01/10/2011 05:25 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Marlon Brando's Outrageous Excuse For Missing Charlie Sheen's Birthday Party

Maybe he was feverish, but Marlon Brando wrote an insane (and hilarious) letter to Charlie Sheen to apologize for missing his 1991 birthday party.

In a sloppily handwritten note, Brando offered illness as an excuse -- and made to sure to emphasize all the interesting medication he was taking.

Here's the first paragraph of the letter -- for the rest, click over to LettersOfNote.com:

Dear Charlie,

I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. I'm holed up in bed and taking everything from sled dog urine to powderde East Indian vulva -- maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same.

Maybe he should have kept that 'Godfather' cotton ball in his mouth.