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How To Survive The Apocalypse: Some Things You Need To Know Before The World Ends

First Posted: 06/17/10 06:12 AM ET   Updated: 05/25/11 05:10 PM ET

If you are not currently on the mailing list for birther-warehouse website WorldNetDaily, then you just have no idea how magical it can be. One of the great benefits is that from time to time, WorldNetDaily will send you an email, introducing "major advertisers to our loyal readers and valued customers." And this week, we got one such email, promoting a book called "How To Survive The Collapse Of Civilization", by Bob Livingston. (You can read the whole thing, if the spirit moves you!)

See, at some point in the future, you will inevitably find yourself in the middle of an electromagnetic pulse attack, or a dirty bomb detonation, or thermonuclear war, or terrorist-delivered smallpox attack. THIS IS JUST LIFE, NO ONE DENIES THIS! What are you going to do, when you and the last vestiges of society have to embark on a hardscrabble struggle to perpetuate the human race. If you're like me, and you recognize the fact that your Master of Fine Arts degree and your talent for writing dick jokes about politics are superfluous to society's needs, you will probably just take one for the human race and agree to be culled from the survivors. Hopefully it will be quick and painless, and people will remember your sacrifice fondly!

But if you want to outlive and outsmart and outlast the rampaging cannibal hordes of mutants that will be scavenging the landscape, seeking to suck the sweet, sweet marrow out of your bones, you are going to need some help. Unfortunately, all this guy Bob Livingston can offer you are potassium iodide tablets and bicycles and "victory" gardens and "Amish alternatives to high-tech living." And I say, nuts to that! We can do a lot better.

Seriously, in the event of the total collapse of civilization, do you really want to be tooling around on your fixie, growing radishes and living like the Amish? No, you are going to want to RUN THIS SHIT. So, here's what we suggest to get to gathering:

Get Yourself Some Big Guns
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The apocalypse is no place for wallflowers, so you're going to need to get over your aversion to firearms, and not being a pacifist, really quick. Ma Deuce, also known as the Browning 50 Caliber machine gun, will help you do so in a hurry. I'm no gun expert, but this Browning has been around since WWI, and is still being used to perforate America's enemies today. Outfit your running crew with some of these, and you'll be the alpha dogs of post-collapse America in no time.
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