Okay, so it ain't exactly the Royal Wedding--though there have been, er, comparisons--but we can't pretend we haven't been looking forward to the Kardashian nuptials with at least some of the same shameless excitement that characterized William and Kate's Big Day.
From that day in 2007 when the Kardashian clan first landed in our living rooms in the form of their reality show, we've warmed to their peculiar charms (that may have something to do with the fact that you can literally see their faces on television at any given moment any time of the day -- thank you, E! Network!) So we're not too proud to admit that we're watching tonight -- and don't pretend you aren't either. So pop the champagne and follow our live-blog for up-to-the-minute updates sure to sate your guilty-pleasure cravings for the week. Stay tuned for part two of our live-coverage!
|@ KimKardashian : What did you guys think of my wedding? Can't believe its all over! #KimKWedding|
|@ huffpostwedding : ANNNNDDDD we're done. Abrupt ending, nice dresses. #KimKWedding Need more? http://t.co/tVoeYn0I|
OK, this is the part we actually wanted to SEE, and we're getting a reprise of Kardashian life moments? I mean, c'mon!
|@ RyanSeacrest : Since @KimKardashian had dad's shirt on left side of her dress, Bruce Jenner was on her right so she walked down aisle w/ both. #KimKWedding|
Seriously? This is Kim and Kris' wedding, not a reprise of "The Hills"!
Producers cut away to another passive-aggressive comment from Khloe as the two exchange their vows.
"We're married, is that weird?" says Kim as they head back down the aisle.
Yeah, kind of.
The music swells as she walks down the aisle with Bruce Jenner. The altar looks kind of like the palace from "Alladin." Plus, we're kinda distracted by the bow on Kris Jenner's dress.
|@ KourtneyKardash : I can't keep it together when I see @KimKardashian cry when she sees my dad's clothes. The tears! I can't control it. #kimkwedding|
Kourtney trips down the aisle holding son Mason!
The black-and-white affair begins.
The Kardashian girls tours the venue the morning of the wedding, and we see the blinged-out cross (was that thing stolen from the set of "Jesus Christ Superstar"?)
Meanwhile, back in the boys' room, Kris Humphries is STILL sporting that hideous 'stache. Finally: a friend tells him to get rid of it. He FINALLY shaves it off (apparently that was the plan all along). And thank gawd for that--he's no longer a dead ringer for the Monopoly man.
Back in the girls' room, Kim is getting her makeup done when she gets a gift from Kris Humphries (and the producers?)--a diamond bracelet. Kim always picks out every gift, says Kourtney, so this is a real treat.
Is anyone else annoyed that we're 30 minutes away from the end of this 4-hour WEDDING special and we have not even begun to see THE ACTUAL WEDDING?
|@ Whitney_Styles : Humphries really didn't pay for ish. Kardashians $ funded that wedding & half the ish was free just bc Kim a star #KimKWedding|
Bruce Jenner brings over a bunch of Kim's late father's shirts, and she breaks down in the bathroom. "I wish my dad was here to see it all." Bruce comforts her: "I think your dad would love Kris. Do you know how proud your father would be of you?"
"I hate that on the outside it's all about material things," Kim tells him, apparently apropos of nothing. REALLY? Could have fooled us, sweetie.
"At this point, I feel like I'm not even getting married," says Kris Humphries, when it becomes clear that Kim is not, in fact, changing her name at the less-than-celebratory marriage contract signing.
The rehearsal dinner! A voice-over from Kris Humphries introduces the scene. "The closer the wedding gets, the crazier Kim is getting"
Tonight, she criticizes his facial hair. He vows to keep it: "All I have left is my moustache," he says, then proceeds to sit at a table with his friends instead of with Kim.
"I hate him," Kim tells two friends. They smile. An odd reaction, no?
But then, a friend of Kris Humphries regales the couple with their cute-meet story, and they remember how much they loved each other when they first met, er, six months ago. Awwwww.
Kim intimates she is going to run away from her groom on the Big Day, and then another fight breaks out about the seating plans. "I'm not gonna do this right now," says Kris Humphries. Tensions run high!
Kim informs her husband-to-be that she will not be changing her last name to Humphries. Another fight erupts, and she says
She says "we come from different worlds, OK?' and he puts her in her place in a way we've, well, never seen.
"4 years ago you were folding clothes at a boutique in the valley," he tells her. "And now you're Miss Princess."
Ouch. But true!
"I think you and Kris need to have, like, a 'for real' conversation about it," says Kourtney. Sage advice, as always, from the wisest sister.
So it's decided, then.
Oh no! The wedding is 150 people OVER capacity, and Kris Humphries is NOT taking this problem seriously, Oh-kay?! Is it just us, or are we starting to see Kim's downward spiral begin now?
Kim wonders why it takes Kris Humphries a week to accomplish any sort of wedding-related task--the latest being not booking a flight for his pastor, who will be marrying the pair.
A tiff breaks out.
"Aren't you excited to be getting married?" Kris asks his wife-to-be, not at all sarcastically.
"Totes," she says. "There's truly nothing more that I would wanna do."
Trouble in paradise!
Time for the wedding shower!
Guests include Kelly Rowland, Rachel Ray, and Mel B. Kim compares her CANDY ROCK-sized ring with the former Spice Girl. Oohs and Aahs ensue.
Outside, Kim mentions she is going to change her last name to Humphries. Uh-oh: that is NOT kosher for Kris Jenner the control freak, who pulls her daughter aside to tell her: "You are incorporated! Britney Spears didn't change her name!"
The boys kick it at dinner. This is the best line of the show so far, so we think it deserves its own entry. Enjoy.
Khloe finally shows up, touching her hair a little more than usual and being usually self-aggrandizing as she tells Kim: "I'll always be there for you, no matter what. And you know those are candied penises around your neck?"
Cue sister cuddle-hug!!
|@ huffpostwedding : The #Kardashians really love leopard print. New drinking game! Drink if at least one Kardashian is wearing leopard print. #KimKWedding|
On the way to Vegas, the girls fly private jet. The boys fly commercial. This is not something that escapes Rob Kardashian's notice. It IS, kind of weird, n'est pas?
|@ theblogsmaid : Is it just me, or when she meets his grandparents is everyone pretending to forget about the Sex Tape?|
Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian arrive back in L.A. from a quick visit to Minnesota to a phalanx of paparazzi. Kris Humphries suggests that maybe they can just move back to Minnesota and she can get away from all the Hollywood madness and "pump out babies." Kim is most definitely NOT down with this: "one of the reasons I fell in love with you is that you could handle my career."
Because every man needs a pre-wedding pedi, Kim takes it upon herself to clip Kris Humphries' "gross" toenails and have a heart-to-heart about Khloe's absence from her pre-wedding festivities. "We're on our way to Vegas, and I still haven't spoken to Khloe." Oh no--are they estranged FOREVER? Newsflash: probably not.