To Divorce Or Separate? Experts Weigh In

Story courtesy of YourTango

By Claire Daniel

The news that Courteney Cox and David Arquette were separating after 11 years of marriage sent ripples of distress throughout America's tabloid-reading community and beyond. Really? thought many, surprised by personal sadness over public figures' private lives. The dissolution of this marriage hit home for many Americans perhaps because, despite the celebrity characters, the story is infinitely relatable.

"A lot of people are going through stuff like that, and it just helps to kind of hear a celebrity that's experiencing the same kind of things," said Arquette, who has been doing his part to keep the public informed. (Going on Howard Stern to reveal his post-split tear-inducing bad sex while simultaneously admitting he's still "in love with my wife" is one way to go about it.)

And from Courteney we have the admission, "Sometimes you just realize, 'Wow, we actually have grown apart." Who hasn't experienced that feeling?

Despite their differences, Courteney says they're not getting divorced. "I don't know what will happen, but this is not like we're getting divorced. This is a separation and I think that takes a lot of courage . . . Whatever is supposed to happen will be the best thing for us."

Deciding To Separate

Sometimes having space "really is about finding out if the grass is greener," says YourTango expert Julie Spira. "Quite often it is not [greener]. Unless your spouse has done something illegal or immoral that you cannot forgive, separation is a way to figure out if the relationship is worth saving."

According to YourTango Expert Doris Helge, a trial separation is one way to say, "I'm willing to separate myself from my emotional pain long enough to take an objective look at our drama."

This might be the case for Courteney, who, despite a rumored romance with her Cougar Town co-star, has said, "I am not doing anything. No dating." Perhaps she is just allowing herself the psychological freedom to test out the waters: Could I love another man? Perhaps it's merely a wake up call for her hubby David to get his "kookiness" together.

Divorce Or Separation?

Some couples decide to separate, but never make the divorce final--a bad idea, according to YourTango Expert Marni Battista. "A new, independent life can seem easy and carefree at first, but this distraction can remove focus from doing the work that is necessary to come back to compatibility."

"In my experience as a clinical psychologist and couples counselor over the last twenty years, I have noticed that the majority of couples desiring a 'trial' separation are merely seeking out a less uncomfortable way to transition into divorce," says YourTango expert Dr. Adam Sheck.

This doesn't appear to be the case with Courteney and David--at least publicly. What we do know is that the couple has agreed to what Courteney has called "boundaries. . . established for each other during this separation."

The Separation Contract

Battista recommends that a separation have predetermined guidelines. "If a couple chooses to separate, they need to establish ground rules that should include discussing what kind of work each person will do individually while apart, what work the couple will do together, and whether or not they will continue to be monogamous," he says.

Dr. Sheck goes even further, recommending a "separation contract." As he explains, "The purpose of this not-legally-binding contract is to state specifically the intention for the separation (to create psychological space, to work on themselves personally, etc.), the specific boundaries to commit to (dating other people, sexual fidelity) and the specific time frame or re-evaluation period for the separation."

"If the goal of the separation is to improve the relationship, there needs to be a specific action plan with specific steps taken by each member of the couple. Otherwise, it is merely an easy way (for one partner at least) to create enough space to minimize the pain of divorce and dissolution of the relationship."

For Courteney and David there are other considerations besides themselves, namely their six-year-old daughter Coco.

"Another important thing to consider during the 'trial separation' is to carefully message this arrangement to the children involved," says Battista. When couples live apart, reconcile for a length of time, and then separate again it can be very confusing to the children. Working with a child development professional together as a couple can set the stage for how they will parent as divorced or separated parents."

A trial separation really will work, "if used to grow and gather insight that can allow both parties to take some space and reflect on whether or not they want to commit to being apart, or want to work to address the issues that made them want to separate" says YourTango expert Nicolle Zapien. So no matter what you decide, choose something. Married-but-separated couples remain stuck in relationship limbo, losing the chance to grow and love more deeply.

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Comments

[Musa1]

04:31 AM on 12/14/2010

Wow. An industry geared solely for divorce.

This really is a sign of the end of Western civilization.

[Shaun Hensley]

07:25 PM on 12/08/2010

I don't see anything wrong with being separated, if you aren't planning on dating or getting into a relationship. If neither side is pushing the issue, what's the harm?

[AndreaYourTango]

09:32 PM on 12/02/2010

great post - i am sharing with a friend going through a separation. my hope is that they'll do the separation contract as a means to get on the same page and commit to using the time to make it work.

[TomfooleryTM]

06:43 PM on 12/02/2010

I think so much of it depends on the individuals involved (duh, dummy). Some people, irrespective of how bad things go, will grow fonder in the absence while they reminisce about the good times. Other people will be so panic-stricken by the sudden loneliness and change of identity that they'll agree to unreasonable things and make promises they can't keep to get back to "normal." Some folks need to tear the old bandaid right off. That being said, getting divorced is a colossal pain in almost every sense of the word. If you can figure out a way to save your marriage and not jerk your kids around too much, you have to try. I think Texas makes it much cheaper to try a year of counseling and separation than to go balls deep into divorce. Great article.

[dmsdzinr]

08:38 AM on 12/02/2010

Once you reach Separation Status, the likelihood of a Divorce Increases Dramatically!

[DrErica]

09:14 PM on 12/01/2010

Not everyone's life fits into a neat package. There are many reasons to marry and there are many reasons for separation. Sometimes, when each partner is pursuing their life's work, it causes them to live apart. Sometimes there is friction that requires time and space to heal. Sometimes there is deep love but the need to rediscover one's own self, separately. Sometimes there are financial considerations. Sometimes there are concerns over childcare.
In my experience working with individuals and couples, married, single, separated and divorced,

I find that a huge problem in relationships is one partner not allowing the other person to feel free. Partners sometimes restrict who their partner may talk to, who their partner may respond to on Facebook or in email. Yes, sometimes these connections become problematic but sometimes they don't.

One of the reasons that we have such a high divorce rate is that people feel restricted, suppressed and not free within the confines of marriage. Separation, maintaining the daily or regular contact and feeling the love, can actually improve the good feelings in a relationship and bring the couple back together in a more loving and receptive and accepting state. With or without a contract, couples can resolve issues - and even if it takes months or years - they can return to their spouse with a sense of renewed commitment and deeper love.

[Endotoxin]

10:39 AM on 12/02/2010

Actually there should be only one reason you get Married: Because you love the person and will be there for them NO MATTER WHAT. Any other reason is insignificant because it will not keep you together. If you no longer love the person, fine. But getting married for the sake of the children and reasons other than what I stated is what leads to most divorces.

Here are examples of some of the stupidest reasons I have actually heard to tie the knot:

"I have to marry this man. I just love the scent and taste when I kiss him after he eats a chilli cheese Chulapa."

"He is the one for me, he actually knows how to cut the grass (no not that grass) so we will never have to hire a lawn mower!"

"We are getting married because we don't want our child to feel alienated at school and be called the child of somebody's baby mother."

"The Lifestyle that we want is not obtainable if we aren't together, so I know we'll be happier if we pool our resources into one union."

"That cleft chin was just so sexy. I couldn't resist!"

The reasons for men were actually more retarded. That being said, women who own dogs should know better than to get married for stupid reasons like that, unless of course they know that the dog they own acts just like her future husband, and are perfectly fine with that.

[Dr Adam Sheck]

07:47 PM on 12/01/2010

Thanks for including my comments about the "separation contract" in this post. After 20 years of working with couples in Los Angeles, I truly believe that it makes a huge difference in creating a "successful" separation.

[OtayPanky]

04:51 PM on 12/01/2010

YourTango Expert Lewis Black said that when his ex-wife suggested a separation, he replied that he'd rather poke himself in the eye with a pencil.

[calissta]

04:44 PM on 12/01/2010

i think the idea of a separation contract is smart