Lakeshia Rivers Ekeigwe and Neva Lockhart, Authors Of 'The Truth About Being Single' Say Unconditional Love Is A Lie (POLL)

Winter's on the way and the pressure to be coupled up is building. But with marriage rates plummeting and even greater odds stacked against women of color, authors Lakeshia Rivers Ekeigwe and Neva Lockhart believe there's no better time to just give it up and embrace being single (or, at least, the opportunity it provides to get your view of relationships on straight) once and for all.

The approach, outlined in the duo's new book, The Truth About Being Single, relies on a few simple truths, the most compelling of which is their idea that unconditional love is a lie.

Consider this:

1. Have you been looking for a person who would be willing to love you unconditionally?
2. If so, what does being loved unconditionally mean to you?
3. Do you know how unconditional love should feel?
4. Is the unconditional love you seek physical or emotional?

If you were able to answer any of those questions, you have just set yourself up for failure, the authors say. To Ekeigwe and Lockhart, the mere statement "I want someone to love me unconditionally" is, in fact, a condition.

"What unconditional love says is that 'I'm going to love you no matter what. It doesn't matter how you treat me, it doesn't matter how you talk to me, what you do to me, I'm going to love you,' and to Neva and I it just didn't make sense," Ekeigwe says. "It's illogical. I'm not going to love you if cuss me out. I'm not going to love you if you put your hands on me. I'm not going to love you if you cheat on me."

Instead, Ekeigwe and Lockhart believe conditions are worth embracing, and a fundamental ingredient in building a successful relationship.

We all want to be loved in a way that makes us feel good about ourselves and the person we love. We do not want to give love and not receive the love we put out. This, too, is a basic condition of love. And, it is why unrequited love is so painful and makes for a tragic themes in books and movies.

The authors even take a stab at another popular notion that women need to "think like a man" rather than appealing for one. The goal, they say, is to help women understand that their desire for a partner is natural. "We want them to release the guilt for wanting a loving companion or for being single in her 30s, 40s and beyond.”

Quick Poll

Do you believe in unconditional love?

No. The authors are right and you need to make your expectations clear when a relationship begins.

Yes. Limitations and expectations are what cause many relationships to fail.

VOTE

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Comments

[thahawamahmath]

03:28 AM on 12/23/2011

This article is good if you want to get "technical" with it but we all know that when it's said, it's speaking in general terms to establish that a person wants a real and genuine relationship, till death do us part. So of course common sense tells you conditions are needed but if that's already known, what are people trying to imply? So I don't think it's wrong to say love me unconditionally if you want to express for someone to 'love me you matter what' , 'who i am' , or 'until the very end'. A form of expression not intended to be taken literal that's effective in getting your point across. Simple.

[MsG7]

11:43 AM on 12/18/2011

Only God has unconditional love.

[onnozol]

10:55 AM on 12/18/2011

Unconditional love does not mean you have to be with the person. You could love someone but choose to not have them in your life because they are causing you serious distress. If love is a feeling, you can have a feeling anywhere. If love is simply an action, then why do you still love someone after they pass?

[sa78hi]

10:50 PM on 01/03/2012

Completely agree!

[onnozol]

11:18 PM on 01/03/2012

:)

[forwardev3r]

08:05 AM on 12/18/2011

To love and be loved unconditionally is wishful thinking. Only spiritually can we even come close to such a thing. Mentally and physically.... not happening. Ask most people what it means and they will say I love you no matter what. Bogus. Lastly, when the author says I'm not going to love you if you cuss me out, just because one doesn't use words considered profane does not mean they aren't cursing you. When you say hurtful things whether you use profanity or not it all amounts to the same thing. Pain. Stop letting other people tell you how to think and feel. Learn the God in you and you will learn yourself.

[Zor C]

09:04 PM on 12/17/2011

It's like saying "I need someone to complete me"...EPIC FAIL!

[Kirk1000]

05:17 PM on 12/17/2011

God's love is unconditional and should serve as an example for all of us. We constantly disappoint God but He still loves us. It is not so far fetched to love people who let us down. Many do it with their kids. We just have to learn to be ok with our mate's humanest!

[Absolute]

03:20 PM on 12/17/2011

Romantic love should NEVER be unconditional.

[Mr Anonymous]

08:26 AM on 12/17/2011

There is not such thing as unconditional love, only weak codependent people.

[skyblue50]

10:29 PM on 12/16/2011

Great article. I've never believed in unconditional love between a man and woman. It doesn't even make sense for my romantic needs are not the same as a what I need from my parent. I don't want someone wanting me to live them unconditionally.

There should he conditions on romantic love.

[Trueletterson]

07:32 PM on 12/16/2011

The so call feeling and emotion call "unconditional love" is a lie and have always been. I remember a old aunt of mind told me years ago she said son "love is on condition" that you meet or provide for the women important needs whether the need is emotional, financial or physical when you fail to meet those needs and they will change from time to time love just might pack up and walk out the back door.

[mose joseph workman]

05:52 PM on 12/16/2011

i won't say there's no such thing as unconditional love, but every time i've been in an unconditional love relationship, the conditions changed...

[LeeScho]

04:44 PM on 12/16/2011

How sad for these authors and those who adhere to their viewpoint on unconditional love. I am one who loves unconditionally, and it has been a difficult journey through many relationships and two marriages. Citing abusive actions by a mate as being tolerated within the confines of unconditional love simply ridicules the debate. Abusive behavior does not allow unconditional love to exist and express itself. No one capable of delivering unconditional love would be involved with someone exhibiting abusive behavior, such is the strength and self-confidence of the unconditional lover, who refuses at all costs to ever be a victim.

In my third marriage, this unconditional lover is humbled by the unconditional love of his mate. We have known each other for thirty years, and she has been there for me through both of my marriages and for long after they ended. I am certain that she knows each of my many faults, but has never cited a single one. She has simply smiled as she saw me get all tangled in them - then pulled me out when she sensed I could not escape them alone.

Unconditional love. If you cannot or will not give it, then you will never receive it - or even know it when it speeds past you.

[Terita Hicks]

02:58 PM on 12/16/2011

Wow, this is like the third article this week that I have come accross like this. Unconditional love is a matter of understanding. So, unconditional love isn't about limitations. We all have limitations. Unconditional love is about having an unconditional understanding between too people. That unconditional understanding sets the standards for a couple to unconditionally love each other. Marriage is failing because of economics, changing social ideas regarding "what is marriage", break down of religion and spiritual growth and changing social values. All those factors makes it hard to stay in a committed relationship. So, yes unconditional love does exist but the social idea of unconditional love is changing and so is it's social value.

[BiggpussJr]

01:57 PM on 12/16/2011

I guess I am the lucky one. My wife has conditions on our love. And I try to meet them as often as possible.

[Tre Members]

01:45 PM on 12/16/2011

' I'm not going to love you if [you] cuss me out,' isn't that a little too extreme? I understand not loving someone that abuses you ( Physically, verbally or spiritually), but abandoning someone for tough talk seems fickle. And how can you develop a deep love starting from such a fickle position?

[Mchris1947]

04:25 PM on 12/16/2011

How do you maintain healthy respect for your mate, if you allow each other to use disrespectfull language when you disagree? That's not being fickle, that's setting the expecation that you and your mate have a baseline of respect for one another.

[Tre Members]

04:42 PM on 12/16/2011

I'm not saying it should be the norm and respect is unquestionable, but I can invasion some scenarios where anything less than a cuss out would be uncivilized. And forgiveness, real forgiveness, and compromise are gonna have to be ingredients in any healthy relationship.