Dickipedia: Rick Perry

06/18/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
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James Richard "Rick" Perry (born March 4, 1950) is the secession-happy governor of Texas, an outspoken Christian Conservative despite the fact that outspoken Christian Conservatism is so 2002, and a dick.

Rick Perry is the longest-serving governor in Texas history, making him one of the most influential people in a state primarily known for its barbecue, belt buckles, longhorn hood ornaments, and lethal injections of the mentally handicapped. As such, Perry has appointed nearly every state officer, board, or commission member a governor can appoint someone to, including five of the nine state supreme court justices. He also does most of the choreography for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Leathery and blow-dried, Perry easily lays claim to the title of "Most Bouffant U.S. Governor," especially now that Rod Blagojevich has officially been barred from holding the office ever again.

Recently, Perry has drawn attention for his criticism of the Obama administration's handling of the recession, and for turning down approximately $555 million in federal stimulus money. Though he has officially "said thanks, but no thanks" on that bridge-loan to nowhere, you can be sure that federal money will quietly find its way into state coffers anyway. Also, Texas isn't going secede any sooner than Jim Carey is going to win an Oscar.

In this, Rick Perry epitomizes all the Republicans who "vowed" to move to Canada if Barack Obama won the election, and before them, all the Democrats who said the same of a George W. Bush victory in 2004. As if Canada would even take them.

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