On The Colbert Report, Stephen tackles the latest oceanic threats in his segment, "Aqua ThreatDown."
In response to recent reports of oyster herpes spreading in warmer waters, Colbert is curious, "Who's f--king our oysters?"
Rather than accepting scientists' allegations of global warming as the culprit, Colbert believes the true cause is far more obvious: "oyster sluts."
"Oysters, stop seducing bivalve-curious humans by fluttering your filters to any guy looking to shuck you all night long!" he exclaims.
Moving on to the hot debate of Israeli regulators wanting to close the famous baptism pilgrimage site in the Jordan River due to pollution, Colbert doesn't think a bit of "floating cholera" should "get in the way of salvation."
Sardonically taunting the regulators who want to prevent access to the sacred site, Colbert cleverly gibes, "Oh no, the Lord can't reveal himself as a burning bush, that might release too much CO2. God has to appear as a compact fluorescent bulb."
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