Oh, hello, everyone! As you no doubt already know, President Barack Obama will be delivering his State Of The Union address Tuesday night on the teevee. And we know that many of you may choose to use this occasion to get somewhat "chemically altered." We can't blame you! Have you seen the State of the Union? It's pretty vertigo-inducing already! So, to assist you on your adventures with recreational binge drinking, we have prepared for you the official Huffington Post State of the Union drinking game.
In preparing this, we've done our best to account for the sorts of things that are likely to happen, as far as what the president will say, what goals he'll announce, what accomplishments he'll cite, and what part of the pageantry the camera is likely to capture. We've watched a lot of these addresses, so we have a good idea about what is probably going to happen. We also have a good idea as to what will probably not happen. But, as always, these addresses can often feature unexpected moments that get talked about for days after the address.
We've done our best to divine everything that could happen -- but if you get caught by surprise by something we haven't accounted for, we trust the American people to use their best judgment and discretion. As always, however, we encourage you to participate in your country's empty displays of patriotic kitsch safely and responsibly.
What is the State Of The Union?
Take a sip
Obama says: "The State of the Union is strong."
Take a swig
Obama says: "The State of the Union is uncertain, but hopeful."
Pound a shot
Obama says, "The State of the Union is FUBAR. Google it."
Finish the bottle
Obama says, "The State of the Union is "The Hottest State," a novel by Ethan Hawke that I Kindled after Angelina Jolie turned me on to it.
Hot State Of The Union Topics
Take a sip
Obama discusses unemployment, infrastructure spending, deficits, tax reform, the war in Afghanistan, the Arab Spring.
Take a swig
Obama discusses immigration reform, education initiatives, the NATO mission in Libya, high-speed rail, folding the Department of Commerce and trade organizations into one Cabinet-level agency, the Keystone XL Pipeline.
Pound a shot
Obama discusses the use of brutal police tactics on Occupiers, support for marriage equality, Eurozone bailouts, student loan forgiveness.
Finish the bottle
Obama discusses human-animal hybrids, solar flares, poltergeists.
State Of The Union Themes
Take a sip
"The basic American promise."
"This is a blueprint for an economy that's built to last."
"We can't wait."
Take a swig
"This is a make or break moment for the middle class."
"We can settle for a country where there are opportunities for a few, or build a nation where everyone gets a fair shot."
Pound a shot
"To be honest with you, political science pretty much demonstrates that speeches like this one don't really drive public opinion, so can we just talk about that new show 'Homeland'? I mean, wow."
Finish the bottle
"This economy needs the shot in the arm that only strict devotion to Scientology can provide."
Reminder of Accomplishments
Take a sip
Obama reminds everyone about the success of the auto industry, new regulations to hold Wall Street more accountable, health care reform that's helping people who were cut from insurance rolls get life-saving medical care.
Take a swig
Obama reminds everyone that the war in Iraq is over, that Osama bin Laden is dead/al Qaeda is on a path to defeat, that American oil production is at an all-time high, and that he worked with Congress to enact historic deficit reduction measures.
Pound a shot
Obama reminds everyone that he quit smoking, hasn't strapped a dog to the top of the presidential motorcade, and that everyone at Goldman Sachs was really, really sad on bonus day.
Finish the bottle
Obama reminds everyone that Newt Gingrich is a viable GOP candidate.
Goals for the Coming Year
Take a sip
1. Work to help revitalize the U.S. manufacturing sector.
2. Provide support to Afghanistan security forces while executing a sensible drawdown of U.S. forces.
3. Start initiative to spur job training programs for the long-term unemployed.
Take a swig
1. Provide further assistance to Americans dealing with the foreclosure crisis.
2. Continue to work to get states vital infrastructure money for bridges, roads and a power grid.
3. Create a specific plan to achieve bipartisan tax reform.
Pound a shot
1. Support a nationwide student loan repayment model for new college graduates, tied to their post-graduation wage level.
2. Increase offshore drilling permits, along with updated safety regulations.
3. Ramp up aggressive stance with China on trade and currency manipulation.
Finish the bottle
1. Challenge the GOP nominee to seven, four-hour long unmoderated Def Comedy Jams.
2. Charge everyone who put Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close on their Oscar ballot with war crimes.
3. Start smoking again.
Taking On The Punditocracy
Take a sip
Obama: "I know that some say Republicans and Democrats cannot come together to work on behalf of the American people during an election year, but I believe we can and will work hand-in-hand on the most pressing concerns of the American people."
Take a swig
Obama: "I know that some say that the economic recovery I promised never materialized, but the worst is over, and the signs of recovery are everywhere. There is a lot of work to be done, but we will continue to work with Congress to help working families. And if we can't accomplish this together, I will act."
Pound a shot
Obama: "I know that some say that I wasn't born in America, and that I'm a secret Muslim, but as to the rumors that Osama bin Laden is still alive and I intend to appoint him to the Federal Reserve Board of Governors...I say to them, well -- that would be pretty hard for me to pull off."
Finish the bottle
Obama: "I know that some say Lana Del Rey has too thin a body of work and too untested a stage presence to have been given the opportunity to perform on 'Saturday Night Live,' but the truth is that Del Rey is challenging our preconceived notions of the popstar origin story by making an interesting meta-commentary on the pre-fabrication of celebrity."
Historical References
Take a sip
Obama quotes Abraham Lincoln or Harry Truman.
Take a swig
Obama quotes Ronald Reagan or Teddy Roosevelt.
Pound a shot
Obama quotes Dwight D. Eisenhower or Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Finish the bottle
Obama quotes Bill Ayers or Herman Cain.
Camera Cutaways
Take a sip
Camera catches any of the following: Harry Reid, Lindsey Graham, Michelle Obama, Eric Cantor, John McCain looking bored.
Take a swig
Camera catches any of the following: Mitch McConnell, Dick Durbin, Paul Ryan, Chuck Grassley, John McCain looking angry.
Pound a shot
Camera catches any of the following: Joe Wilson, Samuel Alito, Dennis Kucinich, Michele Bachmann, John McCain falling asleep.
Finish the bottle
Camera catches any of the following: Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas, Adam Scott of "Parks And Recreation" wearing a Letters To Cleo T-shirt, that dog from "The Artist," John McCain with his mouth foaming with blood, John McCain with his mouth foaming with blood from "The Artist" dog.
Audience Reactions
Take a sip
Democrats in the audience take an opportunity to applaud the president's remarks.
Take a swig
Obama makes the wrong pause in the wrong place and gives Republicans in the audience the opportunity to ironically applaud.
Pound a shot
Someone in the audience "pulls a Joe Wilson" and shouts back.
Finish the bottle
Obama is attacked by a trident-wielding back-bencher.
Joe Biden and John Boehner
Take a sip
Joe Biden gamely leads the Democrats in applause. John Boehner occasionally joins in, charitably.
Take a swig
Joe Biden succumbs to some prolonged peal of laughter. John Boehner gives him a look that says, "Jeez, I can't believe I have to sit next to this guy."
Pound a shot
Joe Biden rips his shirt off and waves it over his head, whooping. John Boehner is reduced to tears.
Finish the bottle
Joe Biden is replaced on the ticket by Hillary Clinton. John Boehner is replaced as House Speaker by Eric Cantor. (Also: Biden and Boehner start making out.)
Unexpected Musical Interlude
Take a sip
Obama sings a few bars of "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green.
Take a swig
Obama sings a few bars of "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do" by Etta James.
Pound a shot
Obama sings a few bars of "Thuggin'" by Freddie Gibbs (feat. Madlib).
Finish the bottle
Obama sings a few bars of "Blades of Baal" by Morbid Angel.
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