Anonymous notes, triple-strength hookups and a Varsity Blues bikini reference; let's jump right into Jersey Shore episode five.
Team M.V.P. (Mike, Vinny, Pauly) return home from a triumphant night of clubbing with two girls in tow. It looks like one of the boys will be the odd man out, until The Situation's two "backup girls" arrive. These are the women Mike invited over in case things didn't work out at the club. That Mike is always two steps ahead.
Now there are too many girls, so the fellas put the two pairs of ladies on different sides of the house, hoping neither group discovers each other.
The boys are well on their way to Scorseville, but there's still the matter of the overweight girl who Mike elegantly describes as a "hippo." Nobody wants to sleep with the hippo, but, luckily for our three protagonists, she gets tired and passes out. That allows the men to get down to "smooshing," unimpeded by any semi-aquatic mammals.
Things are not so blissful in the world of Angelina, who is still barely tolerated in the house. Her roommates ask that she help clean the dishes and she, not so politely, declines their request.
The Situation and Angelina get into a shouting match over the incident, and Mike blurts out, "please hit the treadmill!" Mike quickly revises his workout recommendation, and instead suggests Angelina "use the elliptical. It's better for you."
He's fine with exploiting a woman's weight insecurities, but The Situation couldn't sleep at night knowing he gave bad fitness advice.
Mike eventually apologizes to Angelina, and everyone seems to be getting along just fine, until Snooki and JWoww leave an anonymous note for Sammi. The note, primarily written by JWoww, details Ronnie's various infidelities which included making out and motorboating behind Sammi's back.
She confronts Ronnie about the allegations and he essentially denies everything, save for admitting he got a girl's number at a club. Sammi doesn't believe him and says, for the millionth time in this young season, "we're through." Those words have lost all meaning.
Ronnie decides the best way to cope with this schism is to immediately place a call to a former lover on the house phone. A sensible choice by anyone's standards. He tells the woman that, when she comes to visit, she should wear a "Varsity Blues outfit", a reference to a whipped cream bikini warn by Ali Larter's character. Oh, Ron. You're no James Van Der Beek. Though you could almost certainly pummel him.
Ronnie is also quite upset at whoever wrote the anonymous tell-all. He's narrowed down the suspects to Snooki and JWoww, but he later doubts Snooki composed it, because it uses the word, "wisely."
"I know she doesn't use that kind of vocabulary," Ronnie asserts. That's some good sleuthing, Ron.
We'll see if Snooki and JWoww's loose lips provoke any retaliation from Ronnie in the next episode of Jersey Shore, which airs next Thursday at 10 p.m.