07/09/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dickipedia: Jon & Kate Plus 8

Jon and Kate Gosselin (married June 12, 1999) are an all-American couple who have eight children, an exploitative reality TV show, and quite possibly the most miserable marriage America has seen since Kim Bassinger and Alec Baldwin. Though both Jon and Kate possess no charm, charisma, or talent aside from the ability to successfully combine sperm with eggs (with the help of a fertility doctor), approximately 10 million Americans tune in weekly to watch them emotionally (and fingers crossed--maybe in the 2009 season finale?--physically) scar each other little by little, in 30-minute increments. D-to-the-Izzo, C-to-the-Kizzay, here's two dicks, now throw your damn hands up.

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