COMEDY
10/19/2009 09:21 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Allen Stanford Dickipedia

Sir Robert Allen Stanford, KCN (born March 24, 1950) is a dick financier, dick philanthropist (or, as it is sometimes referred to, "philanthrodick"), and dick sponsor of professional sports, who, throughout his illustrious career, has dicked investors out of $8 billion. Dick.

Allen Stanford is the founder, chairman, CEO, and whole owner of Stanford Financial Group, which consists of Stanford Capital Management, Stanford International Bank, Stanford Group, Stanford Trust, and Stanford Coins and Bullion. He also plays synth for new wave pop trio Stanford!

In early 2009, Allen Stanford became the subject of several financial malfeasance investigations, eventually facing civil and criminal charges in both the United States and Antigua. When a country like Antigua charges you with bank fraud and money laundering, you know you've been up to some real sketch.

On top of everything else, Allen Stanford is one of those Americans who likes to pretend to be British, like those total meat-wipes who come back from a semester in London dipping their "chips" in vinegar and listening to Radiohead. Not only is Stanford a noted cricket fan, he also holds a dual citizenship with Antigua, a country that knighted him for some reason. One imagines that reason to be a sizable cash donation to the Governor-General.

When the light hits his moustache in a certain way, Allen Stanford bears a striking resemblance to Adolph Hitler, if Hitler wore bright pink golf shirts and a $25,000 watch.

Say what you will about Allen Stanford, at least he was defrauding drug kingpins and international weapons dealers, as opposed to Nobel Peace Prize laureates, say, or Stephen Spielberg.

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