Patti Stanger isn't exactly known for holding back. As founder and CEO of The Millionaire's Club--the matchmaking service that fixes up high-net-worth clients on dates chronicled on the hit Bravo show Millionaire Matchmaker--she regularly berates her (mostly male) roster of clients, demanding that they follow her strict instructions in order to find true love.
Turns out she's equally acerbic when it comes to celebrity splits. From Eva Longoria ("Karma's a bitch") to Sandra Bullock ("there's this wound") to Ryan Reynolds ("he looked sadder than life") to Kelsey Grammer ("he's a jumper") to Tiger Woods ("he will cheat no matter who he's with") and many other stars, she's got an opinion about everyone, plus regular folks who are looking to settle down again after divorce, which she shared earlier today on the phone from her Marina del Rey, California, office.
Below, some highlights:
On who she would set Eva Longoria up with:
Right now she's not in a place to be set up. Her body language is: she's angry. And there's no man who can fit into an angry woman's pocket. This is serious. She needs some counseling. I feel it's gonna be, like, six months to a year for her. And if she rebounds, it's gonna be to get even with Tony, and that's not what she wants. She wants love. The rumor on the street was she cheated on her first husband. Karma's a bitch. If you cheat, it will come back to you. If you treat women or men like shit, you will pay the price. The bill comes due.
On why Sandra Bullock is wounded:
We don't know what's going on with Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. They're not making out in public, ripping each other's clothes off. I've met Ryan in person [before his divorce]. He looked sadder than life. I was with my friend Jenny McCarthy, and I said, 'you know, I feel like they're getting a divorce. Look at his body language. He's miserable!' And when I offered to fix Sandra [Bullock] up, she said, 'I'm scared. I don't wanna be fixed up till I'm sixty.' There's this wound. So let them be friends. Let them find solace in each other and leave them alone. And if it turns into something romantic, so be it. Look at Shania Twain! I mean, come on--that was the ultimate revenge. And he's freakin' hot! [Shania's first husband] Mutt [Lange] is not hot at all. I'm like, 'good for you chickadee!' I really wish that Angelina [Jolie] had had a husband who Jennifer could steal, so everybody would have won.
On why Courteney Cox should think of her marriage as a business deal:
This is a very unusual situation ... I think he knows he made a mistake. He's getting help in rehab. But [Cougar Town co-star Brian Van Holt] is hot, and there's no reason why she should say, 'you know what? Lemme check both of them out. Lemme see who gives me the best offer. I'm the wounded party here.' I think a lot of times when you decide in therapy to have an open marriage because the sex is boring--which is the rumor on the street with them--you're gonna pay the price in the end, and someone's gonna get hurt, even if they agreed to have an open marriage. It's not always the healthiest thing to do. I love Courteney. If I was in a situation where it wasn't working and I had a choice with another man, I'm gonna assess it like a business deal: who is the better person for me?
On serial re-marriers like Kelsey Grammer:
Kelsey is a fall-in-love guy--he sees it, it's like 'you're the prototype of what I'm looking for, and that's what I want. He wanted a little innocent chickadee--an airline stewardess. Camille's like, a handful. I know a lot of people who know her, and she's a little nutty. He wanted something simple and sweet that he could just ex-communicate. But you gotta remember something: he left his first wife for Camille, so he's a jumper. That's how he plays the game. Ex-alcoholic, ex-drug-addict--it's textbook! He lives for the high. How long this girl will last, who knows? But rebound marrying isn't always bad: Look at Tori and Dean. Soul mates can happen when you're with somebody else. Every situation is different. There is not a one-size-fits-all for this.
On why widows like Liam Neeson have it tough:
Having to come from divorce where you've been cheated on is so emotionally disturbing to the psyche and to a woman's sexuality that it's a really rough place to overcome. When a man gets cheated on, I'm like, 'meh, he'll find somebody else.' When a woman gets cheated on, that's a deep wound. I think when a man is widowed, like Liam Neeson, I think that has more of an effect--you had a great love and the universe took her.
On why Tiger Woods will never stop cheating:
The cheating is just a by-product of what's really going on in the relationship. There's always a why. And it's not always one-sided. You have to really find out what was going on for years to make the person cheat. Now I'm not saying there are not serial cheaters. In Tiger [Woods]'s case, he's a cheater. He will cheat no matter who he's with. Same with Jesse [James].
On why Anne Heche's marriage to Coley Laffoon may have failed:
If you want a feminine-energy man, you could do the Anne Heche thing, but then what happens? Coley Laffoon, sits on his ass, eats his bon bons, watches porn and forgets your child, and then you gotta pay him out? Is that what you want? You want a man, you gotta let a man be a man. The minute you snip his balls off, he becomes a woman. He might as well have a vagina.
On why Jennifer Aniston has it rough:
I feel like Jennifer Aniston's gonna have the hardest time of all because Brad Pitt is so high on the list that it's really hard to meet the bar there. I feel bad for her. She just said recently, 'I'd give up my career for love,' and I'm in the same place as her and I agree with it.
On why divorcées have the upper hand when it comes to dating:
If you have been divorced once--male or female, but especially for females--and you're over 40 you're actually a commodity. It means you were able to commit once, and you'll do it again. Divorced women are a little more wiser, they can assess a situation faster, and their cooch does not rule their brain.
On what men want after divorce vs. what women want:
A woman who had lack of passion in her marriage is eager to get her wheels greased. She's ready to get out there and get laid. A man is always eager to get out there and get laid. The only difference is that he's gonna take his time to get out there and find the right one. He's not just trying to screw anything that moves. He wants to find the soul mate. And he's willing to take his time to do it. When a woman has had a divorce, I find they don't wanna get married so quickly. They wanna go right for the hot hunk.
On why women should get Botox and men should get hair plugs if they want to attract new mates after divorce:
Hit the gym. I lost 25 pounds on Sensa [an appetite suppressant]. And I had to. I had to find a diet that would kick me back into dating shape. Because I know that I can't date at size 8. I have to date at size 2. And it's just a fact of nature. Go get your injections and your chemical peels. You gotta look good to attract a man. The penis does the picking. It's like brushing your teeth. You gotta look good and keep it up. I'm just the messenger! What am I supposed to say--that the world is not a visually-driven place? That men need to be physically-attracted in order to take you off the market? Did I create the prototype for mankind? No! I'm not God. I have to give the message. In order to get the one you want, you've gotta become the one he wants you to become, with a slight degree of margin. You're not gonna change your personality or your attributes. You're just gonna be the best you can be physically. And then you'll decide if he's a good catch or not once you get in the door. But you have to get in the door first. As for the men, I say, 'if you want hot girls, you have to get some plugs, or lose 20 pounds, and dress well.' You can't look bad and expect to get friggin' Eva Longoria! You have to look the part, too.
Want to see Patti in action? Check out the Finale of Season 4 of Millionaire Matchmaker, which airs tonight at 9/8 c on Bravo.