Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla: The New York Times 'Vows' Saga Recap

It was the New York Times 'Vows' column read 'round the world--the story about Carol Anne Riddell and John Partilla, the newlyweds who left their respective spouses to be with each other after they met at their kids' pre-kindergarden class.

The piece appeared in Sunday's paper, and by Monday, the blogosphere was awash in controversy, with many readers and Websites ripping into the pair.

Forbes' Jeff Bercovici went further, recounting the story behind the story, and tracking down Riddell, a former TV reporter, for comment:

"We did this because we just wanted one honest account of how this happened for our sakes and for our kids' sakes...We are really proud of our family and proud of the way we've handled this situation over the past year. There was nothing in the story we were ashamed of."

In a follow-up piece Tuesday, Riddell's ex-husband Bob Ennis called the piece a "choreographed, self-serving piece of revisionist history" and shot back:

"The primary story here is not that interesting. People lie and cheat and steal all the time. That's a fact of life. But rarely does a national news organization give them an unverified megaphone to whitewash it."

Today, more drama: John Partilla, an advertising executive, admitted to Page Six that he regrets participating in the feature: "I think if we had had an indication afterwards of the nerve it would have struck, we obviously would not have shared our life in any way publicly."

Comments

[miss em]

04:52 PM on 12/26/2010

I've been reading a lot of comments that basically amount to "Think of the children, won't someone please think of the children!" And, well, for once they're kind of right. My parents divorced over and affair on my Mom's part almost 15 years ago, I was 12. Yes, all three of their children knew something was wrong, but it had been wrong for a long time. I love both of my parents deeply, and can't imagine not having both of them in my life, and my Mom ended up marrying the man she had an affair with. Ten years later. In Vegas. And that's awesome, because both of my parents deserve happiness as human beings, BUT, they are also parents. They put their children before any mudslinging on their parts. That's why I simply do not understand this whole thing, they have created an animosity or even more animosity with their exes that simply didn't need to exist. Divorce is hard enough and raising kids is hard enough, why create another problem. To say you didn't know that this would create what it has is to be monumentally stupid.
"Hello salt, meet wound."

[LaFemmeSASE]

03:35 PM on 12/26/2010

So many people are upset that this couple shared their story. They have the right to share their story and they did. I have the right to call them narcissictic self-fish people with a desperate need to appear decent in the height of their classlessness. We all have rights, we just have to be responsible in exercising them and clearly they gave no thought to their children as they tried to glorify and whitewash their behaviour.

[dcb64]

12:22 PM on 12/26/2010

this statement:
John Partilla, an advertising executive, admitted to Page Six that he regrets participating in the feature: "I think if we had had an indication afterwards of the nerve it would have struck, we obviously would not have shared our life in any way publicly."

tells me they have a narcissistic personality disorder

[SLM2003]

04:43 PM on 12/23/2010

They have a right to tell their "story" and now the Exes have a right to correct it. That's what happens when you glorify selfish behavoir. Welcome to reality. And no your kids are not alright, so get over that too.

[MaryfromIL]

02:25 PM on 12/24/2010

agreed. It's takes years for the issues to show up. I did everything they say to do in a divorce to help the kids, but they still had issues, it's very hard on them.

But they are in much better shape than the kids whose parents went to war. Most of those kids I know have gone on drugs for awhile, and are frequently estranged from one parent. What happens when one parent fights every money request from the custodial parent, is the child feels it's about them. Those kids frequently never see the non-custodial parent after they are 18.

My ex-stepfather fought college costs in court for my half sister back in the day, and said horrible stuff. Then he threatened to put a hit on our mother if she didn't scale back the judgment 90%, and mom did that. My sis went to college on scholarships after that.

She didn't speak to him for 10 years, and their relationship was never close after that. His son with his next wife was a ner do well that was in prison, and my half sis was a highly respected professional. There is a cost to everything.

[jenkait]

11:19 PM on 02/01/2011

My parents had a horrible divorce, and I appreciate your comment.

I like to think I'm fairly normal, though I do read the HuffPost "divorce" section obsessively, even though I even hate the word...

Fanned and faved...

[Mikalee Byerman]

11:31 AM on 12/23/2010

Ultimately, they're absolutely entitled to tell their story in whatever venue avails itself to them...but then, by telling that story, they have to know that others have the opportunity -- and inherently the right -- to tell their version, react, respond, etc.

Her ex has responded, saying they are spouting revisionist history at its finest. NYT readership and the general public have overwhelmingly decried it as narcissistic, shallow and just plain wrong.

I can entirely relate to this situation: My ex and his new wife -- who both left their respective spouses for one another -- have been telling their revisionist perspective of reality for years. Because we have children, I have had to "accept" their actions/stories (but certainly not promote them) since this happened. Now, in an opportunity to find ultimate closure, to help others in similar circumstances and to develop my own voice, I have started a blog that deals with reinvention, post-divorce at www.mikaleebyerman.wordpress.com.

And guess what the ex and his new wife are doing? Suing me to stop the blog. Seems they don't like the fact that I'm not sitting back, staying quiet and accepting their version of reality...

"Exes" have every right to talk, to heal, to express themselves and to help others. I now find myself with a strong voice that I'm proud to use.

Carol Anne and John may need to accept that they created this situation and thus inspired their very own chorus -- of support or disapproval.

[Indie Mom]

11:56 AM on 12/23/2010

My soon-to-be ex and his lover have tried in vain to tell their story, too, under the whole 'just friends' routine. And, unfortunately, I didn't accept their story -- and the year long affair (she's my colleague) was discovered by my oldest son who kept it from me for months before I finally discovered on my own. And some of my colleagues suspected it, too, and told me so after I found out on my own.

Thank you for saying that we have the right to talk, to heal, and then to help others. I too am getting stronger and healthier every day.

[Mikalee Byerman]

12:36 PM on 12/23/2010

Best wishes to you in the healing -- I know how hard it is, how sick you must feel for your son, and how betrayed you must feel by all involved (the soon to be ex especially, but even a little by your colleagues).

I think society tries to tell us there is a right and a wrong way to heal ... just like we must always "forgive and forget." Healing is a very personal process, and you know what? Some things in life are simply unforgivable. Hurting children tops that list, but betraying a loved one is up there for me, too.

There is an old Irish proverb that reads, "A grudge is a beautiful thing." Interesting thought...

I am forever changed by this experience, but in the long-run, I know I'm better off for it. I'm stronger, I may eventually find the strength to invite someone into my life who truly cares for me the way I deserve, and I've opened myself up to many more possibilities. I wish the same for you!

[AZLibDem]

01:51 PM on 12/23/2010

"Ultimately­, they're absolutely entitled to tell their story in whatever venue avails itself to them...but then, by telling that story, they have to know that others have the opportunit­y -- and inherently the right -- to tell their version, react, respond, etc."

As the song says, "Don't ask me what I think of you; I might not give the answer that you want me to."

[Mikalee Byerman]

02:16 PM on 12/26/2010

That's SO true! :)

[MaryfromIL]

08:43 AM on 12/23/2010

This reminds me of couples I've seen hooking up at work. They are totally unaware that everyone knows what is going on, and frequently don't seem to care what they inflict on their respective spouses.

I've also seen twice supervisors going out with underlings, in these two cases it was the underlings pushing the agenda. It really felt unfair to the rest of the employees, as the underlings rose quickly compared to everyone else.

Another scenario is the girlfriend or boyfriend coming with on the others coattails to a new company, I've seen it a few times when I was working. My ex had someone show up at each company he went to, it eventually led to our divorce.

[stampy420]

08:41 AM on 12/23/2010

i almost always read the 'vows' column in the styles section on sunday. this piece was the most unusual i'd ever seen. i was surprised the couple would want that spotlight.

[DaveyNC]

09:15 AM on 12/23/2010

People who are that supremely self-absorbed cannot see themselves as others see them. We see a horrible story of two selfish people, they see a wonderful love story. Plus the chance to be in the news.

[FabulousAt52]

07:43 AM on 12/23/2010

Marriage vows are only "vows" because of religious demands and control.
Think about it... in a strictly practical sense. Marriages don't last because of a whole slew of reasons... and "vows" don't make it any more likely they will.

Taking a vow to be with someone "forever" is truly a fantasy. Basing your morality on such silly vows is even more nuts. I much rather my husband tell me it's over and move on openly, than cheat and lie behind my back and play me for a fool.

People grow, change, evolve and devolve as they age. Because some (most) people can't seem to choose a mate "for life" doesn't mean they are bad people, or untrustworthy people. It just means they are human, and can't live up to the fantasy of "The Vows".
In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, no matter how miserable you make me, or how miserable I make you, No matter that you change or I change, No matter that our love fades... we're in it together FOREVER. Stupid vows; unrealistic expectations.

Just my opinion. I've been married 35 years to the same man. Vows had nothing to do with it. It just IS what it is and we're still happy (and just very very lucky). I find it interesting that others seem to freely and negatively judge those who fail at The Fantasy Marriage...

[AZLibDem]

10:26 AM on 12/23/2010

I disagree. There were times in my marriage, that the promise, and the desire to keep our word, was all we had.

Because of that, we always made it through the rough times.

[FabulousAt52]

12:00 PM on 12/23/2010

I totally 'get' what you're saying. My marriage has had its ups and downs (real high ups and real low downs, too) just as any marriage.
BUT .. the "desire" to stick together, is not the same as the "vow" to stick together. If the desire isn't there, the vow is nothing more than empty words one is being forced to abide by.
If the desire is there, the vows are become unnecessary, and yet- that won't work in reverse... at least not truly work- from the heart.

[EGM80]

07:07 AM on 12/23/2010

Later, the couple joined LeAnne Rimes and Angelina Jolie for lunch, where they all exchanged ideas on how to make their partner's exes feel worse.

[pissdoffinohio]

07:46 AM on 12/23/2010

ri-hite. call it what it is, eh. fanned.

[Al Luck]

07:03 AM on 12/23/2010

No wonder the world hates us. We sensationalize the basest violations of our own culture.

[jlab]

08:07 AM on 12/23/2010

Don't worry, there are people making mistakes in other parts of the world, too. Not every problem happening in America is about how terrible America is.

Love,
The world.

[PowerPridePinstripes]

06:52 AM on 12/23/2010

Reallyl? I guess they just got all caught up in the overwhelming happiness they felt with finding each other despite how they found each other and therefore felt everyone in the world deserved to share in their happiness. *Sarcasm*.

[Luke McIntosh]

04:26 AM on 12/23/2010

IMHO:

Glorifying this is wrong. It's wrong for the kids, it's wrong for the ex-spouses, it's wrong for themselves.

Here's a fact. We are much too lax about marriage and divorce in this country. And we are much too lax about extra-martial affairs. If your marriage isn't going well, you don't just throw up the hands and say "Oh well, maybe next time!" That's the kind of thing that happens in the dating phase.

Let me just tell a truth here. Marriage is hard. It will never be easy. No matter who you are. The key to marriage is compassion, understanding, empathy, sympathy, and compromise. You cannot both have your way. If you cannot have those feels for your partner, if you can't be sympathetic when they have a bad day, or you can be understanding when they're upset by something you did, then you aren't prepared for marriage.

We must educate people about what marriage really is and what it really means instead of letting these fantasy and fairytale ideas keep propagating. It's only creating more divorces and more unhappiness.

[Hank007]

03:25 AM on 12/23/2010

I smell reality show!

[Congzilla]

06:25 AM on 12/23/2010

Sadly I think you are right.

[kevinbr38]

08:12 AM on 12/23/2010

f7f. i'd be lot without my remote. Zap...Next.

[ValdaDeDieu]

02:13 AM on 12/23/2010

So, they're respecting the institution of marriage, by dishonoring the vows of marriage they first took? Look, I'm the last person to say "Stay in a loveless marriage..." but divorce is not a convenience and a marriage is based on more than a "feeling of being in love."

Divorce is a wonderful equalizer. No one wants to go back to those times when a woman could not get a divorce from an abusive spouse, or if she did, her reputation was castigated. In instances of abuse-- mental/ emotional, or complete incompatibility of values/morals/vision, get a divorce.

But in a marriage where things are fine, except you "fell in love with someone else", your first loyalty is to YOUR spouse. The honorable thing to first speak to your spouse --not tell the other person and then go off to get rid of your spouse as soon as possible! See what you can do to save the relationship, get counseling and find what's missing. If that doesn't work, then, try something else, and something else...If the process brings you back to your spouse, fine. If it doesn't, THEN perhaps the marriage is irretrievably broken.

Anything else is a crock. A self-serving bag of bull. Because vows you make with someone new are worth as little as the ones you made with the person you left them for. When you made a decision to cheat, you became a cheater. And the person with you too.

[EGM80]

07:10 AM on 12/23/2010

There is a great line in Closer that I think captures your point:

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one.

Bingo. They could have resisted that feeling and made the choice to be true to the vows you made before family, the law, and if you're religious, God.

[ValdaDeDieu]

04:44 PM on 12/23/2010

Great line, EGM80! The Closer is one of the top three favorites at our house. We don't watch Network TV, but we Netflix entire seasons on downtime...(Instead of being distracted from important work, you feel rewarded for what you've already accomplished.) It's more fun that way!

[kevinbr38]

08:19 AM on 12/23/2010

A 'friend'of ours pulled the same stunt on his, now ex-wife. at a certain point he decided to come by and fess up to my partner and I. I told him pretty much the same thong that you have written here. truth hurts, we haven't seen him since. F&F....(love your moniker btw).

[ValdaDeDieu]

04:41 PM on 12/23/2010

Thanks, Kevin! Happy Holidays and all the best to you and your family for 2011 and beyond ...(Heaven deliver us from Palin).

[Anton Mercado]

01:39 AM on 12/23/2010

...and this, ladies and gentlemen, is the sanctity of "traditional marriage" that the conservatives are trying to protect.

[KAL-EL]

02:06 AM on 12/23/2010

Yes, hence the negative reaction to what these deep thinkers did.