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Ricky Gervais Monologue Golden Globes 2012: Star Fires Insults

First Posted: 01/15/12 08:19 PM ET Updated: 01/16/12 10:42 AM ET

Ricky Gervais's third Golden Globes monologue was his harshest yet ... on his employers.

After last year's jaw-dropping, headline-making roast of Hollywood's elite, the British comic and television star promised to take it to the next level when he was, despite all odds, asked back by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. He hyped up his appearance for weeks ahead of the show, saying that celebrities were narcissistic and could handle the ribbing; and anyway, Gervais said, he didn't much care what anyone thought of him in the event that some mopey movie stars were upset.

As it turned out, in his hardest hits were on the HFPA itself. Here are some excerpts:

"So where was I? Nervous? Don't be. This isn't about you. Hello, I'm Ricky Gervais and welcome to the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.

Voted for by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the world's second biggest awards show on America's third biggest network. Sorry, is it? Fourth. It's fourth.

For any of you who don't know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem. The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought. Allegedly. Nothing's been proved.

But who needs the Oscars? Not me. And not Eddie Murphy. He walked out on them, and good for him. But when the man who said yes to "Norbit" says no to you, you know you're in trouble. I love Eddie Murphy. He loves dressing up, doesn't he. Versatile. He's versatile. No, he is.

Bit of trivia for you. Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler between them played all the parts in the movie The Help. Isn't that brilliant. They were brilliant.

I cant believe they're not here. Or maybe they are. They're masters of disguise.

Now the Hollywood Foreign Press have warned me that if I insult any of you or any of them or offend any viewers or cause any controversy whatsoever, they'll definitely invite me back next year as well.

They actually gave me a list of rules. I'm going to ignore them, but I thought it would be good to read them out. This is real, ok?

No profanity. That's fine. I've got a huge vocabulary. No nudity. See, that's a shame. Because I've got a huge ... vocabulary. But a tiny penis. No, no. Doesn't matter. It works. Don't worry about it. It's fine. And I'm not to libel anyone. And I must not mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster's Beaver.

I haven't seen it myself. I have spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven't seen it either. That doesn't mean it's not any good.

It's been an amazing year in show business. It's not all been good news. What's with all the divorces? What's going on? Arnold and Maria, J. Lo and Mark Anthony, Ashton and Demi. Kim Kardashian and some guy no one will remember. He wasn't around long. Seventy-two days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat through longer James Cameron acceptance speeches.

Other celebrity scandals: Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No, he's not the father. The only way he could have impregnated the girl was if he borrow one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters. Open wide.

It's been a big year for women in film. Bridesmaids, one of my favorite comedies of the year. The girls finally proved that they can be as raunchy as men. Farting, burping, cursing, performing wild sex acts, even pooping in the sink. I actually heard for research the cast spent the weekend with Dame Helen Mirren. She's dreadful. Honestly, you don't see a lot of it because she's got good PR, but she's off the rails.

But the Golden Globes aren't just about movies. It also celebrated the best in TV as well. New shows like the amazing Homeland. And returning shows like "Boardwalk Empire." I love that show. It's great. It's about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and they got involved in bribing and corruption and they worked their way up into high society. But enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.

I'm joking. I love them and they're good sports for inviting me back. What I didn't know is they do an awful lot for charity and their non-profit organization. Just like NBC.

Should we get on with it?

This time last year, our first presenter was the biggest movie star on the planet. I insulted his film The Tourist, causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show, Life's Too Short, which premieres on HBO on Feb. 19. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to, Johnny Depp."

Golden Globe winners:
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  • Jessica Lange

    Actress Jessica Lange poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television for 'American Horror Story' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

  • The winner for Best Performance by and A

    The winner for Best Performance by and Actress In a Television Series Drama Claire Danes poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Actor Peter Dinklage poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television award for 'Game of Thrones' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • Winner for Best Performance by an Actor

    Winner for Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Christopher Plummer poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Actor Kelsey Grammer poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama award for 'Boss' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • Winner for Best Performance by an Actres

    Winner for Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television Kate Winslet poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • The winner for Best Performance by an Ac

    The winner for Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical Michelle Williams poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Actor Idris Elba poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television award for 'Luther' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • The cast winners for Best Mini-Series or

    The cast winners for Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television 'Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)' pose with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Winner for Best Performance by an Actres

    Winner for Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series Comedy or Musical Laura Dern poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 1997 Golden Globe winner; 1988, 1993, 19

    1997 Golden Globe winner; 1988, 1993, 1995, 2000, 2003 and 2012 Golden Globe nominee Madonna poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Composer Ludovic Bource poses in the press room with the Best Original Score - Motion Picture award for 'The Artist' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • Winners for Best Foreign Language Film "

    Winners for Best Foreign Language Film 'A Separation' ('Jodaeiye Nader az Simin', Iran) Director Asghar Farhadi and actor-screenwriter Peyman Moaadi (R) poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Director/producer Steven Spielberg poses in the press room with the Best Animated Film award for 'The Adventures of Tintin' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • The winner for Best Performance by an Ac

    The winner for Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Octavia Spencer poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 15: Actors Damian Lewis (L) and Claire Danes pose in the press room with the Best Television Series - Drama award for 'Homeland' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

  • The winner for Best Director Motion Pict

    The winner for Best Director Motion Picture Martin Scorsese poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Matt LeBlanc

    The winner for Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series Comedy or Musical Matt LeBlanc poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012. AFP PHOTO / Robyn BECK (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

  • "Modern Family"

    "Modern Family" cast and crew pose in the press room with the Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy award for 'Modern Family' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

  • Meryl Streep

    Actress Meryl Streep poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama award for 'The Iron Lady' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

  • Jean Dujardin

    Actor Jean Dujardin poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy award for 'The Artist' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

  • "The Artist"

    The Winners for Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical 'The Artist' poses with the trophy at the 69th annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California, January 15, 2012.

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    Actor George Clooney poses in the press room with the Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama award for 'The Descendants' at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

  • 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

    Producers Jim Taylor, Jim Burke, and director/producer Alexander Payne pose in the press room at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 15, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California.

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Filed by Jordan Zakarin  |