Sweet sassy molassey! A column in the recent issue of D Magazine is freaking everybody out today, and with good reason! It contains the line:
From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.
Here's the amazing part! The column was written by David Feherty, who is best known as CBS' golf analyst. Yes. You read that correctly. CBS' GOLF ANALYST. Talk about a good walk spoiled!
"Mr. Feherty's violent comments about Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid are disgusting," said Media Matters president Eric Burns. "Suggesting that our troops would attack the leaders of the very democracy they've sworn to sacrifice their lives for is an insult to their integrity, honor, and professionalism. CBS Sports should demand its golf analyst apologize to our soldiers."
OK, so: context! The line comes in a larger article about President George W. Bush and wife Laura moving to the Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow, and if I could sum up the theme of Feherty's piece in a sentence, it would be: "I, David Feherty, have an intense loathing of everyone who lives in this community and very soon, President Bush shall know of my pain and despair."
And now, a mea culpa! This article by Feherty is part of a larger collection of ruminations on Bush 43's return to Texas that have been available online for a long time, and which I mentioned back in the beginning of April. Somehow, and I don't remember how, Feherty's contribution to this effort escaped my attention. I sort of feel bad about this now, I can tell you!
Anyway, among the great works of Feherty that I haven't read is a book called An Idiot For All Seasons, so maybe he was encouraged to go for broke, throw every last stitch of intense, crazyfaced emotion he had in him at the page, and managed to strike gold with his insane Nancy Pelosi death fantasy. Here's a Brief and Lamentable Collection of Wackery that didn't quite rise to that level:
...I mean, what a nightmare of a time that was to be president of the United States! His two terms must have felt like the rest of the world had inserted the Washington Monument into him and it was his job to heave it out....
...I hate my neighbors because of their very proximity, or at least I hate the ones that want to talk to me who aren't doctors or gun dealers or who don't have their own airplanes....
...If I have to visit someone, he had better either be in jail or the hospital, and to be honest I'd prefer jail. I do golf commentary on CBS and sometimes star in television commercials wherein I jump on a trampoline while wearing a skirt....
...No, when I make it home, I slam the door behind me and peek out the letterbox to see if I've been spotted by any of the bastards who live nearby....
...Even with their Secret Service entourage, the Bushes are going to be besieged by herds of North Dallas McMansion-dwellers, more brown-nosed and full of BS than any longhorn. Nouveaux riche and face-lifted old-monied fossils alike will descend upon them like ants to the honeypot every time they set foot outside their door....
Feherty also offers us a brief glimpse into his political views:
I believe in the death penalty, especially for pro-lifers, child molesters, those opposed to gay marriage, and for stupid dancing in the end zone. I believe in the abolition of estate taxes and the Pickens Plan. I'd lower the legal drinking age and raise the driving age to 18 nationwide, make Kinky Friedman governor of Texas, and make all schools, public and private, start earlier with one hour of physical exercise.
So there you have it. Now you know what Crash Davis' "I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days" monologue would have sounded like if it had been spoken by a thoroughly insane golf analyst, and not Kevin Costner.
UPDATE: CBS' Sports has responded, calling Feherty's column an "unacceptable attempt at humor."
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