In Relationships, Silence Isn't Golden

Does not rocking the boat guarantee smooth sailing?

Not necessarily, at least when it comes to love. A new study has offered evidence that keeping your thoughts and feelings from your significant other may actually be detrimental to your relationship -- and your health.

So should you always speak up, or are there some cases when it's still best to keep things to yourself?

To answer that question, the Feb. 19 "Early Show" invited relationship experts Cooper Lawrence and Heide Banks and sex therapist Ian Kerner to debate the best ways to handle conflict in a relationship.

The experts agreed that self-silencing is never a good approach. Kerner said, "If you self-silence, you're kind of taking a cowardly approach, because you're not communicating."

Lawrence pointed out that the biggest self-silencers are women. "We like to keep the peace," she said. "We like to make sure everybody's happy. That's our role." She warned that this could ultimately lead to chronic heart conditions and premature death, as the study suggested.

Banks asserted that some forms of communication may actually be just as detrimental as self-silencing, however. She specifically urged against "dumping," or overloading your significant other with negative, critical statements.

"Instead of saying, 'Honey, I hate when you leave that medicine cabinet open, because when I go in there, I hit my head,'" Banks said, "They're like, 'You always do this!' And that's as detrimental to your health and relationship."

Nevertheless, the experts all agreed that developing tactful communication skills that are respectful of both your partner and yourself is preferable to keeping things to yourself.

"The worst thing you can do, whether you're a man or a woman, is to self-silence," said Kerner.

WATCH:

Comments

[Clare53]

03:37 PM on 02/22/2011

"Self-silence?" Oh lord, what is happening to our language.

[feyangel]

06:21 AM on 03/12/2011

This is simply psychological "jargon"/terminology that has been a round for a while. I wrote a paper on it years ago when I was getting my Master's Degree. It is actually a pretty accurate term for the pattern of non-communication they are describing.

[Heide Banks]

12:48 PM on 04/19/2011

love to read you paper. I think this goes a bit deeper. The medical community is now acknowledging that women who do this do it as a risk to their health.

[OtayPanky]

02:36 AM on 02/20/2011

There is a current commercial on TV that illustrates the value of self-silence using the example of "Honest Abe" and is wife, when she asks him whether her new dress makes her butt look big.