Divorce Advice: Back-To-School Tips For Divorced Parents

Co-parenting during the summer can be hellish (ever tried coordinating vacation schedules with your ex? It can require strategic abilities Napoleon would have admired). But if there's anything more crazy-making for divorced parents, it's sending kids back to school post-split. Whether the divorce happened long ago or since the school year wrapped last spring, the abrupt end to the lazy days of summer and the onset of stricter schedules, coupled with kids' often complicated school-year routines, is enough to make divorced parents' heads spin.

Instead of trying to solve the myriad challenges that might arise on our own, we asked our HuffPost Divorce experts--co-parents, psychologists, lawyers, educators--to share their best advice on how to handle sending children of divorce back-to-school. Below, check out what they told us, and add your own tips in the comments.

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Plan The Year Out To A Tee

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Have a summit meeting. Sit down in the late summer with all the key adult players in your family with calendars, get all the school schedules out (schools should have these online), and plan the year from September to June. Everything -- school breaks, weekends, etc. Then you have a basic overview of where everyone will be and when. Less confusion leads to less misunderstanding leads to more clarity leads to happier people. Things may change as the year progresses but at least everyone has a general understanding and agreement of how the year will play out from the start. --Isabel Gillies, author of Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story

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Have a summit meeting. Sit down in the late summer with all the key adult players in your family with calendars, get all the school schedules out (schools should have these online), and plan the year from September to June. Everything -- school breaks, weekends, etc. Then you have a basic overview of where everyone will be and when. Less confusion leads to less misunderstanding leads to more clarity leads to happier people. Things may change as the year progresses but at least everyone has a general understanding and agreement of how the year will play out from the start.
--Isabel Gillies, author of Happens Every Day: An All-Too-True Story

comments(24)

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Comments

[ddicksond]

01:43 AM on 09/01/2011

Yes the teacher should be aware of the split. however it is in no way the responsibility of the teacher to mediate or give therapy to the child. Teachers are for teaching period! Parents need to stop leaving the mess they made for everyone else too fix.

[pslcitizen]

11:37 PM on 08/31/2011

Get over yourselves & do what's best for your children. Rest will work itself out...

[NOLAguitarboy]

04:20 PM on 09/01/2011

Good luck with that. Apparently, my ex-wife hasn't figured that one out yet.

[RobinskiNH]

10:29 PM on 08/31/2011

Biggest problem my former husband and I had was teachers trying to play us off against each other. Our son was coded for special education and when I was adamant that they would NOT change his speech therapy program due to funding issues, they contacted his dad and tried to get him to sign off on the consent. Fortunately, he did not.

In school, as with all other situations, we attempted to do what was best for our son, i.e., to continue being his parents. It took tact and a certain amount of forebearance for both of us, but having our son thank us for how we handled it was all the reward we wanted or needed.

[Kay York]

09:03 PM on 08/31/2011

It is all good advice as long as one parent isn't telling lies to the children. That is what happened with my son. The mother has continued to tell lies and now the children are so confused they don't know what to believe. She lied to the daughter that he refused to help buy a prom dress, and she never even asked him. He has been finding out a bunch of lies from his son who is now finally talking to him again after a year of her lies. Sad that parents have to lie to try to make their kids like them. But I am sure they will all find out the truth some day and like I always say, "what goes around, comes around." And pay backs are a "bi--h!

[scottsrz]

07:21 PM on 08/31/2011

Being a divorced father, when you are the one thrown under the bus, nothing is easy. My children are now in their late 20's and seem well adjusted having finished college. (One child with 2 masters and a step with a PHD) Divorce made their school years difficult. I do agree with the comment:. Put the children first. Explain your situation to the school and insist on being kept informed. Have that comment placed in your divorce decree. These are your children and you have a responsibility to give them guidance and support. Insist the school send you by mail/email all information necessary to be involved. I could not stand to be in the same room with my ex and pleaded with the school and teachers to understand how inportant my children are to me. Our teachers were supportive. Don't keep bringing up your situation, just get the information about your child's advancments, short falls, how you can help, then move on.
Now for those who found someone else with children,you are not their parent but you may be the only one available in some situations. Teachers should be infromed, but understand you will be supportive as if the child were. You should pass information on and not judgement or punishment, it is not your place. Enchorage good behavior and participation. I cannot say my suggestions are perfect. I will state I have never seen four more honest, sincere, loving, and educated young adults. It takes alot of work.

[teresathegreat12]

05:16 PM on 08/31/2011

The home is not broken! It's being repaired from the damage unhappy parents in an unhealthy marriage did to it. It's not as big a deal as the "columnist"s make it out to be. MY children have always felt they were odd because their parents were married! AND my husband and I love each other, and are affectionate (gasp). It's not a tragedy and the whole idea that it should be discussed with the teacher without the child there to avoid your child's embarrassment is bull hockey. It should be discussed with the teacher in a short note: Bobby may have problems adjusting, his father and I (or mother and I) are going through a divorce right now. End of note.
Cutting out the step-parent is ridiculous! As a step-mother, I find it insulting. My husband's ex-wife lived in a different town when our (and I mean OUR as in, the ones they had together that he and I raised) children were in school. The kids lived with us. I was in charge of washing their clothes, cooking their dinner, loving them, buying prom dresses and tuxes, etc. To say I shouldn't be concerned or involved in their academic lives is insulting to my role! I never tried to take away their mother's presence, but I was there on a daily basis and she wasn't. I went to parent/teacher meetings so I could learn what I needed to know about OUR children.

[shril1211]

04:34 PM on 08/31/2011

The mom has a new husband.
The dad has a new wife.
Where do the kids fit in....

[cruzfrogs]

08:58 PM on 08/31/2011

It is up to the adults...mother, father and stepmom and stepdad to see that the children always come first. The divorced people did not break up the home. The home was damaged and now the mom and dad have a chance to make a happy home for the children.

[Aerosol]

03:09 AM on 09/12/2011

Silly, that's what the schedule is for.

[JJones1018]

11:00 AM on 08/30/2011

I WOULD HAVE TO DISAGREE. THIS IS AN OLD PRACTICE. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT PARENTS UNDERSTAND THAT CHILDREN LEARN FROM THEIR ACTIONS. THEREFORE IF THE DIVORCED PARTIES ARE REMARRIED THE NEW HUSBAND/WIFE SHOULD NOT BE EXCLUDED. THIS WILL SEND MIX MESSAGES TO THE CHILD AND IN FACT CREATE MORE INTERNAL CONFLICT ABOUT THE SITUATION. DIVORCE IS HARD ENOUGH WHY ADD MORE TO IT. THE CHILD SHOULD BE TAUGHT TO RESPECT MOM OR DADS NEW PARTNER AND THEY ARE TAUGHT BY WATCHING HOW THE ADULTS REACT TO ONE ANOTHER. THE NEW PARTNER IS A PART OF THE CHILD'S LIFE AND HAS JUST AS MUCH INFLUENCE AS THE BIOLOGICAL PARENT AND IN FACT THEY COULD BECOME A GREAT SUPPORT TO BOTH PARENTS. FOR EXAMPLE WITH SOME DIVORCES THE PARENTS ARE UNABLE TO COMMUNICATE AND NEED A THIRD PARTY WHICH IS WHERE THE NEW PARTNER (IF THEY ARE RATIONAL) CAN SUPPORT BOTH PARTIES. OR WHAT IF ONE PARENT IS OUT OF TOWN AND THE PARENT WHO IS IN TOWN HAS DIFFICULTIES PICKING THE CHILD UP FROM AN ACTIVITY OR SCHOOL THEN THE STEP-PARENT CAN JUMP IN. THE STEP PARENT CAN ALSO BECOME A GREAT FRIEND TO THE CHILD AND THE PERSON OF REASON. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR SCHOOL OFFICIAL, DOCTORS, DENTIST AND COACHES TO MEET ALL PARTIES INCLUDING STEP-PARENTS. PARENTS AND STEP-PARENTS NEED TO WORK AS A TEAM WITH CLEAR BOUNDARIES. BY BECOMING A TEAM PARENTS WILL REDUCE THE CHANCE OF TRIANGULATION AND MANIPULATIVE PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR.

[fallenarches]

05:42 PM on 08/30/2011

Yes, children should respect their parents' partners, but the parents (and step-parents) are also obliged to respect the role of the mother and the father as a full-on, full-time real mother and father. Within their own households, the mother and father can negotiate any roles they want with their respective partners, but don't treat the currents as if they are 'equal' to the child's other parent, as far as the roles and responsibilities of parenting are concerned. A child needs his parents to be unambiguous, and Mom and Dad need to experience full on all the inconvenient responsibilities of being parents. It's a different matter when one parent can't or won't be fully engaged, but inserting step-parents into full on "co" roles when Mom and Dad are both actively, equally involved can lead to serious transgressions of boundaries, ultimately hurting the child. Who cares who picks up the kid from school; that is not at all the same thing as putting a current partner into the same major decision-making role as the child's other parent. If Mom and Dad have a hard time communicating, and they are both co-parenting to an equal degree, a "rational third party" in the form of Mom's husband or Dad's wife playing nursemaid and personal assistant to both in their parental dysfunction is not a viable solution. Mom and Dad need to get over their communication problems and do the job they signed up for when they had children.

[fallenarches]

06:40 PM on 08/29/2011

#3 and #4 can't be overstated. Here's another in that same vein; if the mother and father are both 100% there with full joint custody, both fully engaged and hands-on, with the children spending equal time in both households, those co-parents should treat parent-teacher meetings as they would if they were still married. Both should attend or trust the other parent to report back and consult if one of them cannot attend a particular meeting. Do NOT insert your current partner into a parent position alongside your ex. If the parents are co-parenting, do not confuse the kids with veiled suggestions that either Mom or Dad needs an additional mom or dad, because the actual one is not quite sufficient. Parent-teacher conferences should be between the teacher, Dad and Mom, not teacher, Dad, Mom and Mom's boyfriend du jour. Leave the steps and the boyfriends/girlfriends at home. By all means, consult with them in the confines of your own household, but don't turn meetings with teachers into weird, awkward 'love' triangles (or wacky foursomes).

[aoifeclancy]

05:02 PM on 08/29/2011

i think the used textbook idea is brilliant.

[cachola]

04:28 PM on 08/29/2011

Tip: stop using the term broken home. And stop acting like divorce is such a big tragedy. I wish my parents had divorced.

[zigyboo]

06:49 PM on 08/29/2011

Why do you wish that? Divorce is a big thing to just spring on a child. You don't really wish that (I hope) because if you really do, something must be wrong with you or you must have had really bad parents.

[fallenarches]

08:52 PM on 08/29/2011

I suspect that cachola's parents had a really bad marriage. It's unfortunate when parents provide a really bad marriage as the 'model' for their children to learn from. If one or both parents can't or won't do the hard work of making their marriage somewhat better than really bad, 'springing' divorce on the kids is by far the better option.

[Boobuzuela]

03:47 PM on 08/29/2011

Tip: Divorced parents should stay home, go to their jobs, whatever, and send the KIDS to school.

[screamingdeafdog]

02:18 PM on 08/29/2011

Shut up and go to school.

[Mysteryprincess]

02:03 PM on 08/29/2011

How bout you just tell your kid to shut up and go to school?

[screamingdeafdog]

02:19 PM on 08/29/2011

Oh, sorry. Saw the headline and inadvertently made your same quip. Ooops.

[Erin Mantz]

01:24 PM on 08/29/2011

Yes, but be careful. Don't overload it with every little thing for the child to schlep back and forth or the backpack can become a constant heavy reminder - literally and figuratively - to the kid that he is from a broken home. If there's a significant amount of stuff that has to go from one house to the other, the parent should take on the burden of driving it or getting it over before or after work or the weekend prior. It's just too heavy a load for the kid to carry.