Depressed Teens: How To Help Them Cope

Dear Susan,

My daughter seems quite depressed. She takes it out in ways like being lazy, not wanting to do anything... sits in her room... is irritable a lot of the time. I've taken her Facebook away. Now I've got parental controls on her texting. That's ALL she was doing before. I think she's going through withdrawal now. Should I be concerned?

Signed,
Cheerleader Mom

Dear Cheerleader Mom,

Adolescence isn't easy. Hormones influence our kids' moods, putting them on a roller coaster of highs and lows. Peer influence is enormous, with teens feeling a constant pressure to belong and fit in. School becomes more challenging. Parents often come across as controlling and oppressive. And all the while, your teen is trying to figure out who she is, what she believes in, and where she's headed as adult life starts looming on the horizon.

Some kids take great comfort in the distraction of social media -- Facebook, texting, and so on. In a sense, these things become a "drug," offering relief from the pressures of life, and a feeling of connection with friends ("friends") that lessens that adolescent angst.

Now that your daughter doesn't have the digital outlet, it's hard to say whether she is simply acting like a normal adolescent who's unmotivated and cranky -- especially because you've limited her access to her online world -- or whether her involvement in those activities was hiding legitimate depression.

Help your daughter express her frustration and sadness. Say, "I get the feeling you've been having a hard time lately. I care about you and promise to listen without telling you what you should do. What's going on, honey?" Don't come at her with criticisms and complaints; she'll shut you out. And be careful not to minimize her problems, or act as though they're trivial. To her, they aren't. If at all possible, help your daughter find her tears in the safety of your loving presence. Giving her the chance to feel the sadness beneath her tough exterior will help lighten her load.

Pay attention to her behavior, including excessive sleeping, disconnecting from friends or activities she once enjoyed, substance or alcohol use, recklessness, or saying things like, "I want to die" or "I wish I'd never been born." Get professional help immediately if your youngster's depression spirals or she starts talking about having suicidal thoughts.

Childhood and teen depression is serious, and needs to be addressed with care. While it's perfectly normal for teens to pull away from parents as they individuate or to be sad and irritable at times, if a youngster shows signs of ongoing depression, parents need to pay attention. Don't put your head in the sand; if your instincts tell you that your child's in trouble emotionally, take action.

Yours in parenting support,
Susan

Parent Coach, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.

Comments

[rharr213]

08:36 PM on 03/05/2012

Great advice Susan! Communication is a great first step. often skipped by people looking for what they want to see instead of reality. I know some people are reluctant to communicate how they really feel though. I know when I'm down i tend to sep things to myself.

Still its nice to read someone suggesting practical methods instead of immediately suggesting drugs. Sometimes consoling is the best treatment, sometimes people just need to vent, other people have legit chemical imbalances and need professional help. there are drugs that can help or alternative methods like electromagnetic adjustment. Was reading about that treatment on fb this am http://www.facebook.com/WestCoastTMSInstitute

I only post about them as id prefer a treatment without drugs, but then again I'm not depressed, just occasionally blue.

[amandanunez]

04:25 PM on 03/02/2012

Try asking what the problem is. Did it ever occur to the mother that her daughter isn't depressed? She may just want attention. Her daughter is a cheerleader for Christ sake. Unless however she had ACTUAL reasons to be depressed. Are the parents divorced? Has the family recently lost someone? If so than the mother would know and wouldn't have to ask. Your adolescent is just acting out like all children do. If she really felt there was a cause for concern than she would take her daughter to a hospital or to a shrink.

[Gayle Gardner Lin]

06:30 PM on 03/02/2012

Being a cheerleader doesn't exempt one from depression. It can be caused frequently by the hormonal changes of puberty. If you've never had severe depression nor lived with someone who did, your opinion is just that ... your opinion. It holds no weight.

[amandanunez]

10:55 PM on 03/03/2012

Considering I suffer from depression I figure that I understand first hand. My entire argument was that her mother did not bother to mention any reason known to her that may be causing her daughter's so called "depression." The only thing she made clear was that her daughter was a cheerleader. On the other hand, should her daughter's problem indeed be hormonal changes than her mother should know that. Unless her mother skipped her teenage years and knows nothing about being a teenager herself. Next time you attempt to act like you know something, do your research first.

[Sebb]

07:20 AM on 03/03/2012

Depression is something you can have without an external cause (divorce, death etc). Only recently have people started calling grief etc 'depression' and that's controversial. Sucks to know that the world can turn bleak and meaningless for no clear (you call it 'actual') reason, but for millions it does.

[amandanunez]

10:59 PM on 03/03/2012

Than the mother should do as I suggested and either see a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with her daughter or see a shrink. In my opinion she should have done both already. In the time she wastes sitting on the computer she could be out getting a professional opinion. Just look at what she said, "She takes it out in ways like being lazy, not wanting to do anything... " Really? I never knew that laziness was the first sign of depression.