Dear American: A Letter From The Ministry Of The Treasury

The crisis in the financial markets has been hitting everyone of late, even the rapier wits at the blog Kissing Suzy Kolber, whose day of making enjoyably vicious fun of the National Football League was interrupted when they received an email from a pleading Henry Paulson.

DEAR AMERICAN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

[Read the rest, here.]

Comments

[avinash]

I believe it originated here

http://angrybear.blogspot.com/2008/09/your-urgent-help-needed.html

[canow]

Love the satire, that is exactly what this bailout looks like. We linked to your article in our Bailout 101 post at the CA NOW blog: http://www.canow.org/canoworg/2008/09/bailout-101.html

[XME]

This would be funny if it didn't seem so possible. Most of us certainly feel that we're being scammed!

[bigfated]

What thieves they are! What sheep we are! We are doomed!

[tel8034]

No Thanks Mr. Paulson and Mr Gramm.....­..........­......... I trust those Nigerian scammers over you, and those Nigerians would nrver get my money.

[kellygrrrl]

I'd laugh but ...

[DrTara]

Funny, but don't forget how many people, "smart" people, have been taken in by the scam spam.

Funny. Scary. Tragic. What a bunch of pigeons most people are. Unfortunately, we're all getting plucked.

[JeanPaulSatire]

Unless I hear more about what Paulson, et al., are going to do to protect the purity of our precious bodily fluids, I won't be able to support his proposal.

[Athena4000]

Clean Slate Plan

If the American public will be forced to bail out financial institutions then we must be compensated for our assistance. I submit a “clean slate plan”.

1. Everyone who has filed a tax return in the last 5 years and are not delinquent in their federal taxes should be issued an A+ credit rating.
2. Everyone who has filed a tax return in the last 5 years and are not delinquent in their federal taxes is issued up to $10,000.00 in forgiveness of any educational and medical debt.
3. Everyone who has filed a tax return in the last 5 years and are not delinquent in their federal taxes have first choice of any property owned by the “government” for purchase.

Conditions:

1. Everyone who has filed a tax return in the last 5 years and are not delinquent in their federal taxes has a job and has been working in that field for at least 5 years.
2. Must not be a real estate investor or speculator.
3. Must attend a financial planning or budgeting program.


I think this is fair and profitable for all Americans.

Athena4000

[one4obama]

Sounds reasonable to me!!

But where will the financing for that government property come from? Seems lik all financial institutions are in one way or another going to get some kind of bail out - seeing as how it may well be that there is no stipulation as to what the bad loans that will be bailed out was for. Heck, the bad loan could have been for a yacht - and the bank could get bailed out on that!

[Athena4000]

Are we to believe that these funds won't be used to "bailout" the friends of this administration? I mean they've been sooo forthcoming so far. Thanks but no thanks, to quote another PERFECT administrative choice.

[deeppeace]

Brilliant. Got to laugh to keep from cryin'.

[Rog49Thomas]

This is a 420 in my book (419+1).

All he needs is Richard Viguerie's mailing list and he can make a fortune.

[larry278]

There is a post script to this email. YOUR COUNTRY WILL SHOW GRATITUDE FOR YOUR COOPERATION IN THIS ESSENTIAL MATTER. YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE PURPLE SHAFT. DISPLAY IT ON YOUR LAPEL WHERE YOU USED TO DISPLAY THE STARS & STRIPES, the flag of the former USA. We haven't decided if the Republic of America will have a flag. The flag of the Peoples Republic of China now flies everwhere the old stars & stripes, aka old glory, flew. Our Chinese masters are favorably impressed with this gesture but they still want their money paid back to them in full-with compound interest. Our debt to China must be paid BEFORE UBS, the Swiss & Gramm touch a cent of it. Again, thanks.
Hank[y panky]

[sherrigood]

I know this is meant to be funny, and it gave me a smile. But-it is so close to the truth concerning this fiasco.

In my heart of hearts, I have felt that this President, this adminstration and Bush's cronies have set out to destroy America. One scenerio after another has been shoved down our throats all the while they were taking away our freedoms to question what was truly happening. From the Patriot Act, to WMD's makine a war necessary in Iraq...and now to the (possibly) complete collapse of our economy, requiring the further leveraging of treasury.
They have suceeded in finally scaring me and making me afraid of the government and Americas' future.

[ICanHasDemocracy]

omg SPAM!