Lou Dobbs has a lot of time to fill on his radio show, and no one much wants to talk about NAFTA Highways or the coming Invasion of the Mexican Lepers anymore, so this presents difficulties. Luckily, yesterday was Saint Patrick's Day -- or, as it is also known, "Amateur Night (Observed)" -- the one day a year where we celebrate Irish stuff. Anyway, Dobbs is against "ethnic holidays," but that's not all -- he is evidently powerfully confused by them. For the clearest sign yet that this man is five years away from yelling at scary clouds and loud noises made by the teevee, give a listen:
[LISTEN.]
"And by the way, I've got to wish to you, each and every one, Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I do that, and I have to be honest with you, despite my fervent anti-ethnic holiday position. That's right! I'm against St. Patrick's Day. I'm against St. Columbus Day. Saint Joseph's Day. I'm against all of those things. Is there, by the way, is there a Jewish, a Jewish ethnic holiday? Is there one? No? Okay. The Jews have disappointed me. I mean, is there a St. Mauritius? No? A Belize? I don't know. We gotta have -- there's gotta be something else going on here! How about an Asian ethnic holiday? Is there one? You know, a Saint Jin Tao Wow? Chinese New Year? All right, we can do that ... I mean, what is with all of these ethnic holidays? I mean how about an American Day? How about were all the same kind of day?"
Yeah, it's been getting harder and harder out here for AMERICANS, who've only got the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Veterans' Day, Flag Day, President's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, The Day After Thanksgiving, V-E Day, V-J Day, and the playing of the National Anthem before every single sporting event, ever to celebrate our wondrous amalgam of ethnicity.
Meanwhile: do Jews have an ethnic holiday? I imagine that Dobbs is splitting the difference between "religious holidays" and Saint Patrick's Day-like celebrations of Judaism. I took up the issue with Spencer Ackerman:
JASON: So, besides NOFX concerts, do y'all Jews have a holiday that's like Saint Patrick's Day?
SPENCER: There's Jewish Christmas! Whereby you eat Chinese food and go see a movie, and then get f**ked up.
JASON: Ahh! OF COURSE.
SPENCER: It's the original War on Christmas.
Anyway, next year in Kilkenny!
[Would you like to follow me on Twitter? Because why not? Also, please send tips to tv@huffingtonpost.com -- learn more about our media monitoring project here.]