My Picky Eater Won't Try Other Foods

Dear Susan,

My 6-year-old son is an extremely picky eater. He throws fits when I try to get him to taste new foods. His automatic answer is no -- he doesn't even think about it first. I live in another state and am not able to see him as much as I'd like. His mom is a picky eater too and is starting to have health problems because of it. She doesn't push different foods with him. How do I get my son to try new foods and not end up like his mother?

Signed,
Frustrated Dad

Dear Dad,

There are only two areas where a child has the final say: eating and pooping. You cannot force a child to do either, and if you try, you're likely to set yourself up for power struggles.

I agree that it's important for kids to try new foods, and expand their culinary options. But if your son is a picky eater, it's important to avoid turning meal time into a battle zone. Here's my advice:

• Let go of trying to control what his mother does. When you find yourself struggling with righteous indignation towards her, remember that the focus needs to be on what is best for him. If you can remember happier times when you were raising him together happily, keep that image in mind. Children are always harmed when parents are in conflict, no matter how justified it may seem. While I can imagine it's terribly frustrating to not have as much contact with your little boy as you would like, focus on building a strong connection with him when he is with you. If he gradually expands his gustatory horizons with you and continues to be a "mono-eater" with his mom (eating only a few things), find a way to be okay with that. The more you try to make his mom go along with your agenda--even if it's in your son's best interest--the more likely she'll resist it. Nobody likes to be told what to do; especially former spouses.
• Don't bribe or force your son to eat, and keep the mood at the table relaxed. Place very small portions on his plate and talk about the color and shape of what's there, rather than fixating on getting him to eat it. Some children are hypersensitive to tastes, textures and temperatures. If his mother has similar issues around food, it is possible that your son could have legitimate sensitivities that need to be factored in. By downplaying your need for him to eat new things and taking the pressure and anxiety off the table, so to speak, you'll give him space to develop his own curiosity.
• Encourage your son to help you shop and prepare the food so he's more invested in the meal. Take time with sauces, which can mask the flavor of new foods by making them feel familiar, or try blending foods so their texture is less unusual. Have fun together with how the meal is placed on the plate. You might even create an interesting table décor, adding fresh flowers or candles sometimes to give dinnertime a "fancy" feeling. In other words, try to associate mealtime as a fun, enjoyable chance to spend time with one another, rather than a tense half an hour where the two of you are engaged in conflict over how many bites he's eaten of something.

The dinner table is one of the best places to gather as a family, even if the family consists of just the two of you. Transform this time into a sweet chance to connect, talk, play guessing games, or share interesting things about your day. My friend Laurie David has a wonderful book, The Family Dinner, with lots of ideas for making great family food. And keep an eye on the Huff Post Family Dinner Table Talks for kid-friendly conversation starters that will help make mealtime one of your son's favorite times of the day.

Yours in parenting support,
Susan

Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Comments

[alyseven]

01:17 AM on 09/01/2011

Ironic that this story was right across from the story asking whether obese children should be taken away from their parents.

[fallenarches]

04:16 PM on 08/31/2011

My step-son was one of the worst by age 10. He was holding the adults in his life food hostage, and he knew it. This boy's divorced parents felt guilty and helpless in the face of a kid who knew that throwing tantrums and refusing to eat made them dance around like puppets.

I don't play that way. In our household, he eats what is served for dinner, or he doesn't eat. He starts with small portions and isn't required to clean his plate, but if he refuses to take a bite of something or complains about anything, he faces a consequence. If he wants seconds of some desired item, he does need to clean the plate. He doesn't get to fill up on potato and pork chop while leaving half his salad.

Some parents confuse 'not making a big deal out of it' with 'let him have his way without consequence'. As with any other sort of inappropriate behavior, playing the food refusal game should result in undesired consequences. Parents should spell out what those are and quietly stick to the rules in a calm, matter-of-fact manner. If the child chooses to turn it into screaming drama, that results in more unhappy consequences. All we ever have to do is quietly ask, "How many days without screen time do you want...?" That promptly shuts down the drama and turns mealtime peaceful. But frankly, we rarely have to say that anymore.

[tigrmama11]

02:09 AM on 08/30/2011

To Juliana1217 Thank you.

[GirlFriday123]

08:44 AM on 08/28/2011

The bigger deal you make of it, the longer the struggle lasts.

Make one dinner for the whole family. Make it clear that the child can eat it or not, but this is dinner and mommy is not a short order cook.

Kids will eat when they're hungry, but there's nothing like a little drama or a perceived power struggle to strengthen their resolve.

Case in point, my 11yo was the fussy eater you've ever seen. My husband would get hopping mad over his refusals because they happened even though I was Initially making the mistake of cooking differently for our son. Finally, I got tired of cooking two meals and having dinner be a battleground and started only focusing on what was healthy and flavorful, but not too exotic.

We told our son that this was dinner. Eat it or not, but dessert is only for a clean plate and when we are done eating the kitchen is closed.

We had a few years of missed desserts, off and on, but he always ate something and, as he moved into the 7-8yo range he got more adventurous. Now, he is very adventurous and eats anything we put in front of him.

[lukedude27]

01:01 AM on 08/28/2011

Here is a idea. Put the food in front of him if he dont eat it he goes hungry. the next meal warm it up and put it back out for him. do this until he finally is hungry enough to eat it. Your the parent remember this.

[c0mm0ntater]

10:05 AM on 08/28/2011

That's what Lizzie Borden's parents supposedly did. They kept reheating and serving mutton for breakfast, and she refused to eat it. We know how that turned out.

[fallenarches]

04:36 PM on 08/31/2011

I don't think that parents in Somalia would consider that a draconian measure. If there is food at all, no matter what it is, that's what is going to be eaten. I also doubt that Lizzie Borden's problems stemmed from food war games. It's an easy culprit to point a finger at, but back then, serving up the same thing until it was eaten was a pretty common practice. Most people did not grow up to be axe murderers in that era.

Part of our problems with pickiness-run-wild may well stem from the growing distance we have with any memory of food insecurity. During the Great Depression, food pickiness was not much tolerated. Now it seems rather more the norm. I suspect parents are quite a bit more tolerant of it now than they were even 30 years ago. Something started to shift at some point in the 1980's - growing distance from a memory of food security, in combination with readily available frozen prepared foods (making it easier to serve up Screamin' Johnnie with something other than the dinner menu). The decline of the family table might play a part here, too. When individuals in a household are eating at all times, but not together because of schedules all over the map, it becomes easier to avoid the rigors of conflict that are inevitably a part of parenthood.

[Kim Kelley]

12:54 AM on 08/28/2011

Children are so easy to manipulate when it comes to this. They will eat anything they help prepare.
or rely on condiments. My son loved ranch dressing so I made a healthy version with yogurt. He would eat anything as long as he could dip it in his low sodium, yogurt ranch dressing.

[Gayle Force Winds]

05:45 PM on 08/31/2011

Brilliant, Kim. Very passionate issue with me and your post says it better than I could. I taught cooking to kids because of my concern about nutrition and the "food fights" that seemed to occur in every family. If a parent starts thinking about this when the child is four or five, that's too late. Give avocado, frozen banana, yogurt cups, etc. when they're small and they'll want it when they get older. I didn't allow any sugary cereals into the house, had my daughter help me prepare our vegetarian dinners, and generally tried to maintain that throughout her upbringing. Now, she's a very successful medical professional and instructor who grows her own vegies and maintains a vegetarian lifestyle. I love your idea of creating the yogurt veil to cover whatever they think they don't like; very good. Could go on & on but will save for a blog entry...just wanted to give you kudos for the simple & smart solution.

[kerryandjanie]

11:38 PM on 08/27/2011

When I was a child certain foods literally made my teeth ache, raw onions, raw radishes, certain types of pickles and olives and mayonaise. It was the same pain you'd get if you bit into a piece of tin foil gum wrapper. Severe ache/pain. Found out as a young adult it was caused by bad, cheap fillings which were done by the only dentist my parents could afford when my brothers & I were young. With my children, if a certain food was really disliked, ie raw onions or something with a strong flavor, they didn't have to eat that, just eat the rest of the meal or cover it with plastic wrap and reheat it for later. Small portions were ok but if you didn't eat a normal/sma­ll amount of each regular dish, no dessert and no other food. Foods like raw onions were served in a side dish to add to tacos, hamburgers­, omlets before cooking (if I made omlets, everyone got to decide what they wanted in theirs.) If a child dislikes a particular veg, why serve it to them? To show YOU are BOSS? It's different if a child decides they hate ALL vegs. My mother would serve my brother only his veg & once he'd eaten that, he could have the rest of the meal, because he'd never eat any veg but he'd eat the rest of dinner and say he was full. He only pulled that a couple of times with our mother.

[fallenarches]

04:50 PM on 08/31/2011

I gave my sons the option to "not like" one thing. They both chose eggplant. I think when food refusal issues are not terribly severe, that's a good tactic to use to avoid having them become a bigger problem, and it's really no skin off anyone's nose. It gives kids a sense of choice, but it also is clear that, yes, the parents are "boss" (which kids do actually want to know and be assured of). We still served up eggplant on occasion, and when we did so, that was still what was for dinner, but my sons could turn it down or work their way around it without anyone commenting upon it.

As adults, they are both now fine with eggplant.

[msolo50318]

10:17 PM on 08/27/2011

my 6 year old would have very little choice in his/her dining options

[PeeWeesHerman]

11:35 PM on 08/27/2011

"would have"? what a strange tense for you to use....why not "doesn't have"? oh...you have no children...ok

[Kim Kelley]

12:50 AM on 08/28/2011

You obviously have zero experience in children. We can't let them dictate their diet but ordering a six year old to eat something they really dislike only results in triggering the gag reflex and a plate full of vomit. I suupose you could then do what my mother-in-law did and make them eat the vomit. But then, she lost custody of her 4 children.

[Mr Self Thinker]

10:07 PM on 08/27/2011

When kids get home from school they will eat anything that does not move. When our boys would get home they would have a "snack" which might of been 2 sandwiches and whatever else they could grab. Then at 6ish dinner time they would not be hungry.

Then we got smart and had dinner ready when they walked in the door. They were so hungry they would eat it all without a problem. Then later in the evening they had the sandwich. It worked for us

[sylveria]

10:05 PM on 08/27/2011

"Encourage your son to help you shop and prepare the food so he's more invested in the meal. " That's cute. Enjoy your peanut butter, cheese sauce, ketchup, hotdogs and M&Ms for dinner.

This sounds like my cousins. They grew up on Mcdonalds and got to the point that is the only thing they would eat for most of their childhoods, maybe some hotdogs and candy to. I remember one Thanksgiving where we had a full turkey dinner with all the trimmings, and one of them would only eat potatoes and a hot-dog.. but she got desert afterwards cause her mom caved. Now they're both in their late teens, over weight, and suffering from various health issues. The one, at the age of like 17, had a cardiac episode during practice. That's the road this kid's mom is setting out for him and he'll be right behind her if Dad doesn't put his foot down.

I've said it before, kids can not be reasoned with, especially in a situation like this were the mom is reinforcing the behavior. Be firm. It's "Eat this or you don't eat anything." Even at my age, 25, I'm still not a fan of most vegetables, the textures tend to bother me more than the taste, but I eat them regardless because if I only ate what I wanted, I'd be 300lbs with health problems like my cousins (and so many other Americans).

[fallenarches]

05:03 PM on 08/31/2011

Well, I started teaching my step-son how to cook, and on those evenings when he does get the privilege (and it is a privilege) of making dinner, he can choose the menu and recipes. BUT, he is required to make the meal balanced and it does need to be made from scratch. The privilege of being able to totally control and prepare a meal one night a week has turned out to be a powerful incentive for him. He doesn't get the privilege if we've had any dinnertime hassles with him during the week.

I found that engaging him in food purchasing and preparation has been hugely successful, but that doesn't involve sending him over to McD's. It involves helping him get to know "real food," as Michael Pollan calls it.

[assbad1969]

09:53 PM on 08/27/2011

I say let the kids eat what ever they want. If they will only eat happy meals then take them to mcdonalds for breakfast lunch and dinner. Dont be a meanie. Give your kids what ever they want, no need to blend in with the rest of the family or group. All that matters is the individual kid is happy. Come on parents, give yhem waht they want even if you have to make evey meal special just for them.

[PeeWeesHerman]

11:25 PM on 08/27/2011

hmmm....lets see...ok,.very obvious...and equally unoriginal and unclever...well done

[shifterkartdrvr]

09:48 PM on 08/27/2011

He'll eat when he gets hungry enough.

[gemin8888]

09:43 PM on 08/27/2011

My daughter, who is now 9 has always had problems with eating food. Even as a baby, starting her on baby cereals was not happening, she just wouldn't take it. Same thing with baby foods. I tried every fruit, every veggie to no avail. It was very hard considering my first born never had issues with any types of food at all. So naturally I thought my second would be the same way, but no. Even at 9 she won't eat most veggies or fruits. She won't try spaghetti, or a ham sandwich. Though she eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she loves all meats but not on a sandwich. She refuses to try seafood of any kind, no grilled cheese.
None of the above techniques have ever worked. I have tried many different things and finally I just got to the point of letting her eat her choice of food in moderation and eventually she will learn that the only way she will know if she likes it is by tasting it first. Then she can decide if she likes it or not. Only in time.

[Seiena Cyrus]

09:58 PM on 08/27/2011

It might be the smell. I'm not joking. I can eat Cake, I can eat bread, I can eat things -made- with eggs. But plain eggs make me extremely ill and it's because of the -smell- of cooking them. My whole system freaks out and turns a "ew hate the smell." Into a literal "Ew! I'm gonna be sick!" moment. Grilled cheese it's the texture of the cheese that turns me off to it. I'm all for trying new foods but if it's disgusting to the person eating it, even a kid, why literally torture them with it?

My mother did the she'll eat it when she's hungry thing and I developed a problem of actually being physically ill after eating those foods I didn't like because my system didn't want them and I was literally gagging the food down.

[Malinda Smith]

09:42 PM on 08/27/2011

It is a known fact that children have something like several thousand taste buds. These reduce in number as we age. This makes taste more of an issue with kids because things simply taste more pungent to them. This is believed to be a hangover from the evolution process that at one time served as a preservation for the human species by helping with detection of poisonous, nonedible elements. Anyway... its not just that kids are whiny and spoiled. things that we are way less sensitive to taste-wise is really strong to a child's palate. Imagine the pungent tase of brussel sprouts quadrupled. YUCK!

[emscrs]

09:41 PM on 08/27/2011

Rather than force him, tell him he can't have any, as it is only for grownups. Kids generally want what they cannot have, and reject what they are told they must eat. My youngest would only eat his eggs with green food coloring and "ham".

[Wake Up Call]

03:13 PM on 08/28/2011

But you DO give them what they "can't have", huh? Great way to turn your child into a chain smoking, alcoholic, porn addict. LOL