2012: Enter The Speculatron

"It's a circus. You guys are part of the circus...This is stuff they talk about. They'll talk about somebody else next week. I'm here to be a United States senator from Florida and the best senator I can. I mean that. That's what I ran for and that's what I want to be."

A few hours into his very first term as a U.S. senator, Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) had the occasion -- nay, the pressing need -- to say those words to a clutch of Capitol Hill reporters who were bothering him about whether or not he was going to run for President in 2012. I felt for Rubio: Reporters like the ones he was dealing with are stupid and insane people. Like magpies, their brains are the size of a cashew and they are attracted to shiny objects.

And Rubio is right about the whole thing being a circus. Or a carnival. Or a freakshow, at least. Candidates fill the tent, each with roles to play. The most dextrous ascend the heights. The clumsy ones fall into the nets. Over on the side, you'll catch the one or two who are here to just bite the head off a chicken. The midway fills with the clowns and mystics of the media, there to amuse and/or befuddle us. The air smells vaguely of cotton candy and animal fur and shame -- always the shame.

It's a rampaging mess of sight-gags, flubs, and speculative nonsense. But we're here to try to help sort it all out, by helping you, at the very least, keep all of the characters straight. Today, we'll introduce you to them, and every week, we'll briefly run down everything you really, honestly need to know about what's going on in their lives. Because while it is fun to watch all these various wannabes gambol across the political stage, it's no fun being told that you have to take them all equally seriously.

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Haley Barbour

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Barbour, the current governor of Mississippi and chair of the Republican Governors' Association, is widely believed to be mulling a run for the White House. He's giving us mixing messages: He's told reporters, for instance, that he won't be making any big decisions until the spring of 2011. On the other hand, one of his advisers recently told CNN: "He's running until he says he's not." It's all so very post-modern! In the meantime, he's paving his way. You'd think that his long career as a lobbyist wheeler-dealer might work against him in this age of anger toward special interests and sub-rosa government grift, but Barbour doesn't see it that way: "The first thing a president's going to have to do when he takes his hand off the Bible is start lobbying...He's going to need to lobby Congress. He's going to need to lobby the bureaucracy. He's going to need to lobby the governors. He's going to need to lobby our allies and our international competitors." For starters, he is going to lobby Israel, to support his candidacy. It's also fun to note that Barbour doesn't remember the Civil Rights era being all "that bad." Hey, you know, he probably remembers it very differently from most people! Barbour typically polls in the single digits in available 2012 GOP nomination polls. Intrade currently gives Barbour a 4% chance of winning the nomination.

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Barbour, the current governor of Mississippi and chair of the Republican Governors' Association, is widely believed to be mulling a run for the White House. He's giving us mixing messages: He's told reporters, for instance, that he won't be making any big decisions until the spring of 2011. On the other hand, one of his advisers recently told CNN: "He's running until he says he's not." It's all so very post-modern!

In the meantime, he's paving his way. You'd think that his long career as a lobbyist wheeler-dealer might work against him in this age of anger toward special interests and sub-rosa government grift, but Barbour doesn't see it that way: "The first thing a president's going to have to do when he takes his hand off the Bible is start lobbying...He's going to need to lobby Congress. He's going to need to lobby the bureaucracy. He's going to need to lobby the governors. He's going to need to lobby our allies and our international competitors." For starters, he is going to lobby Israel, to support his candidacy.

It's also fun to note that Barbour doesn't remember the Civil Rights era being all "that bad." Hey, you know, he probably remembers it very differently from most people!

Barbour typically polls in the single digits in available 2012 GOP nomination polls. Intrade currently gives Barbour a 4% chance of winning the nomination.

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Comments

[AggieReal]

09:05 PM on 02/16/2011

There's still so much clean up to do and unfinished biz..why would we want to change Presidents in 2012 ? If its not to pursue a social agenda or stack the Supreme court with more corporate conservatives, I can't really see the point.

[hatchetfac]

03:02 PM on 02/12/2011

No question about it, there is, in my mind, no viable GOP candidate at this time. At least none that I would vote for, but many I would vote against. I KNOW there is one out there somewhere. . .he/she has just not surfaced yet. But time is running out. . .not good.

[ainsleyburrows]

11:13 AM on 02/10/2011

One , thune is not hansome...sorry...we must be looking at the wrong guy....Half these guys can's win anything...why...they are all awfully ugly...it is hard to sell a ugly car...John Mccain was an antique...different rules apply.

[MaToLa]

04:47 AM on 02/10/2011

DNC
Pres. Obama
Sec of State Clinton

RNC
Governor Romney
Congressman Pence

Tea Party
Senator Santorum
Congresswoman Bachmann

DNC wins election with 40 percent of the vote.

[Cashman7323]

07:05 AM on 02/10/2011

You're assuming Obama doesn't screw the pooch so badly in Egypt and doesn't continue to devistate the US job market with such consistency that Hillary doesn't knock him off in the primary.

[MarkCM07]

11:53 PM on 02/09/2011

I picked Romney, Thune, Huckabee, Daniels, and Palin.
I picked Romney, Thune, Huckabee, and Daniels because I figure they would probably be the "best" candidates that the GOP could nominate. Palin I put in there because she's the dream candidate and guarantees the President's re-election.

[Ricardo01]

09:22 PM on 02/09/2011

No three rings, no tigers, no Wallendas, it is only a clown circus.

[Wallysmom]

09:12 PM on 02/09/2011

There was a poll done that asked Republicans if they would choose a nominee based on 2 things
To Beat Obama
Shares my Beliefs and Principals
I believe that the majority of Republicans chose the former. They are willing to put up a candidate they believe will knock the socks off of Obama and willing to compromise on their "values" to get there. Sounds like selling out to get revenge to me. So much for the flag pumping, heart-thumping, God-lovin', teabaggery that they blew in our face in 2010.

[Ernst Angst]

09:26 PM on 02/09/2011

They'd vote for a Paper Hanger from Austria if there was an "R" after his name.

[Cashman7323]

07:03 AM on 02/10/2011

Ironic comment - from a party that elected a community organizer only because he was black.

[plaidsportcoat]

07:11 PM on 02/09/2011

Speculatron? I looked at my cervix with one of those.

[Wallysmom]

09:06 PM on 02/09/2011

You must be VERY limber....

[cgcat93]

06:26 PM on 02/09/2011

Unfortunately, a second term for Obama seems like our best bet. I really wish Bernie Sanders would run.

[Tom Strait]

06:08 PM on 02/09/2011

Democratic: President: Barack Obama
Vice-President: Hilary Clinton

Republican: President: Jeb Bush
Vice President: John Thune

Third/Tea Party: President: Sarah Palin
Vice-President: Rick Scott

[denise4925]

05:59 PM on 02/09/2011

Did it actually take two people to write this article?

[ohiodem250]

05:11 PM on 02/09/2011

I still don't get John Thune. Handsome?! In what world?

[graceland9]

05:17 PM on 02/09/2011

The Romulan Empire

other than that, not so much.

[forestnfama]

04:52 PM on 02/09/2011

A socialfrigginphenomenon.