08/07/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Is The Recession Over Now That Gonzo Has A Job (No.) (And The Rest Of Your Scritti Politti)

What a frabjous day for former Bush Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who have finally surmounted what seemed to be his most insurmountable object -- finding a new employer! Yes, despite the fact that he cannot remember a single blessed thing about his life under oath, and is otherwise one of the worst Americans ever, Texas Tech has given Gonzo a job! NONE DARE DOUBT THE AWESOME REACH OF OBAMA'S JOB CREATING STIMPAK, NOW!

The Austin-American Statesman now reports that Gonzales has also "lined up a fall-semester teaching spot at Texas Tech University." He will be working in the political science department on a "'special topics' course on contemporary issues in the executive branch."

Sounds like Gonzo's signed up to teach some sort of special study on euphemisms! Oh well, the story of Gonzo's new job, his class, his new students, the Hellmouth that subsequently cracks open beneath Texas Tech, and the fate of the one young woman who must protect America from the demonspawn reared by the former Attorney General will be told in the forthcoming reboot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer/a>>. Anyway, congratulations to Alberto Gonzales, America's Lagging Indicator!

Media Stories On The Radio: Remember Nico-Pitney Gate? The werewolf bar mitzvah of journalistic scandals, involving Iran twitterers and dick whisperers? Well now the story can be told! As a fun radio play! Starring Ana Marie Cox, Christina Bellantoni, and Rick Klein! If this takes off, maybe Air America will find room in their budgets to employ 1940s era radio foley artists!

Speaking of Job Creation: Children growing up today who want to grow up and stalk the chain link cages of GITMO, there's HOPE! Now, the Senate Armed Services Committee is mulling keeping the prison an amusement park, maybe?...but mostly a prison. There's no lack of shovel ready projects when so many campaign-year promises need to be buried in shallow graves!

This Day In Twitter: Would it be fair to say that today, Mark Knoller was a Twitter hero for his lovely recounting of memories pertaining to the death and funeral of Elvis Presley? No. Mark Knoller is a Twitter hero EVERY DAY. But today's output was, indeed, pretty special.