Divorce And Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids

By Dr. Shoshana Bennett for YourTango.com

Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn't always negative for kids -- sometimes it's excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:

1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there's ugliness between the couple, no one's happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they'll do much better.

2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.

3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship "for the kids," don't fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.

4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.

5. There's the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit.

So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you're either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What's most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it -- and your children's attitude and well-being will follow suit.

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Click through the slideshow below for 5 divorce books for kids:

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Dinosaurs Divorce

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Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown (Brown Books for Young Readers, $7.99) Suitable For Ages 4-8 “One of the nice features of this book is that it emphasizes that it’s not the child’s fault and that there are a lot of different situations so children can feel that they are not alone and unique in what they are going through.” -Beth Puffer, director of Bank Street Books in New York City

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Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown (Brown Books for Young Readers, $7.99)
Suitable For Ages 4-8
“One of the nice features of this book is that it emphasizes that it’s not the child’s fault and that there are a lot of different situations so children can feel that they are not alone and unique in what they are going through.”
-Beth Puffer, director of Bank Street Books in New York City

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Comments

[Candace Kelm]

03:14 PM on 05/18/2013

While generalized in its entirety, I do agree that sometimes divorce is for the better. I wish my parents would divorce but I know my dad would put up a fight because he has it good living with my mom, she makes three times the amount of money he does and wouldn't be able to support any of us children on his own. He is a neglectful figure to my four other siblings and I. I am constantly playing the other parent while my mother is at work. He chooses not to take part in caring for the house or being a parent to any of us children. The mood in the house is great until he walks through the door. The tension builds and no one wants to be near him. Seeing this disfunctional relationship has made me realize that it is not worth it to stay married to someone with whom you share no more similarities or common interests, or even someone who has no desire to be a loving parent to his children. While divorce is never a great thing for kids..."sticking it out " for the children's sake is a load of bull. Why raise a child in a home where the environment is tense, and both parents can't even show love towards one another? Sometimes divorce needs to happen for the children's sake.

[marlisgrammy]

11:53 AM on 10/18/2012

Oh my goodness, the author needs to come back to this planet. I have worked with kids of divorce since 2003 and am a product of that myself, as well as being divorced myself. The pain and sense of loss are unbearable for most kids and therapists make a living out of "fixing" these hurts for many years later. This is a ridiculous notion that divorce is good and just a way for some adults to lessen their guilt.

[LivingHappierAf]

10:13 AM on 10/18/2012

I agree totally. And so do these 20 women: www.LivingHappierAfter.com

[mommaeve]

01:51 PM on 07/24/2012

I can't say AMEN enough times to this article! EXACTLY my feelings and what I tell my daughter when she wants to know why her father and I got divorced!!

[garthgirl8888]

02:39 PM on 11/17/2012

What you should tell your daughter is how sorry you were that you broke your promises, not that she is better off without a stable family. Look at the research on how divorce affects kids and then tell me that it was not a big deal for your daughter: http://divorcereform.us/the-impact-of-divorce-on-children/

[mommaeve]

04:18 PM on 11/17/2012

I didn't break any promises to my daughter. I promised her that I would always do whatever I could do to give her the best life I could. And living in a home where there was constant tension and negativity is not keeping that promise.

[Salem1]

01:16 AM on 07/14/2012

Yeah divorce!!!!!!

[xtinaa]

01:04 PM on 07/04/2012

Also, I'd like to add that I gained two more people in my life that I love and care for. Divorce does not have to be a bad thing in every case.

[xtinaa]

12:56 PM on 07/04/2012

I'm glad I read this article. My parents divorced when I was 13. At the time I was very relieved they split up. There was no abuse, emotionally or physically. My parents clearly were not happy in their marriage and it made for a hostile environment. I should say that I have a fabulous relationship with both of them and both step-parents. I can honestly say that their divorce was the best thing that could have happened. I realize a lot of people don't agree or understand this and that my situation might not be normal.

[three legged dog]

10:45 AM on 06/25/2012

Divorce is painful for everyone. It is not good for children and this article is basically nonsense.

[three legged dog]

10:43 AM on 06/25/2012

Divorce is not good for children. This article is nonsene.

[Carroll Straus]

07:35 PM on 06/22/2012

I am an attormey and spent about half my 30 year practice attempting, with varying degrees of success, to mitigate the harm that comes when families and courts collide. there was NO research cited for this artilce and there is a great deal of research and much data to the contrary. I don't buy it.

[Emily Pike 1]

05:13 PM on 05/24/2012

1. When Mommy and Daddy are happy as individuals, their kids will be too. In the moment. Let's not consider the shattered sense of security and disillusionment with unconditional love that will affect their long-term happiness.

2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, the kids will be more relaxed. Until their doubts and insecurities stemming from a subconscious sense of instability/abandonment come to the surface in adolescence, causing increased rates of panic attacks, depression, and substance abuse.

3.When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids: that other people exist to satisfy you, and you can replace them if they don't.

4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Except for when one parent can't do something right or as well as the other. Which is always. Everyone deserves a mom and dad team. No parent can do everything best themselves. And if one thinks so, maybe this unrealistic self-pride was one reason for divorce in the first place?

5. There's the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Yeah, because they validate YOU. These have nothing to do with being good for your child.

[IdleCrumble]

10:25 AM on 05/29/2012

Yeah, getting a divorce is the worst possible thing to do because your kids need you to be together, no matter HOW destructive the relationship is.

[Robert Sean Carbery]

08:41 AM on 06/11/2012

Kids are GENERALLY better off if the parents stick it out.. BUT that only goes so far. If the relationship is destructive or violent - simply get OUT.. if it is a matter of 'i do not love you any more' or I am NOT IN love with you any more type thing.. you need to simply GROW UP!! to love someone for life is a CHOICE not a feeling. I am on my 2nd marriage myself. My first was completely destructive. It was a matter of safety that I got out. The 2nd marriage has been up and down like any other.. but we are still IN LOVE with one another and will remain so because we have made that CHOICE to keep the relationship alive. My kids (I have custody of) are doing great! They have not seen their mother in years (by HER choice though) not mine or the kids.

[Rational-]

07:44 AM on 05/24/2012

This article is a joke. Points 1, 2, and 5 are essentially the same thing.
Bottom line? We CHOOSE our spouses--our kids do not. The kids deserve to have a mother and a father in their lives on daily bases not every other weekend type BS.
Most of the time when people are unhappy with themselves they blame the person closest to them--their spouse. However if divorce was such an antidote to being unhappy you woulnd't see 2nd and 3rd marriages with with higher divorce rates than the first ones.
Suck it up, get counseling, man up/woman up and YES stay together for the kids. They need us..both of us, and their needs should trump our needs.

[Donald DiPaula]

08:13 PM on 05/22/2012

"Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows."

In my experience, the nasty intensity in the environment began, rather than ended, with the split, and exploded exponentially with the litigation.

[dynofossil]

04:23 AM on 05/22/2012

Also, the only thing positive that I have learned from this is to avoid yelling as much as possible. You don't get your point across by being loud and you certainly don't get your point across by using insults to make a point. What a good relationship of any kind needs is a constructive conversation that needs blunt language and the truth. The more you tell the truth, the more likely you are to remain happy, even if it hurts a lot at first.

[dynofossil]

04:23 AM on 05/22/2012

I don't want people's sympathy or a disapproval of what my parents did. First things first, I am adopted, and that is certainly not an easy thing to live with these days. As for my parents well, it got to the point where they were fighting way too much. So they split. I would say more but the trauma, even though it was only the beginning of it, has scarred me pretty deeply. A few years later one of my parents remarried and lets just say they lacked proper judgment in this choice, because I suffered a lot of mental abuse at the hands of this person for more than 10 years. I was not only adopted, but I was youngest and the extra baggage from a past marriage. Boy was this person jealous of me. Again, would say more but when the bad stuff gets to be horrendous some of us just block t out. I have a lot of memory problems now because of that person, luckily my parent divorced again, but I don't think I'll ever be quite the same. Divorce can be good for a child up to a certain point because it does save the child from bearing witness to really nasty fights. At the end of the day I didn't get to escape that so well. So in my personally experience, divorce is a really nasty thing to do. It is nasty for the couple involved and can be extremely traumatizing for a child.

[Rational-]

07:45 AM on 05/24/2012

Yep the rates of abuse at the hands of step parents is much much higher.
It is a shame really that parents just decide to rip a family apart with no consideration for their children's welfare.

[dynofossil]

12:48 PM on 05/25/2012

It's a shame sometimes but honestly if they hadn't split then the fighting would have only gotten worse. I don't think parents fighting constantly is good for a kid either, so for where they were in their marriage they had to move on and I hold no resentments for their situation.

[Amber Rose MarksThornton]

10:35 AM on 05/24/2012

I don't see how you being adopted is so difficult "these days". If anything, it's easier than ever. I'd say more parents now are being open with their children than ever before at how special it is to be adopted. It used to be a hushed up topic and now it's more popular than ever. I'm adopted and perfectly well adjusted. This article was talking more about people that are unhappy with the person they chose to be with and I believe it can be better when adults split in the long run so children won't be seeing violent fights all the time. Just because your case had to do with your parents choosing bad step parents doesn't mean others can't eventually find a healthy relationship to be in.

[dynofossil]

12:46 PM on 05/25/2012

This is true, if my father didn't remarry to an abusive person life would have been ten times better. I don't hold resentments for the divorce because honestly they didn't have to scream at each other any more, and that can do a lot of harm as well. However, as far as being adopted goes, when you're as curious as me it becomes a problem. Have you met your birth parents? If so then being well adjusted to the fact is easy to say. Not only was my adoption closed, but the program that handled the adoption has since been out of business, the lawyer involved has been a hushed up bastard, and even though I know my parents names I can not contact them. It's been a real struggle for me at least, I'm not trying to speak for you or others that are adopted. But some of us do feel that there is something missing. I could go into more detail but it really has nothing to do with the article. I just thought since a lot of the people on here were sharing stories that I had a comfortable place to share mine. You don't know my story, and you can't say that it isn't difficult for every person that is adopted. If you're content then good for you, not everyone feels the same.

[dynofossil]

12:49 PM on 05/25/2012

*you don't know my whole story* sorry for the confusion.