To meet the increasing complaint that there are "no good men out there," President Obama is releasing 500,000 bachelors from the U.S. strategic bachelor reserve, The Onion News Network reports. This stimulus of single men is designed to meet the needs of "self-sufficient, professional women who are tired of playing games," of which today there are many. The reserve contains several high-caliber male specimens, including men who are "smart but don't spend all their time on the Internet," because we all know how irritating that can be.
Geraladine Costa of the Association Of Professional Women thinks the program is unnecessary and that we should be using the resources we already have. Can't we somehow turn the "assholes, slobs" and "men who need mothers, not girlfriends" who already crowd the dating scene into desirable husbands?
In the meantime, these 500,000 bachelors are being sent out all over the world. One method that seems to be quite effective involves strategically placing men on long flights next to unmarried women.