10/19/2009 09:21 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Ayatollah Khamenei: Dickipedia

Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hoseyni Khamene'i (born July 17, 1939) is an Iranian politician, brutal dictator in religious leader's clothing, and a dick. He is not to be confused with Ayatollah Khomeini, although good luck---that whole Khomeini/Khamenei thing is really confusing.

Ayatollah Khamenei has been described as one of the three biggest influences on the Islamic Republic, the others being Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, leader of the revolution, and the tag-team of The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkov, whose victory over Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda in WrestleMania 1 remains one of the proudest moments in Iranian history.

President from 1981 to 1989, Ayatollah Khamenei succeeded Ayatollah Khomeini as Supreme Leader of Iran. Anyone who takes the title "Supreme Leader" is also, by definition, a supreme dick. Well, maybe except for Diana Ross, but even she's kind of being a c-u-next Tuesday about Michael Jackson's will.

Khamenei is a Shia Muslim, as opposed to a Sunni Muslim, two sects of Islam who hate each other both despite and because of their extreme underlying similarity, sort of like Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann.

For most of his tenure, Khamenei has been more of a behind-the-scenes dick, a Puff Daddy to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Notorious B.I.G., so to speak (and we all know how that ends, with Ahmadinejad gunned down on his way home from the Soul Train Music Awards).

During the presidential elections and subsequent protests of June 2009, however, Khamenei whipped out his dickishness for the whole world to see. Good luck getting him to zip it up, now. Silver lining: it just might be worth dredging up those old "Ayatollah Ass-a-hollah" T-shirts you've had in your basement since 1989.

Don't let the dastar fool you. Once he gets a couple of dooghs in him, Ayatollah Khamenei can Baba karam with the best of them.

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