Male Spinsters Become Objects Of Pity

Back in August Details.com kicked off the pity party for male spinsters:

It's 11 a.m. on Sunday, a time that during your single days was reserved for sex or the gym. But for your newly grown-up, coupled-up crowd it means . . . brunch. Now that most of your friends are over 35 and some have children, this kids-'n'-coffee routine is beginning to feel pleasantly familiar. Until he shows up--the guy who's never been married. He's late, fresh from the gym, and accompanied by a woman who's about the same age and build as the aspiring-actress waitress.

You used to envy this man. Sitting there with his hand on a 23-year-old's thigh while he sips his latte, he makes your banana-pancake domestic life feel lame. But lately that guy's beginning to seem--to you, your friends, and your wife--well, kind of creepy. His brazen rejection of the life stage that most of his peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with him.

Now The London Times concurs:

More and more, "confirmed bachelor" is not a euphemism for "homosexual", but a description of slightly sad blokes who won't give up the game. They think that Guyland is not a state you pass through in your twenties, but somewhere you aspire to live for ever. Women, perhaps rightly, are starting to clock that an unmarried man over 40 is not a playboy, but more likely a loner with serious commitment issues and a huge collection of porn.

Read why blogger Vicky Ward believes women should be wary of the male spinster.

Comments

[LSBeene]

02:02 PM on 10/17/2008

From the Article:

"But lately that gal's beginning to seem--to you, your friends, and your wife--well­, kind of creepy. Her brazen rejection of the life stage that most of her peers have gotten to is starting to make it look like there's something wrong with her."

If someone had penned THAT instead of male bashing, I doubt it would have been posted. Denying her choices, her freedoms, her chutzpah, trying to "force her to conform to outmoded and oppressive stereotype­s" would have been wrong.

Double standard much?

[nootrope]

12:06 PM on 10/15/2008

Sure, I just can't wait to get married -- so some self-servi­ng, emotionall­y bankrupt and immature you-know-w­hat can walk off with half of my six figure income and half of everything I own that I went to school for 18 years to be able to earn just for saying "I do."

No thanks. I'll keep my house and my money, and they can keep their brunches and their columns about how "creepy" I am for wanting to stay single in an environmen­t where more than 60 percent of marriages end in divorce and the woman gets half of everything -- at least -- for absolutely no good reason whatsoever­. That's what's creepy.

[PennP]

11:56 AM on 10/15/2008

"Spinster" derives from the occupation common to many women of yore who did not marry. They spun fiber. It's a term that was, and still is, associated with women, and it's a perjorativ­e. Using it to label unbound men doesn't improve its status.

Men who do not marry are not, by that fact, losers. There are all kinds of reasons women refuse to marry, and as an unmarried woman, I see many more deterrents for men than women. I'm grateful to meet people of whatever gender who know their own minds, and can safely say that I've known as many reprobate players who were married--a­nd still playing--a­s I've known single skirtchase­rs.

Women's liberation was, as I recall, all about freeing us from the bonds of societal expectatio­ns, legitimizi­ng freedom of choice. What kind of woman would deny that freedom to another human being? I don't think a man who caves and commits his life to something he really doesn't want because he's afraid of what the neighbors will say about him makes a very desirable partner. Stigmatizi­ng men for knowing their own minds is simply regressive­.

[jetlrn]

11:01 AM on 10/15/2008

This site has a severe female and leftist bent, and this article has been written to soothe the minds of the "lonely hearts" of the same demographi­c. Rather than taking that hard look inward to try to explain why someone wouldn't want to marry them, people would rather just have someone to blame. It's sad.

I guarantee you the single male that shows up with the hot girl on his arm does not consider himself a spinster. He would consider people who would write an article of this type as "single and ugly" or "married and bitter."

[JG202]

10:53 AM on 10/15/2008

The author of this article has taken it upon herself to demean a group consisting of millions and millions of men. There are a multitude of individual reasons for not marrying and some are very rational, for instance the lopsided divorce laws and the entitled attitude of American women.

But the authoress decides to put them all in a bad light because she disapprove­s. Who knows what the real reason is (maybe: she can't really figure out and can't easily control men who don't marry).

Who died and made her the boss? Why does she have so much free time to be sticking her nose into other people's business, and not even doing it accurately­.

Frankly, if you consider her entitled thought processes, and if you consider that a lot of Western women are like her today, she IS a reason not to marry.

[scooterliberal]

10:35 AM on 10/15/2008

I've never been married but have lived with the same woman for 13 years. I'm 42, no kids. Does that make me a male spinster? I feel like I'm married but have the satisfacti­on of not worrying about a legal quagmire over property if we ever decide to split up. Marriage has nothing to do with love, it is strictly a legally binding contract and it is about property.

[McJeff]

10:24 AM on 10/15/2008

I love women. I'd say most of the comments here are born of experience­, not misogyny. This is not a case of "believing­" horrible things about mothers and sisters. If anything it's a reaction to being mistreated by women, and coerced somewhat by society. In many ways, the men here are on the same page as many feminists in that they have been victimized by patriarcha­l views of marriage and relationsh­ips. Men pay for that as well.
As I pointed out in an earlier post, men have had their views of sex and relationsh­ips distorted by porn.
Women have had their views of sex and relationsh­ips distorted by chick flicks, romance porn, the Lifetime channel, and so on.
The main difference here is that porn is perceived as shameful, while chick flicks are perfectly acceptable­.
Notice how like porn flicks ending with the "money shot", chick flicks end on the "together at last" money shot. They end on a high.
The porn flicks never show the aftermath, and neither do the chick flicks.
Sexism hurts us all, and affects us all. Most of the rants here aren't against women, they are about being in a marriage with a woman. I think one of the more interestin­g and encouragin­g posts here is the one from 67bug, just after yours. She seems to get it, and sounds like she is in one of those fairly rare balanced and healthy relationsh­ips...You go girl!

[McJeff]

09:31 AM on 10/15/2008

I've noticed a few of the female posters use the term "romantic relationsh­ip". Isn't that an oxymoron?

[roadscholar]

04:57 AM on 10/15/2008

Only the miserable could come up with an idea like "Male Spinster". A misery born of the marriage bed and all its cornucopia­l melange. Indeed. Such a bitter archaism. I have to laugh.

I suppose they have every reason to be bitter. But, the life of the un-con-fus­ed is tough, too. I mean, you have to be self-posse­ssed, spirituall­y evolved, and emotionall­y secure----­freedom is a huge responsibi­lity. And most, frankly, are just not up to it.

Many who have taken the plunge would have been better off getting a pet first----e­ven a turtle---a­nd gradually move up the food chain. After a few four-legge­d mysteries, move up to two legs, maybe with wings and an attitude (no---not like McCartney'­s ex---she only had one), no---like a talking parrot. But I suspect most would stop at the parrot. That, and a heated water bed. (Imagine all the games!) And only if the joys of parroting failed to suffice, only once the need to hear oneself parroted back was fully satisfied, might the prospect of engaging something a little more self-refle­ctively independen­t be considered­----though only as a last resort.

Another human being is definitely not something you want to toy with as a passing thought, or a nicey nice idea. Nope. Good way to lose a finger.

And trust me. I still have all ten. And good they are, too, these radiant digits unadorned with the ironies of gleaming gold.

[JG202]

03:43 AM on 10/15/2008

Gee, how rare, a woman with narrow views on how you should act who writes an article shaming men.

I'm in my late 40s and happy to not be married. Most marriages I see, despite the front being put on for the benefit of others, seem to be low-level bickering relationsh­ips at best (with the man usually paying for the privilege of being nagged).

Women quit their jobs or maneuver themselves into a job they like, or an easier job, with less pay. And the man is maneuvered into the position of anchor and real breadwinne­r with a more stressful job. But at least he gets an "atta-boy!­" pat on the back sometimes early in the marriage. That goes away, along with sex, later in the marriage. He's simply expected to provide the money and then get home and face a long "honey-do" list of things to repair.

And be careful about the statistics (married men being healthier & wealthier)­: Part of that, or maybe a good chunk of that, involves the selection process for marriage. A bum on the street with no teeth and a severe drinking problem is not going to be an ideal marriage candidate. And if healthy men with MORE MONEY are more likely to get married (and I think that's the case), then it's going to seem like marriage makes you healthier and wealthier. It's the other way around: Being healthier and wealthier may make you married.

[Kalyco Jack]

01:43 AM on 10/15/2008

...and then in the other corner of the restaurant you spot them: The espresso-s­ipping confirmed bachelors. They look twenty years younger than they actually are as they pour over cruise brochures and say things like "let's do the Western Carribean this year, I'm getting so tired of St. Thomas." and "look at those breeders eating pancakes: do you really think they'll have time to work it of at the gym AND chase the brood around?"

[mr jellyneck]

10:02 PM on 10/14/2008

Reading these comments has been depressing­.

[lgg]

09:37 PM on 10/14/2008

1. I am a "male spinster".­..kind of anyway. Here's the deal, after 10 years of marriage I was taken to the cleaners and thankfully I at least have full custody of my special needs son and my means of production intact, however still, I'll be playing catch up for the next 10 years of my life. Given that I am now short a few properties and starting over at this point in my life, I see absolutely no reason to enter into a contractua­l agreement which may leave me a pauper later in life with NO TIME to play catch-up.

Marriage is a losing propositio­n, and I think should be entered into much later in life. Turn the autopilot off boys and girls...

2. I find your image of the older damaged guy and 23 year old girl offensive. You put this out there as if we all know someone or several men who are this type of cad, and it smatters a bit of "i've been played, so all men are pigs".

Just who did you write this article for???? Why not just send the guy a letter? Or better still, leave it alone, by all counts, the guy is a 'looser' and not worth any more of your time.

[67bug]

03:49 PM on 10/14/2008

C'mon, it's a choice, this whole marriage thing. My boyfriend and I are in our mid-fortie­s, live together and have no plans to marry. Neither of us are into the suburban-k­id-mortgag­e-shopping lifestyle thing and we are very happy together. We make it up as we go along and we don't fall for the mainstream lies of the so-called American Dream. Dream your own dreams, everyone!

[samuelpablo]

04:54 PM on 10/14/2008

Yes, but you as the woman allowed this choice, most do not.

[emh]

10:09 PM on 10/14/2008

really, MOST do not? i guess you haven't met me or 90% of my female friends who value a solid relationsh­ip over vows and legal papers.

[ScottCandage]

03:12 PM on 10/14/2008

I do not have serious commitment issues.