11 Of The Stupidest Criminals Ever (PHOTOS)
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Crime doesn't pay -- but it can be absolutely hilarious. Getting away with the perfect crime might seem like an accomplishment, but more often than not, attempting to rob, assault or otherwise engage in felonious activity will put a stain on your rap sheet forever. But if you're really lucky, you'll botch the crime so badly that people everywhere will read about your attempt and think, "Wow, what a stupid criminal." Here are 11 of the most glorious criminal failures of the last few years. Vote for the stupidest!
Markedly Bad Disguise
What these two Tennessee <a href="http://www.tennesseecriminallawyerblog.com/2009/11/men_use_permanent_marker_to_create_burglary_disguise.html" target="_hplink">would-be robbers</a> taught us by trying to "disguise" themselves by covering their face in black magic marker is that there is never, ever a good reason to apply black anything to a white face.
<a href="http://www.irishcentral.com/news/news_from_ireland/Woman-in-sumo-wrestler-suit-assaults-ex-girlfriend-after-waving-at-man-dressed-as-Snickers-bar-97262439.html" target="_hplink">This headline. That's all</a>.
Amish Buggy Chase
In a scene that sounds like more like a Monty Python sketch than an actual news item, an Amish teen led a <a href="http://www.aolnews.com/2010/07/21/amish-teen-leads-police-on-horse-and-buggy-chase/" target="_hplink">low-speed police chase on his horse and buggy</a>.
Bad news: A Florida man was pulled over and arrested after the police searched his car and found marijuana and drug paraphernalia. Good news: In the process, the police found a bong that the man had been looking <i>everywhere</i> for -- <a href="http://www.aolnews.com/2010/10/20/arrested-man-thanks-police-for-finding-long-lost-bong/" target="_hplink">and thanked the cops for their help.</a>
If you're anything like a woman in Sweden arrested for drunk driving, you may think you can get out of the case by <a href="http://www.thelocal.se/15320/20081030/" target="_hplink">covering up one eye to avoid double vision</a>, as she claimed in court. Unfortunately, it won't work (neither the method nor the excuse).
Take Your Child To Jail Day
There's a reason that billboards don't say, "Drink. Drive. Go To Jail. Next time, get <a href="http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/buy-dad-brain" target="_hplink">your 10-year-old son to drive instead</a>." But one Tennessee man found out the hard way that it might not be a great idea after the car crashed (everyone is fine).
You gotta hand it to a Dallas man who tried to cash a f<a href="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/050108dnmetbillion.b623795f.html" target="_hplink">ake check for $360 billion</a>. Why not?
Drug Deal Cold Calls
When a 14-year-old Tampa Bay boy dialed the wrong number, he quickly apologized, then offered to sell the person on the other end of the line some drugs. Unfortunately for him, <a href="http://www.wtsp.com/news/local/story.aspx?storyid=56634" target="_hplink">that other person was a cop</a>. As Maeby Bluth might say, "That was a freebie."
Now That's Commitment To Porn
A Colorado man went to a video store and claimed that as a part of the <a href="http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/phony-porn-inspector-popped" target="_hplink">"age verification unit" of the local police department</a>, it was his duty to confiscate DVDs of pornography to ensure that all the actresses (and actors, presumably) were over 18. As foolproof as this plan was, he was arrested by the cops deployed from the Creepster Verification Unit. Apparently he had never even heard of the Internet.
But It Was Too Late
Since when was it a crime to try to resuscitate a long-dead armadillo on the road? Who knows, but a <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8591303.stm" target="_hplink">drunk Pittsburgh man who tried</a> was arrested anyway.
Worst Vacation Plans Ever
Here's a great way to get arrested: 1. Commit bank fraud; receive over $200,000 in credit. 2. Flee the country. 3. <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8306032.stm" target="_hplink">Brag about your new lifestyle on Facebook.</a> 5. Accept friend request from DOJ official. 6. If you've made it this far, you don't need our help.