Dear Susan,
My eleven-year-old is the worst procrastinator in the world. I have to threaten to ground him to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. What can I do to change this bad habit of his?Signed,
Sick of waiting
Dear Mom, As adults, we know that procrastinating creates problems in every aspect of our life. Not only can it impact our success in education and work, but it generates conflict with those we love when they feel they can't depend on us to follow through with committments. Because of their tendency to put off till tomorrow what would best be done today, procrastinators often rely on others -- parents, teachers, or bosses -- to "light a fire" for them, using threats or bribes to override the inertia that sets in around doing unpleasant tasks. But of course this is a very unhealthy dynamic, leading to frustration and resentment for everyone involved. While it's understandable that your son -- like all kids -- prefers having fun over doing things he doesn't enjoy, it's important to help youngsters develop the skills they'll need to do well in life, and this includes teaching them ways to manage their resistance to doing tasks they just don't feel like doing. Here's my advice:
- Avoid coming across as needy. Kids can "smell" our agenda, and when they sense that we need them to do something, it often triggers their Inner Rebel. Saying, "It's time to feed the dog," rather than, "I need you to feed the dog" is a small adjustment that can make a big difference.
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Parenting a procrastinator is tough. There are so many "unfun" things that our kids need to do that every day so it can feel like a battle zone, pushing and pulling to get even the simplest tasks checked off the list. By legitimizing -- rather than judging -- your son's reluctance to do unpleasant things, and working with him to teach him time management and organizational skills, you'll help him overcome his procrastination habit, and more importantly, restore the loving connection with him that is so important to you both.
Yours in parenting support,
Susan
Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.