Why Touching Sometimes Trumps Sex

There's a lesson for us all in the recent story of a couple who had been married for 80 years.They wisely put their relationship success down to sharing a kiss and cuddle every night before bed.

From the moment a baby is born, touch is important to developing healthy bonds.

Those without this bond show emotional withdrawal from the world, developing into adults who find intimacy difficult. And many men, even those from loving families, remember that they came to a certain age, say 9 or 10, and were positively discouraged from asking for a hug from their mum.

These issues leave many couples with a touch of a problem.

A refrain I hear frequently from female friends and clients is that once the sexual passion has waned, affectionate touch goes out of the window too. "I can't give him a simple cuddle without him thinking I want sex!" women moan. That's because he learnt not to have "emotional" hugs long ago. So when a woman offers him one, he thinks she's signalling full-on passion.

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Comments

[JKZANG]

We are 88 years old and 79 years respectively - we were sexually active until 8 months ago or so. We both agreed that our "time in the sun" has ended.....what we do agree on is that we need the touching and the cuddling and the words spoken frequently - "I love you" - we are blessed with a great and ever-lasting love.

[walk0nwalls]

HUGS FTFW

[oneeyedodin]

old ladies are not fun to hug

old men smell funny

old people are gross

my grandchildren told me so and they never fib.

[oneeyedodin]

80 effing years?

Jaysuss Keerist.

No thanks

[Sneaky]

Actually, this is a very interesting article (even with the gender bias). I recall in one of my previous psych classes a study coming up comparing infants in China to those in the US. Children born in China were spoken to less, but hugged and touched more, whereas the reverse was true of US-born children. Put simply, Chinese children were much less developmentally-hindered and consistently performed better in academics than their US counterparts.

Just a point of interest, perhaps.

[Angus703]

Hugs rule.

[atienne]

That can go both ways. Some children that do not get hugs and affection seek it out and crave it as they grow older. You find this with younger children engaging in sex before they are ready when what they really want is love and affection.

I was never hugged or touched in a loving way as a child and now I find myself hugging my kids every chance I can get! My husband was also not from a loving home at all and he still has trouble with just regular affection. These are just issues people have to learn to deal with. Communication is key!

Btw, the photo...It's Tobey McGuire (Spiderman) and Claire Danes.

[mikefromstu]

Actually the photo is of Kieran Culkin and Clair Danes from the film "Igby Goes Down"

[6WaysToSunday]

This article hits home.

I am in a sexless marriage, not by my choosing, for 8+ years. My wife hit menopause and...slam!...zilch interest in any sex. With anyone, any time. I despise my celibate state. I am as sexually attracted to women as ever. So how does my marriage last? It is our frequent touching, kissing and affection. Without it, we would have crumbled years ago. Affection (and laughter) is the glue that bonds us.

[Rmtns]

Here's an example of a healthy relationship. Most are with the relationship situation of who cannot relate except as a sexual being ( no touching except as sex) complaining that there no intimacy except sex, these are the ones that define themselves as only either sexual, or nonsexual. They never get that there are gradations of these situations.

[Janney]

I believe the touching, hugging, kissing is very essential for a loving and lasting relationship. It is important to be nice to each other, treat each other with respect and "listen" to what your partner is talking about instead of being absorbed with the newspaper or with the television. Communication is so important for a happier and loving relationship. And, it works both ways!

[TOOO]

On the other hand, I've known some women who were sexually abused when they were young, and can't stand the thought of being touched by ANY man. Other women, no problem, but men - no way.

[jpnoonan77]

The first image that came to my mind when I saw this headline was the awkward photograph of John McCain hugging George Bush at nipple level. That was a tender moment.

[Vurz]

Why are all of the "Living" coupling articles "Man wants sex, woman doesn't want sex - let's blame the guy" stories? Where's the "people living as partners accepting each others needs" articles?

[arachne646]

Actually, in the relationships where unequal sexual desire is the problem, it's about 50/50 as to whether he or she wants less sex.

[bushitler]

I think they are not blaming men, they are blaming society, which does not let men hug their mums. It is a lot of pressure as a guy to figure out what signal is sent when not given the right decoding tools.

[Nooneyouknow]

It took me years to get over my fear of hugging, and you wouldn't believe how many strangers I meet who have the same fear. Sad, really...

[Zentomato]

Thank you for being so honest about this issue. ^5

[KindAndThoughtful]

Wow! Thanks for this great post! It should be a must-read for newlyweds.

[RTIII]

I've noticed a curious reversal of this:

"That's because he learnt not to have "emotional" hugs long ago. So when a woman offers him one, he thinks she's signalling full-on passion."

...Some women who perceive this then expect that a man who gives them an "emotional hug" is making a pass at them - and react that way. It's a shame, really.
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