How To Divorce: How Do I Stay Out Of Divorce Court?

Wondering how you can stay out of divorce court? Here's what you need to know. Family law attorney Henry Gornbein gives his advice on how to avoid a court date with your ex. Have a question of your own? Ask in the comments.

I tell my clients that court should be the last resort. You do not want a stranger in a black robe deciding some of the most intimate issues in your life. You do not want a stranger telling you where your children will live, how much time you can spend with your children and deciding all of your financial issues. Once you go to court, whether it is for a hearing or a trial, you lose control of your lives and the lives of your children if custody is an issue.

There are several ways to stay out of court. First of all, if you and your soon-to-be former spouse can sit down and work out as many issues as possible, this will help facilitate a settlement. Having a good attorney who is a problem solver, rather than someone who creates problems, is also important. You want an attorney who works with and for you, and not someone who will lead you astray or create unnecessary conflicts or battles. In addition to face-to-face negotiations, a four-way meeting involving attorneys and clients can often result in, if not a resolution of all issues, at least a resolution of as many issues as possible. I have found that through a series of meetings many cases can be resolved.

Another good approach is mediation. In Michigan where I practice, and in more and more other states, mediation is used as a means of resolving cases without the need to go to trial. A good mediator will work with the parties to settle everything with input from you as well as your attorneys. In some high conflict divorces, I am involved in situations where we will have mediators with powers to make interim rulings, and where we can have either mini-hearings, or tightly structured negotiations in an effort to keep the case from spinning out of control. This can resolve issues and avoid going to trial.

As I said previously, the last thing anyone wants is to go to trial. Once you say things about your spouse in court, you will be opening up wounds that are on the public record and cannot be taken back. Think about this before you decide to go to trial.

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Comments

[direwolf7]

06:15 PM on 08/12/2012

There only one reason for any divorce to end up in Court: One of the parties was determined to maximum damage to the other and doesn't care how much it will cost them personally.

If both parties genuinely want to minimize the damage they (and their children will suffer) STAY OUT OF COURT. I have seen cases where relatively small "issues" that could not be compromised resulted in massive attorney bills and "warfare" that would last until the youngest child is.

Family Court is MUTUALLY ASSURED DESTRUCTION. Unfortunately that is what some people want.

[RustBeltCrooner]

02:48 PM on 08/10/2012

I found mediation with my mentally ill wife to be useless. I put in an offer, and she and her lawyer made excuses for a year but never responded. She forced me to take her to court. She wants all assets (including the house), none of the debts or liabilities (I keep the mortgage and other debts while paying for my apartment), plus half my income for life. This despite the fact that I put her through undergrad and graduate schools (she had only a high school degree when we met) and she has a professional full time job. She was never a stay at home mom to our one child, and did almost no housework. I did all the laundry, all the yard work, and the vacuuming and had to cook for myself. The court simply does not care about any other these factors. All they see is a difference in salaries and a marriage that last more than 10 years. In my area, that means automatic alimony until retirement.

[someperson]

07:43 AM on 08/14/2012

Sssshhh, don't complain, it's your fault. The NOW mafia does not accept any other answer

[RustBeltCrooner]

08:18 PM on 08/24/2012

NOW or the feminist movement has nothing to do with it! Conservative religious views are the main justification for making divorce punitive.

[Keystone 30]

12:30 PM on 04/28/2012

That's right, so called family court is nothing but a transformation of wealth from the family to the Bar Assn. and Judiciary. It's a very dangerous institution.

[simzillyjp]

03:35 AM on 04/27/2012

Want to stay out of divorce court? Don't get married.

[Dawngoaway26]

10:20 PM on 04/26/2012

Communicate. Forgive. Sometimes I think people give up too soon. They don't try hard enough to work through things. Sometimes, it is inevitable. If you're too poor to go through it all, that can help people stick it out. ;)

[treasurex]

01:51 AM on 04/27/2012

I have a question, i've been married for 20yrs, my husband decided he nolonger wanted 2b married and left me penniless homeless and jobless. he was the bread winner for the last 5 yrs every since i lost my job he agreed that i could stay home for a period of time so i did. he recently became disabled and recieve state and federal disability now im i entittle to alimony from his disability now that i have nothing. im living with my 80yo parents who r forced to take care of me until i can get on my feet my husband refuse to even send my a dime i dont know y he suddenly hates me. someone plz help me im at my wits end.

[MiMi LLawsonn]

09:36 PM on 04/26/2012

In my son's case, we are far, far beyond divorce court...he is now in criminal court...no...he did not do anything...but the wicked ex has made false accusations more than one thing...so how does one try to co parent with a person like this....he has not been able to have any contact with his daughter in almost 2 years now...it is coming to a head though....any suggestions?

[VirginiaColin]

05:15 PM on 06/25/2012

You may find useful information and advice on DivorceCures.com.

[RustBeltCrooner]

02:38 PM on 08/10/2012

Making false accusations is a common symptom of personality disorders. I recommend this book on the subject. I am not the author and have no connection to it:
http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Narcissistic-Personality-ebook/dp/B0056JX46W

[damomb01]

09:03 PM on 04/26/2012

"Wondering how you can stay out of divorce court?" Two sure fire ways you'll NEVER end up in divorce court:

1. Never get married.
2. If you do get married, take the "till death do you part" section of the vows as seriously as it is written.

[Bold Err]

03:59 PM on 08/08/2012

So for number 2, are you suggesting you off your spouse when THEY cheat on you, or are you suggesting you stay with them?

[Dragonstalon]

08:59 PM on 04/26/2012

New book: How to stay out of Divorce Court

Chapter 1: Don't marry
Chapter 2: Hiring a Hitman
Chapters 3-6: Pop-Up Coloring book to help pass the time while in jail

[HowlingHounds]

04:53 PM on 04/26/2012

If you use a mediator, be sure that the mediator is on the court approved list. In some states, if the mediator isn't, you've spent money for something that the court is not required to accept.

Despite all the talk about keeping divorces out of court and not having a judge involved, in most states (if not all), a judge reviews the mediation documents and any settlement reached and the judge will either approve or disapprove it. This is usually not in an open courtroom and you don't have to be present.

Mediation is an excellent option.

[Bold Err]

04:01 PM on 08/08/2012

There is no "court approved" list in many states. In Colorado, for example, the shortest path to making $200 an hour is to hang out a shingle calling yourself a "mediator". There are *no* requirements, *no* licensing, and *no* recourse if the mediator is completely incompetent.

[scoobysnax75]

04:14 PM on 04/26/2012

"how to stay out of divorce court"...easy, don't get married...

[ullrules]

05:00 PM on 04/26/2012

You said it before I could....Amen to that! :)

[kaysings]

06:42 PM on 04/26/2012

Beat me to it. Couldn't log in fast enough.

[Edwin Keever Jr]

03:07 PM on 04/26/2012

How to stay out of divorce court? Don't get married.

[enhancedvibes]

12:46 PM on 04/26/2012

Emotions are obviously very high when one or both spouses are considering divorce. Some can be reasonable and others unreasonable and some can simply have no idea what conclusion they are really seeking. Without knowing what one really wants out of the dissolution (and i dont mean monetarily i mean the conclusion to the relationship), it's extremely hard to settle it, attorneys or not. All good advice though.

[EinChicago]

11:24 AM on 04/26/2012

I am a lawyer also, but I have to say of the divorces I have seen, the absolute best ones have not involved attorneys at all except for a cursory review of the settlement agreement.


Goal one should be to work it out between yourself to keep the judge out of it.

Goal two should be to absolutely minimize attorney involvement. At the end of the day, the even the best family law attorney cashes the retainer and walks away when all is said and done; you, your ex spouse and your kids are the only people who have to live with the arrangement.


There are lots of times when divorce attorneys are essential. But in the vast majority of cases, it is always better to work together and minimize any outside participation.

[enhancedvibes]

12:43 PM on 04/26/2012

While I agree with you, you are not a family law atty are you? =)

[treasurex]

01:54 AM on 04/27/2012

can u plz read my question uptop and answer my question plz since u.r.a.lawyer. thank-u.

[boydlemon]

10:32 AM on 04/26/2012

This is a helpful article. Having been through 3 divorces (and I'm also a lawyer), believe me, a contested divorce in divorce court is the last place you want to be. Do all you can to avoid it.

Boyd Lemon-Author of “Eat, Walk, Write: An American Senior’s Year of Adventure in Paris and Tuscany,” "Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages," the author’s journey to understand his role in the destruction of his three marriages and “Unexpected Love and Other Stories. Information, reviews and excerpts: http://www.BoydLemon-Writer.com.
Travel blog: http://boomertravelblog.com.
Retirement blog: http://FulfillingRetirementAdvice.com

[Timothy P Flynn]

07:57 AM on 04/26/2012

Henry, nice job on this post. Very informative. As a fellow practitioner in Oakland County, MI, I applaud the mediation that the family court requires in our county. As you know, however, some folks are just not amenable to reason and thus, the family court judge must step in. We try to minimize these situations and, as you say, it's a "last resort".

Keep these great posts coming...