The Comedy Central Roast Of Charlie Sheen (UPDATES)
The Comedy Central Roast Of Charlie Sheen is taping tonight in LA and HuffPost Comedy will be on the scene as the crazy train rumbles through and -- in all likelihood -- derails. We'll keep you updated right here on all the details as the night progresses.
Scheduled to roast Mr. Sheen within an inch of his life tonight are: Seth MacFarlane (returning as Roastmaster), William Shatner, Jon Lovitz, Patrice Oneal, Amy Schumer, Kate Walsh, Anthony Jeselnik, Steve-O, Jeffrey Ross and Mike Tyson. There also be a special appearance by Slash... yes, SLASH.
First-time roaster Amy Schumer explains the one subject that the was forbidden at the Sheen Roast.
MacFarlane's Intro: "You may recognize Patrice from his many speaking roles in movies, but only if you've sat behind him in a theater."
Patrice's best moments:
To William Shatner: "You're a fuckin' asshole, Captain Kirk."
On Anthony Jeselnik: "I refuse to learn his last name. No one should learn his last name. I learned Galafianakis and that is the last shitty white name [I'm] ever learning."
On Seth MacFarlane: "No straight man writes that many show tunes."
Important note: Patrice doesn't like how comfortable white people are around Mike Tyson.
On people thinking something he said was too dark: "Fuck you. Y'all laughed at some fucked up shit."
"Never ever forget to book your next rehab stay through Priceline.com."
To Charlie: "I know a guy who got crucified by Jews, too. And people worshipped that guy."
On the future of Charlie's career: "Don't stick yourself in some unfunny piece of shit that's never going to amount to anything. I am, of course, talking about Amy Schumer."
Amy Schumer, incidentally, had the set of the night.
In honor of Charlie Sheen, Steve-O decides to try to get a black eye from Mike Tyson. Waiting for him to run face first into his fist, Tyson confirms, "We're not going to call the police or anything after this, right?"
No word yet on whether or not the black eye took, but MacFarlane summed the weirdness up this way: "That's what it looks like when an asshole gets fisted, I guess."
MacFarlane's Intro: "You know him best from my saying his name right now..."
Jeselnik's entire Lovitz joke: "Jon Lovitz is a child molester."
He makes a joke referencing Richard Pryor's albums that doesn't land. Patrice Oneal heckles, "Too many white people," and Jeselnik retorts, "You know what you never hear, 'Too few black people.'"
Tyson's set is brought to you by the letters S and F.
Now he's taking umbrage at Charlie calling Denise Richards the N word.
Says he's been reading a lot of poetry, like the "Iliad," then points out to Seth that they've both stolen a lot from Homer.
MacFarlane introing Mike:
"Mike Tyson has had three marriages, the first two ended in knock outs. Please don't murder me."
"He's a guy who has beaten every opponent he's been up against, except the letter S."
The jokes are very dark, but you definitely get the sense that everyone hopes Charlie is getting his life back together. Perhaps this Roast really is an intervention in some way?
MacFarlane's intro: "Jeff has generated a lot of heat in Hollywood, from people burning his headshots."
Highlights from Jeff's set:
"Friends, roasters, enablers, lend Mike Tyson your ears. Cause this lineup is so pathetic I was hoping I'd get replaced by Ashton Kutcher."
"Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters."
"Charlie if you're winning then this must not be a child custody trial. The only way your kids get to see you is in reruns."
"Whitney Cummings couldn't be here this time because she's outside putting up more billboards."
She plays a doctor on TV which is pretty close to being an actual doctor, and the dais is filled with undiagnosed problems.
She also cracks the first joke about Charlie losing his kids... goes over really well.
In case you didn't notice in the pic below, Jeffrey Ross is dressed as General Ghaddafi. It's because he's the Roastmaster "General." He's definitely outdone the "Trumpadour" he sported at the Trump Roast.
MacFarlane's introduction is sweet: "He was one of the stars of 'Saturday Night Live' cast that critics have hailed as, 'Not the worst.'"
Lovitz hammers Amy Schumer and Anthony Jeselnik as the newer kids and outs them as dating.
It's already clear that Mike Tyson is going to heckle EVERYONE.
"How do you get fired from 'Two And A Half Men'? Do they haul you in and tell you you don't suck enough?"
MacFarlane gets a "wow" out of Charlie on this gag: "He's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis."
"He went from 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off' to having every day off..."
Sheen enters riding a train helmed by Slash. Slash is now on shredding on stage now. Charlie looks great. Tyson is definitely going to out-crazy him.
Seth MacFarlane has opened the show.
"We're here tonight to honor -- and hopefully arrest -- Charlie Sheen."
MacFarlane comments on the fact that Sheen is being killed off on "Two And A Half Men" tonight, but don't worry, you can see the real thing soon.
Tyson is already turned up to 11, just yelled, "I love Charlie!!!"
During his pre-show remarks, Seth MacFarlane introduces each of the roasters, and throws in a couple of zingers just to set the tone.
First, on one of the more inexplicable bookings of the night: "The star of 'Private Practice' -- for some reason -- Kate Walsh!"
Then introducing Mike Tyson, MacFarlane bellows, "Let's get ready to mummmmmble!"
Two for two.