USA Today notes that the presidential race has only one hundred blessed days left to run, saints be praised, and so they've written up a handy little guide to the "red letter days" of the race, so that you can mark your calendars accordingly. Keeping track of dates in this fashion is apparently important! Reporter Susan Page says that "at Barack Obama's headquarters in Chicago, a countdown calendar hangs just outside campaign manager David Plouffe's office." A similar calendar "appears on white boards throughout John McCain's headquarters," where none dare call it a timetable.
The article goes on to blow out a handful of important dates, such as the August 8th start of the Olympics, the September 15th draw-down date for Iraq (again, NOT a timetable!), and the October 1st beginning of the period that one should look for an "October surprise," so named because they happen in October, and are surprising.
Still, USA Today could have gone into far greater detail. So, without further ado, here's the rest of the dates you need to know, should you be unfortunate enough to live to see all of these dates.
JULY 31, 2008
John Kerry will "will discuss a new approach to U.S. foreign policy at the Center for American Progress" as a part of CAP's "Festival Of Stuff That Would Have Been Useful To Have Done Four Years Ago 2008."
AUGUST 1-3, 2008
The Democratic National Committee will draft its platform amid the derisive shrieks of deluded Hillary Clinton supporters.
AUGUST 4, 2008
Barack Obama's birthday is today, and Chris Matthews will yell at any grocery store clerk who fails to wish him a Happy Obamamas.
AUGUST 16, 2008
Obama and McCain make joint appearance at forum at Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California. McCain will receive "bounce" after Obama fails to manifest stigmata while in the presence of the Holy Spirit.
AUGUST 25, 2008
Day One of the Democratic National Convention in Denver, Colorado, kicking off four days of the Huffington Post picking up my bar tab, if I play my cards right, which isn't easy to do, given my bar tabs.
AUGUST 29, 2008
John McCain's birthday. Expect a shot at his age? Not from me! I should be lucky to live so long, given my bar tabs.
SEPTEMBER 1, 2008
This is when you should start looking for September Surprises, which are neither as effective, nor as surprising as October surprises.
SEPTEMBER 2, 2008
WILD IN THE STREETS WITH THE RON PAUL BRIGADE IN MINNEAPOLIS.
SEPTEMBER 3, 2008
This is the third day of the Republican National Convention, and it will probably be a slow day, so, look for a steady uptick in activity at the Larry Craig Memorial Restroom out at the airport, which I will be liveblogging.
SEPTEMBER 10, 2008
Mike Huckabee is in Washington, DC to "contend for the 15th annual funniest celebrity title," which will apparently feature no "funny" celebrities.
SEPTEMBER 11, 2008
National Exploit A Tragedy For Political Purposes Day.
SEPTEMBER 18, 2008
YouTube hosts a New Orleans candidate's forum, and nothing you know about politics will ever be the same again.
SEPTEMBER 26, 2008
The first of three Presidential debates in Oxford, Mississippi. Topics will be the domestic issues most important to this nation of whiners.
OCTOBER 2, 2008
Vice-Presidential debate, between Mitt Romney and a folding chair, maybe.
OCTOBER 4, 2008
House GOP releases memorandum encouraging their members to "try to not fondle any of the pages for the next few weeks."
OCTOBER 7, 2008
The second presidential debate will take place on the two-year anniversary of the eleventh annual George Allen Hoedown!
OCTOBER 10, 2008
John McCain will hold his 76,358th town hall meeting, adding to the world record for individual appearances at town hall meetings that he set 76,187 town hall meetings ago.
OCTOBER 15, 2008
Hofstra hosts what will be the final debate of the presidential race, and, hopefully, ever.
OCTOBER 23, 2008
Rumored release date of the Osama bin Laden mixtape, tentatively titled, "Do Something Really Stupid, America, Like Always."
NOVEMBER 4, 2008
Election Day! Time to find out exactly how you were scrubbed from the voter rolls!