"Microtrend"-enthusiast and Devourer Of Hilary Clinton's Hopes Mark Penn had a column in the Wall Street Journal yesterday, for some reason, about how the economic downturn has bred a new cohort of "people who have lost their trust in the financial world, and are preparing for the next meltdown." Penn calls these people "the New Mattress Stuffers."
Anyway, Penn believes the recession will bring about a boom in the area of "personal financial security" in the same way September 11 brought about "a vast industry in building security." "As a result," Penn says, "firms which can offer ironclad guarantees of safety will appeal to this new group." But ha ha! What is an "ironclad guarantee of financial safety," anyway? Anyone got a favorite post-9/11 security firm they want to cite that fills your heart with confidence? Will the financial security agents of the future make sure all our nickels take their shoes off before they're allowed in our mattresses? Who knows?
Penn cites many ways that the New Mattress Stuffers can "calm themselves" during these bleak financial times. Buy gold coins, for instance! Purchases of guns, safes, and home vaults are in the increase, so get in on some of that action, Laid-Off Middle Class America! Oh, and listen to your jeweler, Joe Sixpack, because Penn reckons they "may start to tell you to 'don't forget to stash away a diamond or two.'" Personally, the solutions all look like the sorts of things that are only within the reach of those for whom the times won't be so bleak, but Penn broadly compares the New Mattress Stuffers to people who, in times past, hid "tin cans of cash in [their] walls."
Penn asserts that New Mattress Stuffers "don't care about the 10% interest rate on GE preferred stock that Warren Buffett snapped up; they care about making it through if hard times get even worse." That's too bad! You know, in time's past the Wall Street Journal might have run a column to help people understand why Warren Buffet loads up on preferred stock in General Electric, and, more importantly, Goldman Sachs. It might be the sort of news a Mattress Stuffer could use, to ensure they're asking their elected representatives the right questions before their Mattress Stuffing is offset by any fanciful government bailout programs.
Anyway, I guess a few enterprising Americans can bail themselves out during Inauguration weekend by going to Mark Penn's home and excavating his front lawn to find where he's stashed all of his gold doubloons and blood diamonds.