Forgiveness Study: Pardoning Your Spouse Reinforces Bad Behavior

Forgiving your spouse may reinforce his or her bad behavior, new research suggests.

As New York Magazine reports, psychologist James K. McNulty recruited 135 newlywed couples and asked each participant to keep track of his or her spouse's transgressions over the course of a week. Each day, participants recorded whether their partners had engaged in negative behavior and, if so, whether they had forgiven the infraction. Negative behavior included everything from moodiness to -- shockingly -- sexual coercion, Jezebel points out.

McNulty's study, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that participants who pardoned their spouses' misdeeds were twice as likely to see repeated misbehavior than those who took their spouses to task. Moreover, those who forgave inconsistently -- calling their mates out in some instances, keeping mum in others -- were a whopping six times more likely to see repeat spousal offenses.

"It may simply be that negatively behaving partners realize that their negative behaviors have negative implications for them -- anger, loneliness -- and thus engage in them less frequently," McNulty told New York Magazine.

McNulty acknowledges some flaws in the study: The definition of "forgiveness" was left up to the individual participants -- it could mean anything from a stony silence to an open declaration -- and the study did not examine how effectively forgiveness was expressed between spouses. Did misbehaving mates even know when they were forgiven? "This warrants further study," he told New York Magazine.

In the meantime, perhaps we should give some thought to amending the old adage: "To err is human, to forgive unwise" -- at least when it comes to our partners.

Comments

[Box500]

11:48 AM on 02/01/2011

Oh...and ladies if your husband is on his cell during the wedding day, there is no hope for your marriage.

[Box500]

11:47 AM on 02/01/2011

Yeah people. Don't "forgive." Just nag your spouse until they can't take it anymore. Keep em on a tight leash. That works.

[hometownblues]

11:16 PM on 01/31/2011

My husband has anxiety and does things that makes zero sense to me. I've spent a lot of time in my life making excuses for him to my family. My mother is the exact opposite of my husband, personality-wise, and will never, never understand him (and probably doesn't want to). She criticizes him and scoffs when his actions don't align with her viewpoint. She told me she can't understand what I see in him and that he would be a terrible father (while I was pregnant). I married him knowing that he had anxiety and a weird family history, I accepted that. I'm not happy about it but that's part of who he is and I'm not about to point out all his foibles and make him more insecure about his anxiety. Some things are over the line and those do need to be addressed before they create a problem, but making a tally of all their "transgressions" is condescending and cruel. Unless you want them to do the same thing to you.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

[OutAtFirst]

02:15 PM on 01/31/2011

Is it okay to forgive your spouse when they point out your shortcomings, or should you keep the circle unbroken?

[Peace Walker]

02:54 PM on 01/29/2011

I think you are confusing "forgive" with "overlook".

[roshni]

07:39 PM on 01/30/2011

I call it enabling.

[JoliAvocat]

05:33 AM on 01/29/2011

Don't just overlook stuff that makes you mad. Address it. Otherwise, it festers and becomes a castastrophic event ending in a split.

That said, don't ding your spouse for every little thing and keep track of their transgressions. That's really detrimental. Nobody wants a monitor on their behavior. Forgiveness in marriage is essential.

[AnastaciaBrice]

11:22 PM on 01/28/2011

I started reading this feeling very open to learning something. The frown on my face started when I got here: "...asked each participant to keep track of his or her spouse's transgressions over the course of a week."

Transgressions? Seriously? I don't ever think of what D does as "transgressions." I'm not his judge. But more, even if I went looking for such things, I don't know that every week would have anything on said list.

Maybe I'm more accepting than the people who participated in the study, but for me, even after 23 years together, I want him fully human and real--100% *him*....not perfect according to my ideal of him.

I love him. There's nothing to forgive.

[saskatoonie]

03:25 AM on 01/29/2011

Until I'm perfect I can't point my finger at my husband.......plus it's not a healthy thing to do to keep score!

[human2008]

04:13 PM on 01/31/2011

You love him and hence nothing to forgive - awesome! Fanned!

Unfortunately, most relationships are without love - so this type of behavioral studies are conducted to find out the loveless relationships. There is no forgive/forget solutions when love is missing.

[lauracarroll]

08:37 PM on 01/28/2011

Your article brings to mind a strategy to get less negative behavior with partners--in addition to talking to them about it, and be consistent about this, reinforcing the behavior you Do want can go a long way..."punishing" (and not forgiving can be a form of this) is not as effective as rewarding the behavior you want. After over 20 years of marriage I can attest to it--both ways, that is!
~Laura
La Vie Childfree
http://lauracarroll.com

[katiek2o]

12:45 PM on 01/28/2011

true..it just depends on the person your dealing with and what kind of good judgment you have..people are going to make mistakes/ sometimes just throwing something away and buying a new one doesn't work as well.. i say if you buy the right thing/ pick the right spouse for you/ worrying yourself sick on whether youre being ripped off or not wont be an issue; forgiveness is a given if its good love..

[Arithrianos]

12:04 PM on 01/28/2011

if one has an unskillful form of forgiveness then i agree it is unwise to forgive, but real forgiveness has nothing to do with whether you give negative feedback. if you don't geive your mate feedback then of course they are going to repeat, why would they not. forgivness has to do with abandoning RESENTMENT, not being a cowardly enabling doormat, that is not at all forgiveness because it is not based upon compassion for oneself, if you really love yourself you will let your mate know your view, but not to carry the energy of resentment.

[gcarl]

02:02 PM on 01/28/2011

Arithrianos, forgiveness is in the category of 'forgive them for they know not what they do.' most folks are puppets, automatons, so no use to get excited when they 'hurt' us. Need only to look at our own reactions. I read a good article the other day that we should hold people accountable for what they do, but everybody wants to be forgiven for their good intentions, nope.

Google doesn't translate from Tibetan, dzogchempe. they do reference dzogchen as 'great completeness' and give a rinpoche. I don't think you mean dog-chimp :) Perhaps you are a mental healer? Why not get a copy of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and a throat singer record with bells and do a short version of it, out loud or mentally. Perhaps that person that sometimes shouts over your shoulder needs forgiveness and to be told to go towards the light. I don't think you need to be a 'follower' any longer, but if you are looking for something new, try The Tibetan, Dwaj Kool, who dictated the 17 volumes to Alice Bailey. He is dead these many years, but can be contacted and even visits; he has a slim face. You can do it!

[Arithrianos]

02:57 PM on 01/28/2011

as for Dzogchen, it is not easily translated, it can be called the Great Perfection or Supercompleteness, i am not a scholar by any means, but it is said to be the highest yoga in the nyingma lineage of tibetan buddhism, and is also said to be a preexisting lineage from before buddhism even got to tibet. i don't know, like always, i just know what was pointed out to me by tulku anam thupten r. and dzogchen ponlop r. in my own mindstream, as well as of course the practice of cultivating that space/peace/bliss/freedom. i am not really a follower anymore even if i should, there is a weariness there that i have taken as an indication my work is in the "real world" read the world of suffering and this is my sole practice now, to bear witness and redirect what ignorace come into my "circle of power", but not to have any formal practice or dogma, of course this drives some part of me nuts, it thinks i am abandoning path, but i don't think so, but there is that argument. as for foriving shouter, of course, resentment only leads to more ignorance and suffering, what you attatch to you attract more of, so forgiveness is the best weapon. good intentions are nice but not sufficient, adolf hitler had good intentions, at least to him, but... dwaj kool sounds interesting, in spite of his handicap ;) i will check him out.

[pennywhite]

11:44 AM on 01/28/2011

I think this article confuses setting boundaries with "not forgiving."
It's always good to set boundaries with those we love, and it is every bit as important to forgive them.

[Silence Dogoody]

06:22 PM on 01/27/2011

Christ and his atonement permits forgiveness and repentance. He allows all who truly seek to amend the wrong and repent (ie commit to not do it again) to be forgiven. Those that would follow him are asked to be like him and do the same.

[Box500]

11:46 AM on 02/01/2011

Except many self-identified christians are hateful, spiteful, racist war-mongers. Other than that, maybe.

[husbusfun]

04:43 PM on 01/27/2011

Seriously? Is the author suggesting one never forgives? No one wants to live that way. Every person does things that are annoying, including yourself. However, even more annoying is someone telling you about all the little things you didn't do right. Remove the plank from your own eye first. As MexiChick67 says, pick your battles.

[MexiChick67]

04:22 PM on 01/27/2011

I've been married 15 years so I have some experience. You can't knit pick all the time. Your partner / spouse will feel brow beaten. There are times that you just have to let it go and move on. Pick your battles. There are things that annoy me about my husband, but unless they affect the well being of our household, relationship, family or safety I let it go.

[WriterGirl]

11:28 PM on 01/27/2011

Totally agree about picking your battles... if the annoying behavior doesn't cause problems with our finances, meeting the needs of our daughter, or general safety, I'll leave the room and turn my attention to something more productive. I'm not choosing to forgive, I'm choosing to stay married.

[JoliAvocat]

05:36 AM on 01/29/2011

Excellent advice.