10/19/2009 09:21 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Robert Pattinson: Dickipedia

Robert Thomas Pattinson (born May 13, 1986) is a dick actor, model, and musician best known for playing Edward Cullen in the film adaptation of "Twilight," and very likely the reason your wife or girlfriend has stopped having sex with you.

Often called the "face" of "Twilight," Robert Pattinson portrays a character described by the series creator as "devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful." You try playing that without turning into a total dick.

On top of that, Pattinson's character is every woman's fantasy--a dangerous though non-threatening protector with great hair and a bulletproof jawline, who, instead of getting tanked and groping you for five minutes before passing out, cradles you in his sober arms all night long, listening to you talk for hours on end without saying a word and without ever falling asleep.

This fictional chastity is especially ironic, considering that in real life Robert Pattinson is one of the biggest p-hounds to emerge from England since Henry VIII. Although none of RPattz's conquests have been decapitated, at least not that "OK! Magazine" knows about. Pattinson harbors a penchant for bedding then stringing along various barely legal co-stars. Rumor has it he even got it on with Hermione Granger, a coupling that has something for every pervert on the planet.

You do have to hand it to Robert Pattinson, though, he does have some pretty rockin' abs. And he's way better eye candy than the Gosselins.

Read more on Dickipedia/HuffPost Comedy

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.