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Funny Mother's Day Quotes From Comedians (PHOTOS)

The Huffington Post  |  By Posted: 05/10/2012 9:12 am Updated: 05/10/2012 9:12 am

As you probably know, comedians talk about family life a LOT. And if there's one topic that keeps coming up again and again, it's mom. After all, the woman who raises you is going to have a big influence on your sense of humor, not to mention all the hilarious things your mom does when you're growing up.

So this Mother's Day, we take a look back at some of our favorite jokes from comedians about motherhood. Sure, they might drive you crazy sometimes, but mothers provide great material for the likes of Louis CK, Amy Schumer, Richard Lewis and more. So take a look, have a good laugh, and then go give your mom her Mother's Day gift and a big hug.

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  • Judy Gold

    "Twelve years ago my mother gets her cataracts removed. So twelve years ago the doctor gives her these enormous sunglasses to wear to protect her eyes from the sun for 4-6 weeks after the operation...twelve years ago. She still wears them. She thinks they're attractive. She looks like Bea Arthur as a welder." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/judy-gold/videos/judy-gold---cataracts" target="_hplink">Judy Gold</a>

  • Nick Swardson

    "My mom got me and my friends a breathalyzer. I got it for my birthday so we can monitor when we've had too much, which is the dumbest gift because it just turns into, 'How high can we blow it?' That's great for that irresponsible gift." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/nick-swardson/videos/dvd-exclusive--nick-swardson---breathalyzer-from-mom" target="_hplink">Nick Swardson</a>

  • Maria Bamford

    "My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/maria-bamford/videos/maria-bamford---gotta-believe-in-something" target="_hplink">Maria Bamford</a>

  • Joe DeRosa

    "Moms should look like my mom looked when I was growing up: just defeated. Defeated. With a dead look on her face like she's going to leave the family and go on a killing spree at any minute. Hopeless." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/joe-derosa/videos/joe-derosa---moms" target="_hplink">Joe DeRosa</a>

  • Amy Schumer

    "My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/amy-schumer/videos/amy-schumer---look-at-you" target="_hplink">Amy Schumer</a>

  • Finesse Mitchell

    "My mom had me when she was 15, so I know the younger the momma, the more jacked up your name will be." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/finesse-mitchell/videos/finesse-mitchell---young-mom" target="_hplink">Finesse Mitchell</a>

  • Gary Gulman

    "You ever drive with your mom as an adult? I would rather pick up an escaped convict. At least they're satisfied. My mom, she doesn't really say anything out loud, she just makes that noise that moms make when they think they're about to crash, which is roughly every 10 seconds." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/gary-gulman/videos/gary-gulman---living-at-home" target="_hplink">Gary Gulman</a>

  • Margaret Cho

    "My mother has a problem with blind intersections. She will sit there for a very long time and rant, "THEY NEVER GIVE YOU A CHANCE!" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/margaret-cho/videos/margaret-cho---margaret-s-mom" target="_hplink">Margaret Cho</a>

  • Brett Butler

    "I'm friends with my mom. I get along with her real well. Now that I'm old enough to have children I'm regretting virtually everything I said to her until I was 30." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/brett-butler/videos/brett-butler---short-mom" target="_hplink">Brett Butler</a>

  • Laura Kightlinger

    "I slept with my mother until I was nine years old. It was OK for the first few years, and then I don't know what happened. I just couldn't do it anymore. I mean, sleeping with the same woman, night after night. Boring!" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/laura-kightlinger/videos/laura-kightlinger---phone-calls-with-mom" target="_hplink">Laura Kightlinger</a>

  • Gene Pompa

    "Every year for my birthday, she would make me a birthday cake from scratch, and then she would let me lick the egg beaters. And then she would turn them on, and that would hurt my tongue." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/gene-pompa/videos/gene-pompa---hispanics-in-movies" target="_hplink">Gene Pompa</a>

  • John Heffron

    "I told my mom I needed a haircut, and my mom goes, 'Oh, I can cut your hair for you.' Really? Hmm, I've got pictures when I was 11 that say you can't." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/john-heffron/videos/john-heffron---junk-drawer-scissors" target="_hplink">John Heffron</a>

  • John Evans

    "My mom e-mailed the president of the United States -- which is cute, in a children's letter to Santa Claus kind of way -- but I don't think he's gonna read it. He didn't even read the pre-war intelligence about Iraq; I don't think he's jumping into his inbox, talking to my mother." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/john-evans/videos/john-evans---immigration" target="_hplink">John Evans</a>

  • Cristela Alonzo

    "It's really hard being a single mom nowadays -- which is why I don't have children. I am a blackout drinker, though, so that's cool." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/cristela-alonzo/videos/cristela-alonzo---what-would-jesus-do-" target="_hplink">Cristela Alonzo</a>

  • Laura House

    "My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.'" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/laura-house/videos/laura-house---going-to-college" target="_hplink">Laura House</a>

  • Louis CK

    "To me, you're not a woman til you had a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet. That's really when you become a woman, when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams." - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnDH-RXCptY" target="_hplink">Louis CK</a>

  • Wendy Spero

    "My mom's a sex therapist. On Take Your Daughter to Work Day, I hooked up with two guys." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/wendy-spero/videos/wendy-spero---betrayal" target="_hplink">Wendy Spero</a>

  • Tami Vernekoff

    "I like to talk to my mother every single day because hearing how delusional I may become one day makes me appreciate every day I have left with my sanity." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/tami-vernekoff/videos/tami-vernekoff---meeting-the-right-guy" target="_hplink">Tami Vernekoff</a>

  • Chris McGuire

    "I get nine e-mails a week from my mom. If it doesn't have 'I have cancer' in the subject line, I delete it." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/chris-mcguire/videos/chris-mcguire---new-technology" target="_hplink">Chris McGuire</a>

  • Harris Stanton

    "My mom is a major pain in the ass. Let me explain: my mom is a 'camera mom.' Everybody's got that one person in their family, but it ain't their mom. All they do is walk around and go, 'Wait, don't move, let me go get my camera.' All my life I got that. It didn't even have to be camera moments. Like when I was all dressed up to go to the prom by myself, 'Wait! Let me get my camera!' 'Uh, we don't need a camera for this. I'm gonna remember this sh*t for the rest of my life.'" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/harris-stanton/videos/harris-stanton---working-security" target="_hplink">Harris Stanton</a>

  • George Miller

    "All my life, my mom has been tired. How come mothers are so tired? She's bone tired. She's dog tired. She's overly tired. I keep telling her, 'Mom, you need some crack.'" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/george-miller/videos/george-miller---head-waiters" target="_hplink">George Miller</a>

  • Richard Lewis

    "When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/richard-lewis/videos/richard-lewis---family-reunions" target="_hplink">Richard Lewis</a>

  • Isaac Witty

    "My mom always tried to make birthdays special for me. One year, she put a life-sized inflatable clown in my room, like it'd be neat when I woke up. Let me just tell you guys -- you don't know fear until you wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and there in the darkness is what appears to be a man in a clown outfit, watching you while you sleep." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/isaac-witty/videos/isaac-witty---happy-birthday-clown" target="_hplink">Isaac Witty</a>

  • Kareem Matthews

    "My mom would never get us exactly what we wanted. She would always get us something like it. Like at Christmas, we never had a real Christmas tree. We always had one of the ones you put together yourself. Every year, we lose a couple branches. By the time I was 10, the tree had like three branches left." - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/kareem-matthews/videos/kareem-matthews---crazy-pets" target="_hplink">Kareem Matthews</a>

  • Vicki Shaw

    "I told my kids, 'Look, you guys, if someone comes up to you at school and says, "Is your mom gay?" Look them square in the face and go, "Why? Does your mom want to date her?"" - <a href="http://comedians.jokes.com/vickie-shaw/videos/vickie-shaw---lesbian-by-grace" target="_hplink">Vicki Shaw</a>

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