COMEDY
06/06/2012 04:43 pm ET

Wisconsin Results: What The Recall Vote Means For You

Now that Scott Walker has made history as the only U.S. governor to win in their own recall election, you're left wondering how the vote outcome will affect your daily life.

Not to worry, dear reader. We were there when you needed to know how to pretend you understood what the election was all about, and now we're here to help you navigate the aftermath. We won't lie to you, it's not going to be pretty. But knowing what's coming will make it go down much easier. Besides, it's not all bad. What doesn't defeat Scott Walker leaves us all a little bit wiser, right?

So, here's what the Wisconsin recall results mean for you:

  • You now know Wisconsin's capital has the same name as Darryl Hannah in 'Splash' (and all of your nieces)
  • When asked to point out Wisconsin on a map, you will now get "pretty close"
  • After hearing the phrase "this election sends a message" for the 38th time, you will consider mailing everyone in congress a postcard with the word "message" written on it
  • Whenever unions are mentioned from now on, you'll feel like you should have an opinion
  • You've forgotten about John Edwards
  • You'll lose 15 minutes trying to figure out a hilarious tweet connecting Miley Cyrus' engagement with the election, but give up when you realize none of your friends will get, "Can we recall Liam Hemsworth?"
  • You'll find yourself wondering where that Wisconsin bar in "Love Actually" was and if January Jones really hangs out there with all her hot friends
  • You'll google the word "bellwether" and remain skeptical about its use over the last 24 hours
  • Your afternoon will be spent unfriending people you knew in high school who suddenly have political opinions now that they have children
  • After reading several articles on what Wisconsin means, you'll accidentally wonder what Karl Rove looks like naked; your day ends in tears

And there you have it: a thorough examination of how Scott Walker's decisive-depending-on-who-you-are-talking-to win will affect your daily life. Go forward, gentle reader, just a scoach wiser than you were before.

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