Charlie Sheen's Rant: Talks Addiction To Winning, Sex Goddesses, Poetry In His Fingertips

Charlie Sheen has a few things to say. A few special, gnarlington things to say.

The hard-partying actor phoned into Alex Jones's radio show on Thursday and unleashed a fury of rhetorical bullets from another dimension on the media, his co-workers, critics, Alcoholics Anonymous and pretty much anyone that doesn't spend time doing cocaine and/or having sex with him.

First of all, know that he's pure awesome, all the time. And he's glad friend Lenny "Nails" Dykstra told the world.

"I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I'm bayonets. I'm battle tested bayonets... I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and I'm not just perfect and bi**hing and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn. Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee ... they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

He opens up about the women he's been living with -- his so called "porn family."

"Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers."

Then, talk about his ex-wife Brooke Mueller and the vacation he was taking with her and two other women:

"And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew... Where there were four, there are now three. Good-bye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you're going to need it. Badly ... She's not there now and we are and I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn't make the rules. Oops."

On his recovery -- which he is entirely responsible for himself:

"I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself... It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math ... another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done ... you don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!"

On not being pushed around anymore:

"I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time -- and this includes naps -- I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground."

And his lovely take on the hard working media, who Alex Jones says alleged that both he and Sheen worked for the Vatican as assassins:

"Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes."

Don't worry, there's much more. Including his "Giving Tree" and Beachhead death card mashup tattoo, his new "Major League" movie, trashing of the executive producer of "Two and a Half Men," his secret and silent soldiers, loving and hating with violence and much, much more. Click over to TMZ to listen.

Comments

[freddsky]

09:38 AM on 03/28/2011

I caught a brief blurb of him reciting his poetry while I was channeling surfing and immediately flashed back to college days, when a troubled roommate would utter similar cries for help. This is the last stage before the contractor tools come out and a retaining wall goes down. Time for rehab!

[ThinkAboutItAgain]

10:46 AM on 03/03/2011

The REAL story here, is there are too many people in our great country

that have relegated (definition: consigned to an inferior position, place, or

condition) themselves to living a life invested only in their wants, wishes,

and momentary joy. When people start accepting reality, instead of trying

to avoid it by using drugs or alcohol, maybe we can get back on track to

thinking about, planning for, and executing the steps necessary to

making this country great again. Laws won't change drug use, but the

majority of Americans don't want to be surrounded by non-thinking,

self-absorbed nitwits. My suggestion is start with a mandatory $5,000.00

fine and one year's probation for possession of any illegal substance or

paraphernalia. A healthy public shunning of drug users is what's needed,

as well. What are YOU prepared to do, to help me move our country in the

right direction again?

[Jim Shaffer]

06:30 PM on 03/02/2011

This is sad. It sounds like he's losing contact with reality. They took his kids away and he's cracking under the strain. Fame and fortune have denied this man the most basic of human needs and now he rants a desperate defense of those things that seperate him from real love, family, and friends. Kinda makes me think of Pink Floyd's 'the Wall'.
If I we're him I'd find a trustworthy writer and do an honest biography, a sure-fire best seller, and the opportunity to take a sober look at the sum of my exsistence and decide what to do with what's left. As it is, it looks like a train wreck in slow motion.

[Kagey Good]

04:01 PM on 03/02/2011

I think his "gig" is getting old..we've heard it, we are reviled or riveted by it...but it's getting old. When we are done listening..he's done. I feel bad for the kids and ex-wives..the "Goddesses" who will be tossed to the curb as soon as he gets bored.......It all goes away. Goodbye Charlie

[bklynstar555]

01:57 PM on 03/02/2011

This guy is THE BEST! Pure genius, manic, drug-addled, or not!

[shockvolt1]

10:24 AM on 03/02/2011

Charlie is a guy with a large ego and a chip on his shoulder. Nothing more. Anti-semite? Give me a break. Let's be sure to not reference anything 'Jewish' !!!! I'm reading the highlights from the 'rant' and some of it is quotes from his movies, others are taken out of context. Listen to the WHOLE ENTIRE INTERVIEW and then decide. Note to Chuck Lorre - Are you not proud of your heritage? Why change the name? I think that is what 'CS' was pointing out. Pride. People with large egos have a lot of pride.

[RZoroaster]

02:53 PM on 03/01/2011

While everyone is laughing about this someone should probably ask if he is sleeping because it really sounds like he's in the middle of a manic episode. Which wouldn't be unexpected if he recently came off a serious drug addiction. Of course manic episodes don't end well and it probably won't be quite as amusing when he becomes psychotic or severely depressed in a week or two.

[Rocktopus]

02:36 PM on 03/01/2011

Whatever. Dude's enjoying his life. He's right. Sad people with bags of Cheetos are judging him and he's enjoying himself. Right on, Chuck.

[Amritpal Sidhu]

12:53 PM on 03/01/2011

he is fantastic...quite frank..I cant understand why so many people are mad him?Pure Jealousy?

[kinogod]

11:56 AM on 03/01/2011

Charlie may need help but his rants are better writing than chuck lorre's.

[Samiiam]

12:29 AM on 03/01/2011

Lot of military jargon, need much Viagra.

[Eddy123]

04:47 PM on 02/28/2011

wow another AA story, best to keep charlie at home

they lived in fear
http://www2.hernandotoday.com/content/2011/feb/26/HANEWSO1-they-lived-in-fear/

quote:
Greif received the news that her mother, Kathryn Donovan, was dead. Donovan's employee, Deborah Buckley Tillotson, also was killed
The man accused in the shootings was John Kalisz. Greif knew him as "Uncle Shorty."

"Kalisz was active in Alcoholics Anonymous. He helped lead a lot of people along a path of sobriety, they said.

"It was all an act," said Greif of her uncle's life in AA. She thinks he used it as was a way for him to get closer to young women.

"AA is full of cons and full of predators," she said. "He is a predator."

[tinaterrific]

02:56 PM on 02/28/2011

it sounds like he joined up with Scientology.

[sassiestkat]

12:35 PM on 02/28/2011

I first caught wind of this story on a site I am rather loathe to read (CNN) and at first, thought, 'when am I getting to the punch line?' My jaw was just on the floor before I even read half of the article. I am used to Sheen being unique, even him being cocky, but from my 'Lucy, The Dr. Is In Now' arm chair assessment, I say he's in a full-blown manic episode, Charlie Brown. His whole 'healed with his mind' is more out there than Tom Cruise and his take on mental illness & medications for it. This is shocking and sad.

For my last quarter of a cent, I don't believe the drug test results ABC allegedly did, though, in all fairness, I'd raise an eyebrow no matter what the results came back as.

Anyone else find his whole 'family' idea/concept a little Charles Manson-ish? However consenting adults want to live is fine but that's just my first thought.

[JEMJAM1]

10:38 AM on 02/28/2011

I don't buy it when he says he's clean or that he's in recovery. Not if he's doing it at home. It's something in the way he's talking that says it's all BS. Maybe it's because my mother's brother was a big meth head and every time he would come around to pick up his disability check I would see him and a few of those times he was high. He was living with us for a short period of time when my baby sister was in elementary and would smoke that crap out on our patio. If only I had known then what it was he was doing I could have gotten him thrown out sooner. Him and Charlie talk just alike though and seem to have a explosive temper. He needs help, seriously.