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Things That Are Better Than Having Dinner With Donald Trump And Mitt Romney, According To Twitter

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As you no doubt know, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney has inexplicably decided that a continuing association with birther looney-tune Donald Trump is something that his campaign needs in order to be successful. And to that end, the Romney campaign is doing a donor raffle, where a $3 donation earns some lucky people the chance to have dinner with Donald and Mitt, possibly at some terrible New York pizzeria chain.

Well, if the jokes weren't already writing themselves, Trump himself managed to open up a deep vein of comedy yesterday when he put this question out on Twitter:


As you might imagine, Twitter had answers to that question. Many, many answers.

By far, in fact, the most popular answer involved an encounter with the Florida man who was recently shot and killed by police because he was eating another man's face off, possibly because he was psychotic, or on drugs, or was the "patient zero" of a forthcoming rage-zombie apocalypse. Now, if you are fortunate enough to have persisted this long without intimate knowledge of the face-eating man from Florida, please do not go Googling for the news, because you are likely to encounter horrifying images that you will never, ever be able to unsee. Just know that the existence of crazy face-eating cannibals is now a thing that is happening in our lives, and plan accordingly.

Also, it gives you a good sense of the "level of the room" where Twitter's responses are concerned. For a fuller picture, I have created a Terrible Index Of Things That People Would Rather Do Than Dine With Donald Trump And Mitt Romney. It is by no means complete -- many responses were omitted because they were beyond the standards of good taste. (Note well: It is a fact that my standard for "good taste" is inferior to the common standard.)

At any rate, we now know the answers to Donald Trump's question. Good luck to everyone who answered this question on Twitter, because you will now inevitably be called "losers" who "bombed at Mar-A-Lago" by the Donald.

_________




Things That Would Be Preferable To Dinner With Donald And Mitt, According To Twitter


Access to birth control

Acid bath

Alien invasion

Aneurysm

Answering this question

Anything

Athletes' Foot

Athletes' Foot, on armpits

Bankruptcy

Baptism, posthumous

Bathtub of maggots

Beard ripped off by force

Bedbugs

Being eaten, by lions, by man high on bath salts, by pack of wild dogs, by pack of wolves, by rattlesnakes

Black Eyed Peas, mandatory annual Super Bowl Halftime show

Bleeding, in shark infested waters

Blunt force trauma

Body cavity search

Breakdancing, in skinny jeans

Breathing

Castration

Cervical cancer

Cholera

Circumcision, sans anaesthetic

Cleaning, a cat box, rest stop toilets with hands

Clubbing baby seals

Colitis

Colorectal cancer

Colonoscopy, by Edward Scissorhands, by live python, sans sedation, via chainsaw

Colostomy

Constipation

Cracked rib

Crohn's disease

Crucifixion

Death

Diarrhea

Drinking, colonoscopy prep fluid, contents of WetVac, five year old milk, hemlock, Playboy Mansion grotto water

Drought

Drowning

Dying

Dysentery

Eating, bag of thumbtacks, cat litter, cold mac and cheese whilst in underwear, dog feces, eel sushi by force, Ex-Lax brownies, ghost pepper, hot Frosted Flakes, off floor of Waffle House, Olive Garden, own vomit, rat poison, real New York City pizza, shards of glass, toenails, unrefrigerated pink slime, warm mayonnaise pie, with Dominique Strauss-Kahn, with Hannibal Lecter, with Jerry Sandusky, with Josef Stalin, with just Mitt Romney, with Justin Bieber, with Kardashians, with Westboro Baptist Church

Ebola

Elevator, trapped with gassy Karl Rove

Emergency tracheotomy

Enema, with bath salts, with hot lead, with Tabasco

Erectile dysfunction

Everything

Eyeballs, forked, icepicked, knitting needled, sporked, tattooed

Expressing one's dog's anal glands

Face, punched

Falling, into hole with glass shards

Food poisoning

Gangrene

Gargling, razorblades

Genital mutilation, by ants, by barbed wire, by battery acid, by hammer and burning log, by hot poker, by icepick, by pickle slicer, by pitchfork, by sandblaster, by shoe, by toothpicks, by zipper, in farming accident, on L Train

Getting shot

Gingrich, Newt, in tutu whilst singing "Working In A Coal Mine"

Gonorrhea

Hades/Hell

Hands, ironed, slammed in car door

Hemorrhoids

Hepatitis C

Herpes

Hitting yourself, in face with hammer

Huffing, paint at family reunion

Human centipede

Hunger strike

Ingesting, Comet, fatal amount of Sweet-N-Low, propane (anally)

Jar of farts

Jogging, post-vasectomy

Keelhauling

Kidney stone

Koala Bear, dead and lashed to backside

Lego, stepped upon

Leprosy

Listed, on White House "kill list"

Listening, to Ke$ha performing "Subterranean Homesick Blues," to Nickelback performing the works of Creed, to Octomom lecturing on parenting, to Rebecca Black covering "Chocolate Rain"

Locusts

Losing money in Facebook IPO

Malaria

Nipple, third

Nuclear winter

Papercuts, thousands (followed by lemon juice bath), millions (followed by rubbing alcohol bath)

Pelvic exam

Planking, in traffic

Poison Ivy, anal

Prison

Probe, transvaginal

Ptomaine

Pubic lice

Rectal exam

Root canal

Santorum, Google it

Scurvy

Self immolation

Self-pleasuring, with buzzsaw, with cheese grater, with Icy Hot, with sword

Showering, in molten lava

Sliding, on barbed wire, on dry sandpaper

Sound engineering, with Khloe Kardashian

Sparrow, nailed to forehead

Spiders, sprung from a popped boil

Spinal tap

Staring, at 2012 Chicago Cubs, at 24-hour webinar about personal branding and Klout, at "Battlefield Earth" sequel, at "Benson," at "Cabin Boy," at complete season of "The Apprentice," at Japanese eel porn, at "Leonard Part Six," at Mitt's tax returns, at Mitt/Trump sexual encounter, at a pornographic movie starring one's parents, at "Showgirls,
at "The Time Traveler's Wife," at a "Twilight Zone" marathon, at Thomas Kinkade paintings for eternity, at Trump's actual hairline

Starvation

Sucking, on ET's fingers

Swimming, with alligators

Syphillis

Teeth-pulling

Toilet training quituplets

Toupee, Trump's on one's entire back

Trapped, in closet with Victoria Jackson

Universal health care

Unwanted sexual encounter, with buffalo, with corpse, with crocodile, with Dom Deluise in jacuzzi filled with stew, with family, with fifty dollars worth of nickels, with garden tools, with grandmother, with grandmother (dead), with in-laws, with Ravi Shankar's sitar, with Roman Polanski, with Sasquatch, with wall outlet, with wild boars

Urinary tract infection

Vas deferens, destroyed in failed gymnastic feat

Violent encounter, with cheese grater, with Chris Christie over last cupcake, with Dick Cheney, with direwolf, with lawnmower, with piranhas, with rabid bat, with tweezers, with tweezers and back hair and intoxicated chimpanzees, with wakened bear, with Zdeno Chara slap shot

War

Waterboarding

Working on a chain gang

Year without toilet paper

Yeast infection

Zombies, attack, face eaten by

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