Colbert On Oyster Herpes: 'Who's F--king Our Oysters?' (VIDEO)

On The Colbert Report, Stephen tackles the latest oceanic threats in his segment, "Aqua ThreatDown."

In response to recent reports of oyster herpes spreading in warmer waters, Colbert is curious, "Who's f--king our oysters?"

Rather than accepting scientists' allegations of global warming as the culprit, Colbert believes the true cause is far more obvious: "oyster sluts."

"Oysters, stop seducing bivalve-curious humans by fluttering your filters to any guy looking to shuck you all night long!" he exclaims.

Moving on to the hot debate of Israeli regulators wanting to close the famous baptism pilgrimage site in the Jordan River due to pollution, Colbert doesn't think a bit of "floating cholera" should "get in the way of salvation."

Sardonically taunting the regulators who want to prevent access to the sacred site, Colbert cleverly gibes, "Oh no, the Lord can't reveal himself as a burning bush, that might release too much CO2. God has to appear as a compact fluorescent bulb."

WATCH:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Aqua ThreatDown - Oyster Sluts, Japanese Hackers & Israeli Regulators
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election Fox News

Comments

[Areyoukiddingg]

05:54 PM on 08/25/2010

I agree it was Bee Pee.

[derrickhoyle]

04:00 PM on 08/25/2010

Colbert is great. Who else could get away with the visual of Jesus walking on a floating raft of feces?

[Edward Standley]

11:50 AM on 08/25/2010

Proof, one again, that Colbert and crew are the funniest out there!

[losingitbigtime]

10:05 AM on 08/25/2010

The writers proving once again that the Emmy won last weekend was well deserved.

[jan4insight]

02:28 AM on 08/25/2010

The sad thing is, too many wingers think Colbert is on their side...

[naschkatze]

12:52 AM on 08/25/2010

ROTFLMAO

[Monk2001]

04:34 PM on 08/24/2010

Two of the best sources for decent news.

Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

[DanniD]

12:22 AM on 08/25/2010

That is so true, it makes me want to weep for our Nation.

[pearlheartgtr]

04:01 PM on 08/24/2010

Could the oysters have had "relations" with the bearded clam?

[VeggieLove]

04:20 PM on 08/24/2010

Hahahaha! Fanned!

[RandVictims]

04:25 PM on 08/24/2010

That would explain sand in the crack...

[DharmaRecruit]

03:39 PM on 08/24/2010

The oyster herpes bit made me chuckle but I laughed out loud at the Gorton's Antivirus. But I admit my sense of humor's a little whacked.

[Monk2001]

04:34 PM on 08/24/2010

BTW DR.... what will you watch on TV this Fall?

Lost withdrawl hasn't fully hit yet....

Namaste!

[DharmaRecruit]

04:41 PM on 08/24/2010

I honestly have no idea, I'm still in the stages of grief with LOST. However, any minute now FedEx is delivering the complete series on Blu-Ray so I can stay in denial for a few more weeks :)

Got any suggestions? Namaste!

[kenhamlett]

02:44 PM on 08/24/2010

Apparently, Mr. Colbert has not been paying attention this summer. Clearly, this summer at least, it was our friends at BP, with an able assist and alibi service offered by the Obama Administration! But, not to worry, next summer the oysters will be gigantic and probably come in psychedelic colors, because -- you know -- the oil has "just disappeared."

[kapalabhati]

03:32 PM on 08/24/2010

Seriously? You do understand that this was a joke, don't you?

[Bogey907]

04:03 PM on 08/24/2010

It is hard to tell. Even the real conservatives are nearly this ridiculous.

[dmorris311]

09:06 PM on 08/24/2010

actually, i read about this before the gulf spill...don't ask me why...irregardless, it is true. lol.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/foodanddrink/foodanddrinknews/7907059/Kent-oysters-blighted-by-incurable-herpes.html

[LeftLeanWing]

10:04 AM on 08/25/2010

"
Clearly, this summer at least, it was our friends at BP, with an able assist and alibi service offered by the Obama Administration!
"

WHAT THE F |_________| C K ?