"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say, "Because it's such a beautiful animal." Well, there you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." -Ellen DeGeneres
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, by the process of elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." -George Carlin
"A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice." -Bill Cosby
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." -Elayne Boosler
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five." -Steven Wright
"New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved." -Johnny Carson
"I've had a wonderful evening but this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
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