Dear Susan,
How do I handle the chaotic time before dinner when everyone in the house seems to fall apart -- including me?
Signed,
Needs help
Dear Mom,
One of the most common and crazy-making challenges parents face is often affectionately (!) known as, "The Witching Hour." Here a few tips for handling that time at the end of the day when your kids -- and you! -- are tired, hungry and worn out.
1. Before you head home from work or off to school to pick up the kids, take a moment to STOP and shift gears. Let yourself move from Getting Things Done mode (where your focus was on checking things off your list,) to Parenting mode, where your main "task" is to nurture and stay connected and sane.
2. Think about what you want the next two hours to look like. Picture the afternoon going well, and set a clear intention to be present and relaxed.
3. When you walk through the door with the kids, put on music. It can be quiet music on that sets a calming tone or dance music that lets them get their ya-yas out.
4. Provide children -- and yourself -- with nourishing snacks that have protein and complex carbs to help them stay grounded. Better yet, include them. "Okay guys, who's our Chef of the Day? What do you have planned for a special, Apres L'Ecole (school) yum yums?‚" By giving your kids something to be in charge of -- with your guidance, of course -- you offer them a way to channel their energy into something constructive.
5. Encourage kids to either to play outside or hang out with you in the kitchen while you work on dinner. TV is not a great option, even though kids love to veg out. It tends to put them into a crabby mood and make it even harder to transition to homework.
6. Stay connected. It's best if you can avoid checking your email or getting pulled into the computer during this time (as desperate as you might be for an escape!). The more that children sense you're not there, the more they chase you with attention-getting misbehavior. A five or ten minute cuddle or round of UNO can do wonders for giving kids that "hit" of you that will help sustain them through the pre-dinner time.
7. Feed little ones early. As nice as it is to have a family dinner, it may be saner to feed and bathe your toddlers before the rest of you have dinner. They can join you at the table and nibble on fresh fruits or veggies, but it takes the pressure off of you to not have to manage cranky, tired little ones when you're trying to sit down with your spouse and/or older children to share some meaningful connecting time.
8. Most importantly, when your head hits the pillow, take note of five things that went well in your parenting life today. Get out the magnifying glass if you have to, but review at least five moments where you and your child shared a special hug, you managed to stop yourself before yelling, or you avoided a power struggle that you might otherwise have gotten caught in.
As tempting as it is to focus on that To Do list when there's dinner, baths, homework and chores to get done, the "Witching Hour" goes much more smoothly when we focus less on the list, and more on creating sweet moments of connection while we're crossing things off it. These moments are the very essence of raising children. Believe it or not, once your kids have flown the nest, you may even find you miss that crazy chaos. So do your best to breathe, and enjoy!
Yours in parenting support,
Susan
Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.