Babies might not be able to articulate themselves very well -- but don't be fooled. They're onto you. In a new poetry collection, "To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers," Suzanne Weber channels her inner vengeful infant to bring readers laugh-out-loud meditations on all the ways we've wronged our young. The titles alone are brilliant -- for example, "The Conditions of Unconditional Love" or the straightforward "What The F*ck Is That?" Herewith, two of our favorite selections from the book:
Where Are My Hands??!!??
I had hands.
I know I did.
I was born with them.
They were there this morning.
What have you done with them?!!??
For that matter, where are my arms?
Last thing I remember,
you lay me on a blanket
and just kept
I had no hands.
Come to think of it, can’t really see my legs or feet either.
And what exactly do you expect me to do in this position?
It’s not really conducive to anything except lying here.
What if I just fall asleep like this?
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Have this little limbless body fall asleep
so you wouldn’t have to think
about my needs and attending to them.
You might as well have gotten yourself a houseplant.
Or a throw pillow.
Or a pet rock.
But only because
trying to do anything else
Next: "I'm Not Okay"
Copyright © 2012 by Suzanne Weber. Excerpted from "To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? Revenge Poetry For Babies And Toddlers," by Suzanne Weber. Published by Atria Books.