A Polyamorous Couple Makes Their Case (VIDEO)

Seems Tango magazine was just trolling through Grand Central Station when they struck interview gold: polyamorists out on a date! Watch the lovebirds defend their decision:

What do you think of polyamory?

Comments

[davidly]

I think it's a pretensiously constructed word, which seems to suit the man in this video just fine. Clearly the woman has a slightly different attitude and is on the verge of ending her marriage in her attempt to renegotiate it.

If you're willing to admit that you can't deal with monogamy then do it, but don't pretend that open relationships are going to bring down the divorce rate. One can communicate a sexual desire for another outside of a relationship, but that doesn't change the deception regarding its frequency or whether one would rather "be" with that other person.

The sooner humans admit that the promise of mutual sexual desire is all too often mistaken for love, the less complicated all of our relationships will be.

[Enid]

A;ll judges and jury's in the house.

just keep your noise out of it

[dadw5boys]

Good luck dude your fooling a few but most women are not going to accept being exposed to some disease just to get laid.

[rbryanh]

The self involved vanity and pretension of straight people never ceases to amaze, stun, and bore. It's apparently insufficient for such individuals to simply conduct their relationships to suit themselves and their associates. Instead, social hostility toward anything other than the default bourgeois straitjacket is so intense that people feel compelled to lay claim to some institution or other to justify and protect themselves.

"Marriage," "monogamy," "polyamory," "heterosexuality," "polygamy..." These institutions all seen as competing destinations to be embraced or condemned, rather than a just a variety of scenery along the way. Worse, they're all used to divert discussion from real issues like "honesty," "tolerance," "compassion," and yes, "diversity."

[davidly]

Bingo.

[JaseAllen]

OK. So Tango went out and just happened to find an attractive couple who were believers in and somewhat well spoken about "polyamory" around the same time as they publish an article on "open marriage." I'm sure it's mere coincidence.

If that couple are for real, you need only wait until jealousy and insecurity rear their ugly little heads before their cute, romantic idealism is ground to dust.

[Liam]

Do you actually know anyone from the poly community? Or are you just stating your opinions?

Because I know quite a few people from the poly community. They have honest to goodness relationships with multiple people. Jealousy and insecurity seem to actually be REDUCED in them.

Look, if there can be only one relationship per person, then you have to fear losing "your" person if they start having a relationship with someone else. It is thus with most monogamous relationships. But if you believe you can have many such relationships (as with more platonic friendships), you don't feel particularly threatened by your friend having other friends. It doesn't mean they're going to dump YOUR friendship.

And, by the way, if you also have other friends, it makes the loss of one of them more tolerable. Not less painful, but less absolutely devastating.

It's not for everyone (heck, it's not for me), but unless you've actually spent any time around seriously poly people, you're essentially just trivializing the whole thing.

And again, my biggest question is why should anyone care? If all participants are open, honest and willing, how does it hurt anyone else?

Liam.

[bushitler]

This poly thing sounds like a convenient rationalization for people who cannot be loyal to another person. It seems difficult to believe that switching partners does not degrade the one you do not choose.

Unless poly involves lots of orgies, people will always have to choose someone over another. You can bet this encourages people to move on rather than work out issues. This "flexibility" makes for shallow selfish people like the pair in the video who clearly are either making this stuff up or are so deluded they need to add a psychiatrist to their poly group. You can come up with elaborate explanations and theories for poly, but in the end it sounds like a bunch of selfish self centered people who don't want to sacrifice anything for a relationship.

[davidly]

Looks to me like she is gonna be dumping her husband, who she seems to have married not knowing what was to come. So that's how he'll be hurt. Alternatively, he might consider having a fling just so he won't be left out, but that's just revenge.

Assuming everyone involved is on the same page, your point is quite valid. But the guy in this video seems to be going for people who aren't on that page.

[yourtango]

I was there for the filming of the couple, and I can assure you that none of it was planned. We were doing random interviews at Grand Central (about unrelated topics) and when asked about their relationship status (our usual course of action for every interview subject), they offered their polyamory lifestyle.

[rikkirighteous]

If you can find a woman who's dumb enough, go for it.

Used to be a woman wanted to be the only one. Nowadays many don't care if they're just another one.

Some are just glad to be in the line.

Character is an elusive thing.

[Liam]

But apparently snobbery and holier-than-thou attitudes are a dime a dozen.

[AnitaWagner]

I'm a reasonably intelligent woman and I've been living a polyamorous life for 12 years. In fact, the vast majority of polyamory community organizers and activists are women, women with exceedingly happy male partners.

As to our character, what's wrong with openness and honesty? We're a heck of a lot more ethical than cheaters, and cheating is rampant in western society.

You have to wonder why some people go out of their way to condemn others' personal relationships. Such folks should worry about their own relationships and stay out of ours.

[bushitler]

You are more ethical than a nonethical person? That's impressive. It is true that people are free to do what they want. No one here plans to make poly illegal. But that doesn't mean people can't express their opinion about it on a BLOG. Which is why you may see comments and opinions here that opine whether the "openness and honesty" of poly are just new terms for slut.

[SpinCycleRadio]

It certainly seems to me that they both are having way to many 'issues' to regard this as anything but some disfunctional relationship with a fancy tag.

[AnitaWagner]

Polyamorous relationships are no more or less dysfunctional than monogamous relationships. Both take work. People who are new to polyamory are wise to explore and take it as it goes in order to determine whether it is the right choice for them. What you condemn as disfunctional is actually a very wise course of action. It's the people who rush in unprepared and unaware who experience a lot of drama and relationship failure.

[bushitler]

Are you the only one in your poly?

[petzl]

@peterloffredo

You nailed it!

[Hmmm624]

If a woman is open about her desire for more than one partner, well she MUST be a victim or a masochist, right? And man who is open about it has commitment issues. Yes....that's the only explanation (for those who can't even begin to understand human sexuality)

No wonder people keep this to themselves. Apparently freedom is only relevant to our religious and dietary choices.

[JaseAllen]

It's not that I don't believe real love between multiple partners is possible, I just think it's much harder to come by and difficult to maintain. I also think anyone who attaches label to it probably hasn't experienced it. Most "polyamorous" people are likely just experiencing love of having multiple sex partners rather than feeling love for multiple people.

[AnitaWagner]

This assumption is amazingly inaccurate. You couldn't be more wrong. You may not be able to imagine truly loving and committing to more than one person at a time, but that doesn't mean that others can't and don't. The world of relationship potential and possibilities is vast, and certainly larger than such a narrow perspective seems able to grasp.

[CapitalistTool]

polyamorist? buddhist? or just your standard pimp?

[Liam]

I have not seen the link above (I'm at work), but my opinion of polyamory in general is the same as my opinion on homosexuality or pretty much any other "non standard" sexual or relational interplay between consenting adults: If everyone is honest and willing, more power to them.

If your partner does not know of your polyamorous ways, that's cheating. If he or she does and agrees, and is perhaps out doing it themselves (and everyone they're dating also agrees), great.

I have a number of college friends who live this particular lifestyle. It's not for me, I'm quite certain I couldn't get past the jealousy issues of my wife being with another man, but I'm not entirely certain that that fact makes my relationship any "healthier" than those of my polyamorous friends. It just makes my preferences different.

Liam.

[bushitler]

Homosexuality is not a preference. That's pretty bigoted of you to say that. Poly is a choice, being gay is not. So they are not alike.

[Liam]

Did you read what I said? I didn't say they were the same. I said that the behaviors, though ones I may not be interested in participating in, don't bother me as long as everyone is open about it.

I agree with you that one is born gay, that it is not a choice. But it still has to be done consensually. If someone who is gay decides that I'm attractive and rapes me, that's not acceptable. If they find someone similarly inclined and they choose to have a sexual relationship, that's totally cool.

The same is true of polyamory. If my wife starts calling herself "poly" to make herself feel better about the fact that she's sleeping around, but isn't telling me about it, that's not cool. But if my wife and I decide we are capable of loving other people without breaking up our marriage and we choose to do that, and we're open with all of our other partners, and all of our other partners are honest and open with all of THEIR other partners, who the hell gave you the right to denigrate it, just because it's not for you.

In that respect, it's exactly the same. I have a great deal of contempt for people who make a career for themselves moralizing against homosexuality while privately having gay trysts. I have no such scorn for those who are simply true to themselves and honest about it to anyone who has any need to know.

Liam.

[PeterLoffredo]

What I see here is a disconnected, arrogant, narcissistic man idealizing his intimacy problems, and a masochistic, beaten down, sexually deprived married woman trying desperately to make lemonade out of lemons. All under the guise of being "polyamorous." And mind you, I'm no fan of contractual relationships (of any kind), and support only spontaneous monogamy in that regard.

[kawreader]

This video is a really sad representation of a polyamorous couple. The guy is a total terd who probably found this term on wikipedia and decided to pick up the practice. It's kind of hilarious. The lady needs a therapy session and they both could use some education.

That being said, I completely agree with Liam. I myself could not pull of this type of relationship-but I'm sure two consenting adults who prefer this (again, not the couple shown) and have given it serious thought would do just great.