

I think your whole post was spot on. Good one. I was with my ex for 15 years (good on you going for 40!, wowza) and s*x never wavered. Fickle when she was pissed at me but overall, stayed strong t/o (and even after divorce)

A couple of other points after reading many of the comments.

1) It sure seems that too many men on here really don't like women - other than - if they are a good lay. If I was a woman, I'd be disheartened by many/most of the posts on here. And even almost a hatred type of thing for women....as if women were dirt/dirty. Really bitter type posts towards women. Not all, some posts were very (VERY) funny & others very good

2) I think men have it wrong? I think most women become much more sensual and sexual as they age. Much more.

[frankm]

I agree Dr. Jimmy.

I've heard people saying that it's a wife's "duty" to satisfy her man. Makes it sound like such a chore.

What about doing it because you want your husband and you love your husband and want your husband to satisfy you as well? Not because it's your "duty." That just kills the romance and puts out the fire.

It's your duty to keep a clean house (that goes for both men and women) and balance the checkbook. It's something you have to do but not necessarily enjoy. Know what I mean?

[TheScarletPimpernel]

low libido in men is caused by boring sex with overweight women who see thier role in life as whinning complaining and in general making life unbearable for hard working men.

[Arguman]

because men only crave rail thin models with fake tits. you're right, Scarlet Pumpernickel.

[TheCowman]

exactly...something wrong with that?

[Hugo de Balsac]

I wanna know how a media watchdog like myself can become Arianna's lapdog.

[sparkandy]

Excuses my man uses: 'I drank too much coffee.' 'I ate too much.' 'I have a headache.' In his defense, these excuses are just to postpone, not to avoid. However, it would be nice if he had my attitude of 'Yes!'

[Johnagain]

You have the wrong man.

[dawlishgal]

Men may be more afraid of failure when they aren't the one who initiates the sex. Just a guess on my part.

There is more to a marriage (or ought to be) than just sex. Especially when kids arrive on the scene. The luckiest women are those who to have a partner who takes turns getting up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying baby, and who is happy enough to change even the stinkiest diaper. The guy that laughingly tells you when a male infant pees in your hair while you are changing its diaper that you are still the most beautiful woman on the planet (and you know better than anybody how untrue that is). Those are the men who ought to be considered the sexiest----men who understand that when a woman is tired, it doesn't mean she doesn't love them, men who don't pout and try to make a woman feel guilty.

[repugnicansfearme]

American women are gorgeous. You can travel the world and women from most every country are trying to look like them. If there are women who arent getting enough, I pledge to do my part to alleviate the situation.

[ruzel]

You have obviously never traveled the world if you think French and Italian or Dutch women want to look like American women. Oh, and also Brazilian and South African. ALL the women I've met in those countries are comfortable enough with their bodies to not care about going topless on the beach or fretting about their diets and their weight on an hourly basis. They like to have sex for fun and think that sophistication takes more than buying clothes from a catalog; i.e. they're educated and well-read. Ever meet an American woman who could quote Tolstoy or Proust? Sure you have, but she's been so beaten up by our image conscious society that she can't be sexy doing it, or thinks she can't. The smart/insecure inverse relationship in this country is sickening compared to what women are allowed to be in other countries.

[BP]

1. Cut down the weight. That includes the silicone bags, by the way.

2. Cut down the women-against-men attitude. I'm not talking about any submissiveness. Just stop being pumped up by all the crazy ideas on how a liberated woman should behave, and show your beautiful, feminine self.

Apparently it's universal to all the developed/industrialized world. Not sure about developing world nor the underlying reason. One of my hypotheses is that the over-exposure of female body (on street, mainstream magazines, internet porn) diminishes male sexual desire over the long run.

Personally, I'm sure my libido hasn't gone down. I am, however, getting a little tired of the standard seductive cover-girl poses/looks and the sometimes apparent desire of some women to appear nymphomaniac -- if it's genuine, great, I just sense on the internet that some women perhaps feel they have to be "brave", aggressive, or explicit since it's the modern, liberated, independent, and equality thing to do.

So, in short, I'm tired of all the fakes.

[GlockGal]

Some of us aren't filled with more plastic than a Mattel product, and we have a sense of self despite not fitting the 'model perfect' mystique. Personally, men who place more value on money and flawless looks bore me. Sex begins in the brain. Men who aren't intelligent, creative, emotionally accessible and appreciate a woman's genuine charms just bore me. No wonder women won't put out for most of you -- you think it's purely a physical thing and that couldn't be further from the truth.

You don't have to show me your W-2 before I'll do you, but you have to treat me with respect and realize I'm not the Gold-digger Barbie you dated last week. For those of you who have a brain, please use it. You'll get more of what you desire, without wasting a real woman's time.

[KarateKid]

The attitude of this modern American woman is exactly why men don't want them. The arrogance is a real turn off. We don't want women who have testicles, imaginary or not. They think they're doing men a favor by "putting out" for them (her words).

[anons]

As a man who questions the status quo of monogamy, I would guess lack of interest and lack of creativity in relationships may be a contributing factor. We are also the fattest nation in the world, so unhealthy habits play a MAJOR role. Not to mention the fact that we are bombarded with sexual images at every turn, coupled with the fact that most of what's online is internet porn...all of this makes sleeping with the same woman you've been sleeping with for however long just not as interesting as it was when there was less media and less shitty food on the market....as for myself I can't relate but I'm still in my twenties and live a healthy lifestyle...