Welcome to the bizarro world of so-called "mother of the year" Dina Lohan.
There's Googling of yourself to do - or rather to have your assistant do.
There are a pile of tabloids to read, a half-dozen blogs to browse and your daughter's alleged sex tapes to watch.
"You need to get it down immediately, because I'm in touch with my attorney," she tells one blogger.
And, of course, there are appointments to keep with Hugh Hefner.
The woman responsible for Lindsay Lohan - and two other children named Ali, 14, and Cody, 11 - is getting her turn in the limelight. And what better venue than a reality show on E! called "Living Lohan," that premieres on Memorial Day