Orange County Register Publishes The Single Most Tasteless Sports Column In The History Of Written Language

Oh dear. On Labor Day, the Orange County Register published a column by Mark Whicker that I fear is the odds-on favorite to be the Worst Newspaper Column of 2009. Holy crap, but this is awful. Eye-searingly, soul-hurtingly awful. It's one of those timeless pieces that takes a recent news event, and infuses it with memories of the past. That, in and of itself, is not so bad! But what if I told you that the "recent news event" was the rescue of Jaycee Dugard from her kidnapper and rapist, Phillip Garrido, after twenty years of isolation and confinement, and that the past memories were those of all the great sporting events she missed while she was in captivity, being raped?

This is all totally real.

It doesn't sound as if Jaycee Dugard got to see a sports page.

Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.

She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn't high-fived in a while.

She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.

Now, that's deprivation.

Yes. That's right. Only one columnist had the guts to ask, "Is Jaycee Dugard getting enough high-fives?"

What is INSANE about this column is that the bulk of it is nothing but a goddamned LISTICLE of sports news from the past two decades, which was probably just pulled right off the top of this columnist's head to fill out whatever word-count requirement the OC Register enforces. Here are some extremely cringe-worthy examples:

•Mike Tyson now makes fun of himself in movies.

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•The Anaheim Ducks won the Stanley Cup in '07. Yeah, a hockey team came to Anaheim. Yeah, they built an arena in Anaheim.

•I know you've had trouble digesting all this so far, but they also built a basketball arena at USC. Honest to God.

•A guy from East L.A. named Oscar De La Hoya now makes boxing contenders rich and famous. Just as he did when he was boxing.

•The Angels won a World Series. When you learn who they beat, you'll understand why.

Seriously! Just how hard can one Huffington Post media critic pound out the letters "WTF" on his keyboard? I JUST FOUND OUT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.

Outside of perhaps, that last example, there's no attempt to view a specific sports memory through the prism of Dugard's experience, or vice-versa. PERHAPS THIS IS FOR THE BEST. Nevertheless, it's still the worst column I have read, in MANY A MOON.

Here's how Whicker ends this: "Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard."

German linguists really need to come up with a 43-letter polysyllabic word to describe the precise feeling you experience, reading this awfulness.

[via @MichaelCaruso]

Update: Whicker responds with regret over Dugard column:

For Tuesday's Register, I wrote a column that clearly offended and outraged large portions of our readership. It was not my intention to do so. But it's obvious that I miscalculated the effect the column on Jaycee Dugard, and the events that she might have missed during her captivity, had on those who read, buy and advertise in our newspaper.

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Comments

[bettyx1138]

OMG SHE MISSED NIN"S LAST SHOW EVER! THAT"S MUCH WORSE@!

[CydMiller]

I thinks this represents how numb our society has become to the victimization of women. I guess it just doesn't even register that something is inherently wrong with a society that treats women like object on so many levels. Media (sexism, stories of slave trade), Movies and Music (violence to women or sexual objects), etc.

More than 3 women are murdered by partners everyday. So am I surprised that this idiot and the editor did not find this so inherently tastless and wrong? No. Maybe if they had some diversity in their ranks, to simply point out the obvious.

[spoonerrothbard]

"I thinks this represents how numb our society has become to the victimization of women. I guess it just doesn't even register that something is inherently wrong with a society that treats women like object on so many levels"

This is such poor me bullcrap. Do you really think that little of women to think that they can't handle themselves?

[SwingingFromCenter]

I read it and the first thing that came to mind wasn't "offense".

Seriously, you people have skin that is way too thin these days, and your delicate sensibilities seem to just ASK to get offended.

[powerlift2201]

A story that makes light of a young woman's horrific ordeal isn't offensive? There are very few people that can actually identify with what this Jaycee went through. This man used her ordeal to sell a few more copies of the news paper. Sadly his stunt worked.

It is out of a sense of decency that people are outraged not "thin skin"

[SwingingFromCenter]

Somehow I doubt that's the intent. Course, there's also the reality that what the woman went through wasn't really an "ordeal" from her perspective (granted, due to the whole brainwa.shing thing).

[spoonerrothbard]

The act is offensive, not the words. Did reading the story cause you to "make light" of the ordeal? I'm guessing not. Is it possible to make a humorous joke about something serious and still hold in your head that the situation is still serious? Apparently not in yours.

[bettyx1138]

swingingfromcenter, if something like that happened to *your* daughter i;m sure u'd feel differently.

[jessicajuliette]

one can certainly understand the emotional and mental challenges jaycee may face as a result of years in captivity...what's whicker's reason for this clear departure from reason? cause he's clearly MENTAL.....

[rodsbadhairday]

so the worst part of being kidnapped and raped is that you missed some sports?
WTF indeed.
He should be fired.

[jerryfromcalifornia]

Ah, Orange County, the secure Republican stronghold in California (fast changing to 50/50) where so many congerssional seats have been made safe. Where the USC spoiled brats are in abundance. The Orange County Register.......a paper that we call the dog trainer.
jerry belairca

[bwradley]

. . . and there is the reason why, having lived in the Orange County area for more than 20 years, I have never subscribed to, and only very infrequently read, The Register.

[HDR]

This one of those disasters that brings everyone together regardless of perspective with the exception of other pedophiles and sociopaths, maybe. One thing for sure, "Whicker" will work its way into our vernacular to sum up when an action or thought if massively boneheaded and callous. This will haunt him for the rest of his career (or maybe just for the next 18 yrs.), and deservedly so.

[ramal]

Whicker should be fired and the paper should issue an apologoy to Jaycee and the public. Disgraceful.

[fishgirl26]

Really?? This guy is so self important he needs to point out just how many SPORTING events she missed??? To most it's not the end of the world to not see a box score!!! If this is the concern than shouldn't Sportscenter be playing at GITMO?? Come to think of it...perhaps this a-hole should be put on the cops and courts beat!!

[BlueIndependent]

That is a truly horrendous column, one that reveals a side of the writer's character that should probably have a few people calling a therapist for him.

But your "evisceration" of him and his column is barely any better. Oh sure there's nothing wrong with your content, but your style...eesh. Keep your day job Linkins. I could've done better than this quite easily.

[GwenElle]

Leave it to this columnist to remind us how depraved we have become. It is despicable that Mark Whicker would even think to compare the horror this woman suffered to sporting events, let alone follow though to actually write the column. Okay, so he went so far as to write it, but whatever made him think that it was worthy of submission to his editor? Whatever made the editor think it was worthy of public consumption? I tell you what, nothing short of a descent into soullessness.

Whicker appears to have taken *inspiration for his column* from DIRECTV's ad campaign for the upcoming football season. It features athletes and entertainers attempting to dupe and guilt-trip the typical idolatrous, sports-obsessed male into believing that somehow he will miss out on something meaningful if he happens to miss an athlete throw, catch or run with a football. Every time those obnoxious commercials come on, I change the channel. It would seem that Whickers should have done the same.

I am one of those rare females who knows as much about sports as the average male and who in her youth found some modicum of self-expression through participation in sports. There was a misbegotten time when I arranged my weekends around my love of football. But for the first time in my life I am dreading autumn, the football season and all of its attendant lunacy.

Is there anyway to cancel a season, and by that I mean autumn?

[Foreground]

Well, I suppose we could go straight to Nuclear Winter, but then we'd have to deal with Nuclear Hockey.

[JWheels]

Linkins, I think this one finally put you over the edge, I have been waiting for something to crack you with the media insanity that is the year 2009. I think media critic might be a pretty draining and insanity-causing position. Hang in there Jason!

[GO-BAMA]

I'd be much more outraged over the column in question if the article critiquing it didn't read like it was written by an mid-adolescent Facebook geek who is so, so, "SO" outraged and profoundly inarticulate that he can only express his feelings through the use of random capitalization. Give me a break. When is this site going to publish some adult editorial?

[sbmulqueen]

Every time something horri.fi.c happens - 9/11 etc. - sports writers and athletes are the first people who write/say "Well, this just puts it all in perspective." So how is it that this "man" can trivialize this poor girl's ordeal by comparing it to sports? That is the point. Thanks to KO for calling him out too.

[robiform]

Yes indeed, not only did KO call out Whicker, he also called out Whicker's editor for allowing such sewage to be published! I think the only reason that Whicker, et. al. didn't get top spot in "Worst Persons" is that the moronic South Carolina representative who yelled during the President's speech had to take top prize!